Am I Dissociating?

[Lolly]

My youngest sister (I call her Pip on the forum) was diagnosed with Dissociation Identity Disorder about a year and half ago, but she has suffered with it her whole life. Over the past few months, my family have made comments to me that they think I might dissociate, but I shoot it down immediately. After learning more about it, however, I think they could be right... I thought maybe I could list my 'symptoms' and ask what you think?

(background info: I was physically/sexually/mentally/emotionally abused from when I was born to the age of 14, by my Dad)

A lot of the time I can be on the phone/texting/talking IRL and suddenly "wake up" mid-conversation and realise I have no idea what they are talking about. I swear I was stood there listening, but nothing is processing. On occasion, I have had someone ask if I was OK, as I looked very distant as if I was in a trance.

I don't really feel like I belong in my body. I know its weird to say, but it feels like this body I am in has been swapped for someone elses. I only started feeling like this the past couple of months when the anxiety from PTSD really started to kick in.

I don't remember things very well. I can tell you about my abuse, and bad things that have happened in my life, but I don't remember the nice things very well at all. Most of my life is a complete blur if I'm honest, with just the odd memory sticking out.

Lately, especially late at night when I'm alone in bed, I start thinking odd thoughts and start to drift off, suddenly my whole body will jerk and it will be as if this huge fog has been lifted and everything is clear. I don't remember any of the thoughts I have had, and sometimes when I check the time an hour has suddenly passed.

My Mum has on many, many occasions come back home with the shopping with apparently "my favourite foods". I'll protest and tell her I never eat them, and why would I tell you their my favourite?! Pip will chime in and say that only yesterday I was saying (for ex) how much I love sweet potato (I really don't like it yuk) and today I am suddenly am the polar opposite. I honestly never remember telling them these so called "favourite things".

I daydream an awful lot. Sometimes, the daydream will become soooo real, I think it actually happened. Sometimes it takes me hours to realise it was just a daydream. I then begin doubting if my actual memories were just daydreams.

I act differently depending on who I'm with. If I am with my family and best mate, I will be a grumpy, distant cow. If I am with children (I babysit a lot), I will be bright and cheerful and running around with them having fun. Making sure they have everything they need. If I am with close friends, I will be relaxed and happy, up for anything. Fancy going fishing? Sign me up! Wanna eat mushrooms and rabbit pie? Delicious!. The moment I talk to my family, though, it feels as if I change into a completely different person. I hate everything and everyone, I cannot cope with doing things, etc.

I do have more stuff but I don't wanna write a novel on my possible symptoms, lol. I hope you get the idea. After reading all that, do you think I have a possibility of DID?

Take care everyone, and stay safe.

Lolly :)

 

[digger]

A lot of those behaviours point to dissociation, yes, but that doesn't mean you have DID. DID is the most extreme form of dissociation, but there's a very big range leading up to that starting at simply daydreaming.

 

[Lolly]

A lot of those behaviours point to dissociation, yes, but that doesn't mean you have DID. DID is the most extreme form of dissociation, but there's a very big range leading up to that starting at simply daydreaming.

Thank you. My sister is very extreme, and although it is a possibility I'm dissociating, I really don't agree with my family that it is DID! I just wanted to make sure, thanks :D

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Lolly,
There is a spectrum, and possibly two of them.

At the very lowest level (which everyone can do) getting a feeling and dismissing it or choosing to ignore it is a form of dissociation. at the end of the scale is a personal holo-deck where we can go to play, and, though we might look out through the window into the real world, we can pretty much shut out pain and abuse. finding the way out of that place can take some doing.

The possible second spectrum is having different parts and alters within you, and loosing time, not recogmizing people who seem to know you, finding yourself in places that you don't know how you got there. That is the world of DID. I only know of it from other people's descriptions. hopefully some who experience it will contribute first hand experiences.

 

[Little Flower]

Hi lolly

 

[Chava]

Best to talk to a doc/therapist who could go over your specific symptoms with you. I don't have DID so can't speak to those specifics. But I relate to some of this as trauma symptoms. I don't have memory problems but I can relate to not feeling like I'm in my body. Depersonalization, sometimes derealization stuff (like my bookshelf is a strange bookshelf and stuff in my house looks bizarre and not mine). I also do the trance thing, feel frozen or immobilized at times. And I've often sort of changed myself depending on who I'm with. Not to a huge degree, but I've noticed a chameleon-like way of adapting, and moreso in the past there was no "me" that felt very consistent. Partly why relationships just feel tiring. I think that's just a survival thing for getting by sometimes, not really dissociative. More related to complex trauma and the self-other stuff for me, but I understand that to a really high degree that stuff can be more a personality disorder. It sounds like you are aware of how you behave differently around others, so that part sounds (to me, and I'm not professional), like an adaptive thing that might also include a sort of fractured or lost sense of self, which we can have from trauma with or without DID.

