Sexual Assault Am I Broken

[Lex113]

(I guess this belongs in this subcategory )
In 2012 I was a virgin and in 2012 I was raped by my boyfriend...I froze I didn't even know he was inside of me when I saw both his hands I knew. I told him I loved him for the first time I had just turned 18, and he was my first boyfriend he is five years my senior. I didn't want to believe what was happening so I said those stupid words. I've never accepted it. And four years and two kids later I guess I finally am trying to accept the first time and other times he took advatange of me.
Its been a year since he left and a year since I've been sexually active. Nothing turns me on, im not even interested in sex....is this normal? I try to be intimate with myself but it doesn't work. I feel broken.

 

[SeanCharles]

Hello, Lex113! This is a great start. I am so sorry that you were taken advantage of in this way. Several questions come time mind, but I may hold off and see if someone else asks some or all of them. :tup:

 

[Mim28]

(I guess this belongs in this subcategory )
In 2012 I was a virgin and in 2012 I was raped by my boyfri...

You are not broken. You were violated and your response is completely normal. Have you spoken too anyone about this? My family member was raped and had the same issue. Therapy helped a lot and the dr gave her ideas to reintroduce heathy sexual responses which she was able to control. Yes, I mean on her own. It has helped her. She is now in a loving marriage and hopes to have children. I

 

[Friday]

Very normal :) For any of several reasons (some you listed, others are implied by other things you listed), much less all of them at once!

...

On a personal level, I tend toward the opposite direction; my libido drop kicks into overdrive in most situations that might should bring pause. That said? There have been times where it just shuts off. Usually? If I take a step back and look at why it might have done that? (The 4 most common reasons are: Sleep Deprivation, Depression, Anti-Depressants, & Stress... Not "just" emotional/mental stress but dieting, illness, injury, & other physical stresses on the body... And these are the most common for humans, even before adding PTSD). If I can figure out the most probable reasons and sort those? My libido comes back very quickly. But I actually have to do things like sleep, & eat, & feel better... First.

Adding in sexual trauma? That's a whole other level of things that may be going wrong.

The only good thing about PTSD -that I've found- is that it's cyclic, not static. Which means that no matter how bad my symptoms get? They can be worked on, and gradually alleviated. Including my ability to want or to have & enjoy sex. No matter what the symptom or the side effect? If I work on it, it gets better. That's kind of an amazing thing :) Even if it <insert swearish rant here> takes time.