Am I Just Being Immature?

[Ecul]

im starting to think I'm just being stubborn and holding onto a grudge against my dad who I think psychologically abused me in childhood. I had a breakdown when I was 17 (24 now) and having since been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and binge eating disorder. Maybe I just want someone to blame for my failures?
I can't even express myself to myself if that makes sense as it reminds me of him in that if I let my guard down its like he's won and the abuse never happened.
I've been self neglecting and abandoning for years I almost want to keep myself stuck.
Am I just holding a grudge and need to grow up? For example I'll think about doing something positive for myself and then have a feeling of disgust and imagine him saying 'see there's nothing wrong with him'
Don't know if this makes any sense

 

[Jimaf]

im starting to think I'm just being stubborn and holding onto a grudge against my dad who I think psychologically abused...

All my life, people have told me that I hold grudges. I've finally realized that what people call grudges are actually wounds that haven't healed.

Honour your feelings. They're true for you.

 

[Roho]

All my life, people have told me that I hold grudges. I've finally realized that what people call grudges are actually...

So right

 

[Umu]

@Ecul Sounds like your dad hurt you pretty badly. And that you are feeling the effects of the psychological abuse you said you suffered in childhood. Have you had any therapy, any counseling because you have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Do you still live with your dad? Because a parent is suppose to play such a pivotal role in all areas of our developmental growth from little child to a responsible adult, and children try and model after our parent(s), your dad has hurt your ability to even form an opinion about what he did to you and how you think and feel about the pain he has caused you. So, he has adversely affected your sense of self, your identity, and your ability to form your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions even about what he did and how he has hurt you.

Your feelings of disgust you relate to your dad. You are allowed to be angry with your dad, and you if you want, can still love your dad, or not. I too have a binge eating disorder, and I have to be careful what I bring into my place. Trigger foods set me off into a binge-eating cycle. I just want to say that you didn't become depressed and anxiety-ridden in a vacuum, or in a bubble. There were precipitating factors as you have already shared that being your dad was abusive and I ate to fill the hole inside of me created by the mean and cruel things my dad use to say to me (he's deceased). And my dad for a long time (even after he died) had such control over my mind, thoughts, and feelings. Therapy has taught me that I can grieve for the dad that was good to me, and I can (in my case alone) rage over the horrible things my dad did to me and did not do for me. Hope this helps. Message me anytime. I care about you. And you are not alone in your pain. I am here, and thousands of other members are here with you as well. You never have to be alone again. (hug) JJ

 

[Ecul]

@Ecul Sounds like your dad hurt you pretty badly. And that you are feeling the effects of the psychological abuse you sai...

Thanks for your reply it means a lot what you say is definitely true about his impact on me.
I still live at home yes I've not been able to move on. I'm set to start therapy in March.
My mind is going into overdrive I analyse every thought I have I feel like my head is going to explode. I'm just questioning everything, I feel like I've got my mind into a mess. I'm sure I'll calm down soon.
It just feels like I have to hold onto so many things that would seem petty and immature to most people. It's like I'm waiting for him to acknowledge what he did before I can move on but that won't happen.
I'm ashamed that I've been in this state for so long, I feel as though I could have let go at any point but haven't.
Ah my heads a mess.

 

[Adal]

I been through the exact thing. The best thing I did was find a different support, even if it meant a free support group online/ in person in the city you live in. I have found doing the things I love on a regular basis had helped me alot. For me this was coloring,painting,playing video-games,and dancing (this is despite work,and family I mean things that are considered selfish (but are not).I made sure to do things I loved at least once a day for two hours or so.
I never confronted my Dad because as time went on, i realized it wouldn't change him. He would see me as a loser because he had labeled me that. I decided that trying to chase my dreams was better. It is hard, I miss my Dad but I'm healthy in the head for it. I'm not saying disown him, but don't indulge his attitude, ignore his opinion and do what you love.
I don't know if it will help but that's what I did. I ended up disowning him because i realized he was abusive, and it was toxic and hurting me. I hope to one day to reconcile, but until ive finished building a new support that just not possible.

 

[Lonoke]

Thanks for your reply it means a lot what you say is definitely true about his impact on me.
I still live at home yes I'v...

@Ecul You write in your posts very well about what you truly are feeling for the moment. I strongly suggest that if you already have a journal or a composition pad, something to write in - that you start journaling your thoughts and feelings down. You have expressed yourself well and I believe when you journal you will see the words you've written (if you so choose, just a suggestion for I journal a lot) make more sense to you than you could ever imagine. And you can take journal (notepad) into therapy and share your written thoughts and feelings from your notepad (journal). This will be easier for you to tell the therapist what's going on inside of your head instead of going in and having your mind racing, and not being able to focus.