But the memory questions, combined with your other symptoms, should be directed towards a professional. Especially if your sister has diagnosed DID, there would be a greater chance your symptoms might also land you in the dissociative disorders...but could be "fugue" stuff, other dissociative disorders without being DID, or trauma with stronger dissociative symptoms, if that's what's really going on. Just based on my understanding, early and long-term trauma can present as PTSD but also more likely with co-occurring dissociative, personality, and/or other disorders (I seem to have more somatoform stuff, like chronic pain, but also feel like I've dissociated or disconnected from parts of my body).

Sorry for your years of suffering, by the way. I hope you are safe now.

Hang in there, Lolly! Maybe start making some notes if you aren't already, like keep a journal and add bits through the day. Do you see a therapist currently?

 

[Little Flower]

How are u right now ?

 

[Lolly]

Hi Lolly,
There is a spectrum, and possibly two of them.

I never realised there was a spectrum, thank you for explaining that to me! :)

Best to talk to a doc/therapist who could go over your specific symptoms with you. I don't have DID so can't speak to those specifics. But I relate to some of this as trauma symptoms.

Yes, that's what I always thought they were! To me anyway, that's what they sound most like. Except the losing time thing, that doesn't sound quite right to me!

Hang in there, Lolly! Maybe start making some notes if you aren't already, like keep a journal and add bits through the day. Do you see a therapist currently?

I was referred to Adult Mental Health (here in the UK) by my family therapist and GP. Adult Mental Health said my case was far too complicated for them, and passed me on to a charity who said the same thing. I currently go to a women's abuse charity where I have 6 months of free therapy. My care worker is amazing and she has been really helping me through all this. I see her once a week :)

- Take care! :)

How are u right now ?

I'll PM you Flower! :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

Hi Lolly,
I concur with the others on a few points. Dissociation is a spectrum. I've realized that from having friends with DID and while there are some things they describe that I can relate to, others are outside of my experience even though I do have milder dissociative symptoms. Again while reading your symptoms, there are some of them I have too, and I don't have any reason to suspect I have DID. The one that really raises a red flag is where you describe your family insisting you said things about your tastes that you feel you would never have said. But then, you'd need a professional to diagnose you. Some of what you describe could also be caused by PTSD or depression, or something else entirely.

That said, it's not easy to get a diagnosis because even most professionals don't have much experience with it. Not that it is uncommon, because it's not, but psychiatrists are taught that it is exceedingly rare for reasons I won't go into here. It's typical for a person with DID to be misdiagnosed for years before finding a diagnosis, if they ever get one, and even harder to find a therapist who knows how to help. However, you might be luckier, could you go to whoever diagnosed your sister and ask their opinion? Is your sister getting help for her DID? I've read a little of what you have written on other threads and it sounds like you and she are going through a terrible time, and I'm really sorry about that. I hope you can both get the help you need. You don't deserve to be going through this.

 

[sun seeker]

And I've often sort of changed myself depending on who I'm with. Not to a huge degree, but I've noticed a chameleon-like way of adapting, and moreso in the past there was no "me" that felt very consistent. Partly why relationships just feel tiring

I wanted to post a response to this separately. Chava, I know exactly what you mean, and while I am not a professional, this lack of consistent identity isn't DID (people with DID have different personalities that are consistent entities within themselves and come up in different circumstances, but they are not reflections of people around them necessarily, and sometimes the person is aware of more than one at a time), but it is consistent with complex trauma beginning in early childhood. It's a painful way to be. I came up with an analogy to describe this. It's like you are one of those disco balls covered in little mirrors that reflect whatever anyone looking in them wants - sometimes more than one at the same time - but the inside of the ball is empty. Does that feel something like what you experience?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I think there that not all cases of DID present themselves the same way either. I have DID and I have been told and I have read that each case of DID is unique (of course with the same qualifying characteristics). I would definitely go over the dissociation stuff with your therapist. Even if she's not real experienced with DID, she might be able to point you towards some good resources or have access to some helpful resources herself.

 

[Lolly]

Some of what you describe could also be caused by PTSD or depression, or something else entirely.

Totally agree! If I do dissociate, I definitely think its very mild. Nothing like DID, and possibly just a repercussion of my PTSD! Thank you for your reply! :D

Is your sister getting help for her DID? I've read a little of what you have written on other threads and it sounds like you and she are going through a terrible time, and I'm really sorry about that. I hope you can both get the help you need. You don't deserve to be going through this.

Yes, she is! She's been in a Young People's Phsyc ward for about a year now! She is allowed home a couple of days a week. She has improved a lot since she's been in there :) And thank you! You're very sweet! :hug: