Is it too much to expect my wife to occasionally ask me how my day went, or how I'm feeling, or to just give me a spontaneous hug? I spend an hour in traffic each day. I work all day. I sleep in a different room because of her hypersensitivity. I do everything I can to help her deal with her PTSD. I'm having a tough time dealing with the isolation.
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General Am I Being Selfish?
- Post starter OgreMagi
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Please tell her how you feel (gently). It's easy to feel the other person wouldn't want that from you, especially if you already feel pretty lousy about yourself (re: hugs, etc, even 'interaction'). Part of isolating, too. (That's what I find, anyway.)
Also too it's a good reminder of your needs too, a way to be interconnected, and a good habit. Sometimes those things get lost when one is depressed/ feels like crap/ feels hypersensitive/ is having a hard time getting a grip that day.
I would say, though it can be "hard", it actually helps me, breaks up the mind-set, a bit. Or even a lot, sometimes.
Just try not to get angry if she doesn't respond the first time as you hoped, sometimes it takes time and courage. The next day or two you may find it will be better.
Also too it's a good reminder of your needs too, a way to be interconnected, and a good habit. Sometimes those things get lost when one is depressed/ feels like crap/ feels hypersensitive/ is having a hard time getting a grip that day.
I would say, though it can be "hard", it actually helps me, breaks up the mind-set, a bit. Or even a lot, sometimes.
Just try not to get angry if she doesn't respond the first time as you hoped, sometimes it takes time and courage. The next day or two you may find it will be better.
- Post starter
- #4
amethist
VIP Member
No your not being selfish, but sometimes it takes all their efforts just to keep themselves on the same planet as us.
Take time to chat to her about her and your day, alternating the comments and asking her positive questions, it may help. That is what I had to do at one point, it took time but it worked.
Amethist
Take time to chat to her about her and your day, alternating the comments and asking her positive questions, it may help. That is what I had to do at one point, it took time but it worked.
Amethist
- Post starter
- #7
She suggested this might be the case during the session with her therapist yesterday. If I'm feeling depressed because of the isolation, she blames herself and that triggers her. Unfortunately, I am finding it increasingly difficult to hide how I feel.
AthenaErdmann
Silver Member
You are not being selfish - you are recognizing a genuinely and deeply difficult life situation for what it is. I commend you on your honesty.
I'm also going to be very blunt: get help for yourself, if you haven't already. ASAP.
Based on what you have written, she is in no shape to deal with your feelings, and likely will not be for quite some time. This sucks for both of you, definitely, but the solution is neither for you to bottle it all up nor for her to try to do something she simply does not have the resources for right now.
I know my husband really, really needed to talk to someone who was firmly outside our lives when things looked the bleakest for us. He has benefited from his therapy at least as much as I have benefited from mine. And I feel safe when I know he has someone to whom he can show his anger, frustration and grief, who is able to take it. I am not.
Life has dealt you (and pretty much everyone in this forum) a really crooked hand - but that's what we have and that's what we've got to play with. (And no, I'm not going to take that particular analogy any further, it won't hold :smile:)
Do take care of yourself! Someone once claimed to me that the first rule of all lifeguards would be "Never let the person whom you are saving to drag you under". If you make sure that you at least are securely "buoyed", you will both likely suffer less, and much of the suffering can be used for something constructive.
Good luck!
Athena
I'm also going to be very blunt: get help for yourself, if you haven't already. ASAP.
Based on what you have written, she is in no shape to deal with your feelings, and likely will not be for quite some time. This sucks for both of you, definitely, but the solution is neither for you to bottle it all up nor for her to try to do something she simply does not have the resources for right now.
I know my husband really, really needed to talk to someone who was firmly outside our lives when things looked the bleakest for us. He has benefited from his therapy at least as much as I have benefited from mine. And I feel safe when I know he has someone to whom he can show his anger, frustration and grief, who is able to take it. I am not.
Life has dealt you (and pretty much everyone in this forum) a really crooked hand - but that's what we have and that's what we've got to play with. (And no, I'm not going to take that particular analogy any further, it won't hold :smile:)
Do take care of yourself! Someone once claimed to me that the first rule of all lifeguards would be "Never let the person whom you are saving to drag you under". If you make sure that you at least are securely "buoyed", you will both likely suffer less, and much of the suffering can be used for something constructive.