You did not put your mind into a mess. No. And I certainly understand that you feel like your head is going to explode. And waiting for your dad to admit his guilt in how he has hurt you only keeps you forever locked in a mental, psychological cage the very cage you are now locked into. Your dad may or may never (mine did not) admit to causing you so much pain and mass confusion. You are young and can go into therapy (I'm in emdr therapy - google this type of therapy) and begin to cut away the cobwebs of the spiderweb that your dad has had you entangled in. You have your own brain, your own thoughts, feelings that are separate from your dad, your friends, from everyone. You will be independent of what your dad has sadly programmed your brain to spit out at you in random moments, if you work in therapy and talk about how you feel your dad has made you feel like nothing. And that is what I am hearing from you when you just said that you feel so ashamed and that you could have let go at any point.

Your dad was suppose to build up your character, not tear it down. And now you are very much aware of the damage he has done to your psyche (core being) the very essence of you. And now it's your time to come out of denial that your dad nearly destroyed your mind, and then also your entire being and step into your truth about who you want to be now. Not who he programmed your mind to believe that you are. This is your time now. Not his. His reign of pain is over once you start coming out full on of denial and talking with trustworthy and accomplished therapist about how your dad has nearly destroyed your sense of self (core). I am so grateful that you care enough about yourself at this moment to post here and reach out to members (me) here in this forum. You never ever have to live up inside of your head anymore. You are not alone anymore with lies your mind has been programmed by your dad to tell you lies. It's time for the truth that you in spite of what was said or done to you, you are an amazing young man with an amazing future. You just have to be brave and tell your truth. Not anyone else's. Your truth. JJ

 

[Itosi]

I don't hold grudges, as a rule. Nor do I blame anyone else for my failures. And I would be hard pressed to care less about what anyone else thinks of me.

I still have PTSD.

 

[Dicoma]

I've been told that I hold "grudges" against people. I disagree. I simply am not content to forgive and forget. If we do not learn from our pasts, we are doomed to repeat history, or worse, perpetuate an abusive cycle unto another generation. Those who have purposefully hurt me, abused me, used me, or neglected me, either as an adult, child or both, I will not allow to do so again. Don't let those who do not have your best interests at heart tell you what you are or are not allowed to feel about them. Your feelings do not have to go through an external source of justification... You're the one that has to look at themselves in the mirror and decide if they like the person looking back at them.

 

[Tefis]

Hmm I recall having similar feelings about my own father. somrhow the love I felt for him as a child, which I remember was a big love, got twisted. I felt angry at my father but I was actually deep down very hurt by my father.
The anger I felt for my father played out everywhere in my life. I think I made almost every mistake there is to make. I think I hated myself as much as I hated him.
I didn't purposefully hold s grudge. I tried to forgive! I read all the books, I travelled around India looking for the answer to this anger I had inside of me. I didn't want it.
One day I role played with another person where they were me and I was my father. It was actually a revelation! I realised I wasn't crazy and I realised the way I was being treated would makd anyone crazy.
I really got it that day that this is MY life.
I'm grateful I got given a life but that doesn't mean I have to subject myself to being treated badly.
My father had his own problems. Yours does too.
But you are you, not him, and this life is yours.
Draw close to those who understand you and respect you, keep a boundary around those that don't (your father)
It sounds like you have low self esteem maybe as a result of your relationship with him. If you start caring about your life, taking your feelings seriously and using them to guide you, you will get stronger.
It's hard to find your wings if you grow up being invalidated, but they are there.
It's not about him, pleasing him or not. It's about overcoming that invalidation.
It's easier to overcome if you think of it as a challenge, rather than a grudge.
It took me until I was 40 to realise that! It changed my life (for the better)
Sorry so long!

 

[Ciliv]

Forgiving someone doesn't mean you're dismissing the fact something happened, you're simply saying this one action in the past isn't going to hold me back emotionally any more than it is on its own.

I wouldn't call your feelings immature, but you said you think he psychologically abused you, right? It likely happened, since psychological abuse/warfare can really f*ck with your memory and perception.

Either way, grudges are always an obstacle to healing, regardless of the nature of the trespass and the nature of its effect on your life. It's up to you what you do with it though.

 

[Giwat]

All my life, people have told me that I hold grudges. I've finally realized that what people call grudges are actually...

I wish I knew who you really were so I could quote you in my status - this is genius right here