Am I Being Unreasonable? Or Is He?

[Need an Oasis]

Hi everyone, I just joined. It's good to be here and see that I'm not alone.

I'm engaged to a wonderful man who is trying very hard to learn about PTSD and how to help me. But sometimes he makes me so angry. He is trying hard, and I'm trying hard. But we can't seem to agree one some basic things. We're half a world apart and stay in touch with Skype, MSN, e-mail, phone calls. The time difference sucks.

On my bad days, I don't want to talk to him, or most anyone. He wants to talk to me, because where he is it's lonely and isolated and he says he needs contact with me, it keeps him going. I get that. He is PTSD-free and was in a different war, at a different time, and he's from a different country. He understands, but not completely. He insists that if I don't feel I can talk to him on a bad day then he doesn't want me to talk to anyone else that day either (except my psychiatrist). I feel, I don't know, blackmailed? Pressured? Am I being unreasonable? Do I put on a happy face and talk, so I can maybe go and have a coffee with a friend when I feel better, without him hitting the ceiling?

 

[Zipperhead]

You feel, I don't know, manipulated? Okay, jealousy maybe? Insecurity on his part? Make sure he knows how that request sounds. Maybe it was just said in an emotional moment. Could be that's not really how he feels. Give him a chance to explain.

 

[Need an Oasis]

I don't know, Zipperhead. Manipulated, yes, a little bit. It's not a new topic, we go around and around with this one all the time. My psychiatrist mediated a compromise, where we have a set time for chats that works for both of us with the time difference, but it is not really a perfect solution because I have to plan my entire day around that, which makes me even more resentful, and then it all ends up snowballing and ends in an ugly argument.

 

[Jimmy1]

Send him these documents, maybe it will help him understand.
I usually post these three to all new veterans with partners. It appears to help.
As long as your communications is going then your on the right path. And remember to look out for number one. Your no good to anyone if your not feeling right about yourself.
It takes a partner with unusually thick skin and a big understanding to live with a veteran with PTSD.

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[EOD96]

Greetings Oasis, and welcome! I and others here share your pain on this one. My wife of 17 years and I have been trying to recover from the hell I put her through last year. Jimmy's right on the money though. As soon as I was diagnosed, we read everything we could put our hands on. Hopefully a light will come on for both of you, and once you learn how this thing works, I mean the mechanics of stress, your conditioned responses, etc., and if he is still in this for keeps, you'll be able to come to an understanding with each other.

 

[Anglesachse]

I find that in my own relationship, using todays media devices to communicate causes more problems between me and the misses. It`s all good only being seconds away with an Email or Messenger system and even by phone. But we generaly don`t realy have the time to "communicate" properly. It is all quick and I haven`t got time and all that. There is no real intimacy no expression of feelings and all the rest that goes with it. Don`t get me wrong, it is a real upper, to hear the voice of a loved one when your in some hell hole miles away, not knowing what is going to happen from one second to the next.

Maybe showing my age here but what the hell. I realy used to love getting blueys (you could send them through the BFPO system to loved ones anywhere at no extra cost). I could allways read them when "I" had the time and when "I" needed to read them, and answer them as and when "I" was in the right mind set. Same went for my misses. She had a couple out the otherday, along with a couple of cards, all stuff she was putting in her memories box, and she let me have another read of them. I don`t express anything anywhere near as much as I used to in those letters.

Food for thought maybe, or just me regurgitating shit?! never 100% sure about hat one

 

[Need an Oasis]

Thank you Jimmy, I'll share the documents. I've read them, too. Scott and Anglesachse, thanks for the moral support.

 

[Need an Oasis]

Yes, Anglesachse, food for thought, thank you. We have been talking for a couple of hours this morning, we agreed on a lot of things, we are both making a new effort, and I think maybe things will get better now. Cautiously optimistic.

 

[Ned]

With Anglesachse on that. Email works reasonably well because you can open it up (within reason) when you want.
I miss communicating with letters, too. Always seemed to get more into them, and value the ones I received.
I bloody hate mobiles, I do.

 

[Jimmy1]

Yeah, emails you can edit and delete and read time and time again before you press the dreaded 'Send' Button.

I am guilty of getting angry and texting. Or saying something.

Sometimes I am lucky Margaret has such thick skin.

 

[Need an Oasis]

Yeah Ned and Jimmy, I think that is a part of the problem. I don't often text/send when angry. It's more a case of, I tell him that I'm down and don't want to talk, and he pushes on, asking why? What happened? And the last thing I feel like doing on a shit day is explain why I have a shit day. To anyone. I just want to be left alone. He doesn't have a thick skin. And I'm afraid that if we keep going in this circle then he will leave. We are talking about it now, today (thanks Jimmy), and I think we are getting closer to understanding each other.

 

[Jimmy1]

The worst part about PTSD is that there does not have to be anything wrong. Your subconscious can fill your cup up in your sleep and you can just wake up super stressed. And the other thing I was told is not to try and dissect what is wrong, sometimes you can just have a bad day because it just is........
You don't have to fight it, just make sure it does not become a bad day all the time, that is the warning sign.