Good luck!
Athena
ISupportHer
Diamond Member
So very tough OM, if you looked at my old posts, I have said some of the exact same things. You have had some good responses. Someone, maybe it was SHOKA, used the analogy of oxygen on an airplane. You DO have to, in an emergency, put on YOUR mask first. That is very hard to think of when things seem so bad.
I'll go out on a limb and say a few things that have helped me.
I have changed some of my approach. I ask "Are you OK for a hug" instead of just going up to her even though her startle response is much improved.
I do not overload her with cards, flowers, texts but I do things like a brief touch on her arm as I pass, give her the option to share and be happy when she can, Even just a little.
I look for the positive. My example is that about a year ago, I posted that I was so very upset that I went to great detail to have an expensive dinner out, gift, saying I loved her and her only response was that she was sorry she is putting me through hell. I was so very upset that she did not say the 3 words. Then someone pointed out that she was SHOWING me her love as best she could by acknowledging her PTSD to me in that way, which had to be hard for her to say. Is the glass half empty or is it half full? We all have to decide when enough is enough but I try so hard to look at it as half full.
Do I get "down" sometimes? You bet I do. But I not only acknowledge it to myself, I say to myself "you are human too, this is a lot to handle" BUT then I do NOT allow myself to wallow in self pity anymore. I sure USED to do that.
And talk to someone. Due to my job as a manager and my situation here, I don't really feel there is someone I can unload on face to face. So I use the forum and friends I PM a lot as my support system. That may not work for you but even guys need to have an outlet. It's just that many guys won't admit that.
Take care!
ISH
I'll go out on a limb and say a few things that have helped me.
I have changed some of my approach. I ask "Are you OK for a hug" instead of just going up to her even though her startle response is much improved.
I do not overload her with cards, flowers, texts but I do things like a brief touch on her arm as I pass, give her the option to share and be happy when she can, Even just a little.
I look for the positive. My example is that about a year ago, I posted that I was so very upset that I went to great detail to have an expensive dinner out, gift, saying I loved her and her only response was that she was sorry she is putting me through hell. I was so very upset that she did not say the 3 words. Then someone pointed out that she was SHOWING me her love as best she could by acknowledging her PTSD to me in that way, which had to be hard for her to say. Is the glass half empty or is it half full? We all have to decide when enough is enough but I try so hard to look at it as half full.
Do I get "down" sometimes? You bet I do. But I not only acknowledge it to myself, I say to myself "you are human too, this is a lot to handle" BUT then I do NOT allow myself to wallow in self pity anymore. I sure USED to do that.
And talk to someone. Due to my job as a manager and my situation here, I don't really feel there is someone I can unload on face to face. So I use the forum and friends I PM a lot as my support system. That may not work for you but even guys need to have an outlet. It's just that many guys won't admit that.
Take care!
ISH
- Post starter
- #10
Her reaction to the flowers was rather neutral. She said thank you. That was it. I couldn't tell if she appreciated them or not.
As for having someone I can vent to, there really isn't anyone who can fulfill that role. My best friend (female) is bipolar and wouldn't handle it well. I wouldn't be comfortable discussing things with anyone else, especially family. I've started a carer diary as a surrogate.
As for having someone I can vent to, there really isn't anyone who can fulfill that role. My best friend (female) is bipolar and wouldn't handle it well. I wouldn't be comfortable discussing things with anyone else, especially family. I've started a carer diary as a surrogate.
ISupportHer
Diamond Member
I still think flowers are OK as long as it is not too much or too often. I may be off base but, from my personal experience, I think that "they" react that way because of poor self esteem sometimes. I am not a mind reader, wish I was, LOL, but some sufferers have described this feeling sometimes. Like they feel they don't deserve it.
I really think it is important to show that you are still "there" but maybe a single rose on occasion instead of a big expensive arrangement. Just the little things, gestures, words, when she is having a hard time. Hard to hold back when you want to do everything humanly possible.
Again, just MY 2 cents, not that you have to do it that way. Everyone is different.
ISH
I really think it is important to show that you are still "there" but maybe a single rose on occasion instead of a big expensive arrangement. Just the little things, gestures, words, when she is having a hard time. Hard to hold back when you want to do everything humanly possible.
Again, just MY 2 cents, not that you have to do it that way. Everyone is different.
ISH
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