Relationship Am I Not Supposed To Argue?

[tsadlerj]

My girlfriend has PTSD and she means the world to me. With that being said, our relationship isn't perfect. We argue at times like I'm sure most couples do. The only thing is is that when we do argue it usually ends up lasting a lot longer than it really should. For me, we argue, we make our point, and then we make up. But that's not how it works for her. Most of the time I end up getting shut out. Rather than the argument being done with, she will often go into her shell and not come out for a few days and it kills me. So what should I do about it? Should I not argue with her if something has happened that I don't agree with? I'm already walking on egg shells as it is. Am I supposed to just let everything slide off my back and pretend that something doesn't bother me? I'm so confused. All I want to do is what's right for her and I can't ever seem to get it right.

 

[amethist]

It's difficult tsadlerj

On one hand you need to be your own person and be able to say what you need to say, on the other you need to be aware that sometime with PTSD they see things differently from what we do.

You need the patience of a saint and the skin of a rhino to be a good supporter, and learn to let the un important things just go with the wind.

 

[gtpgurl]

Arguments are a huge trigger for me. Even if I can sence my boyfriend is mad or frustrated at something that has nothing to do with me, brings me right back 10 years ago to the trauma.

 

[Sandstone]

Two thoughts - First - what do you want to achieve by arguing? Is there a way you can get to that end without having to have the fight? If it's mainly about blowing off steam for you then it might be kinder to go and do some physical activity and then come back and talk about it. If it's about making her understand how bad you are feeling, is there another way to show that? I'm not claiming any expertise here as I can blow up like hydrogen balloon hitting a high voltage line, but I am learning that a lot of my explosions come from pain, and that it's better to air a day and then calmly say "When you do this, it upsets me because of that."

Second - I'm not sure the going into the shell is necessarily a PTSD thing. I say this because in my the relationship, I'm the one with PTSD and I'm the one who blows up and then it's all over. I can see though that an argument could easily trigger PTSD isolating and withdrawal.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you bite your tongue 24/7, the eggshell feeling WILL get 1000 times worse!

 

[Echo]

We are all different, but I know I can't stand conflict and having a man shout at me puts me right back to being in fear of my abusive father. Actually, I have an acute reaction to being shouted at. For me a mature way of dealing with things is to wait until the anger subsides (hey, we all get angry) and then talk about it in a non-confrontational manner. Making "I feel" or "I find" statements instead of immediately going for the jugular with "You make me feel" or "You always say/do/think x, y or z"; in other words, taking responsibility for your own feelings and reactions and not presuming that the other person is malicious, means ill, or even meant to hurt you. I don't know if this is non-violent communication because I have never learnt those principles, but I do find that sorting things out this way is so much more positive, successful and ultimately loving. BUT it takes practice.... And now that I've got CPTSD, I'd have to work like this in relationships, shouting being far too distressing for me, either as shouter or shoutee.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm @Echo, the poster said nothing about yelling or shouting. He said arguing. Have you never experienced a calm, non shouting, non yelling argument? I don't think you're the only one who assumed his arguments are loud.

 

[Echo]

@Solara - in my experience, non-yelling, non-shouting arguments are discussions, arguments are shouting. But that is just about semantics; maybe the original poster could clarify.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I was a supporter to a man with PTSD and this was an issue I had with him as well. If I tried to hold it in completely, it usually boiled over. He did better if we calmly discussed an issue a few days after the fact. However, he had a tendency still shut down some afterwards. I tried very hard to do the "I felt..." Or "I heard this...". He tended to always assume he had been in the wrong. He always would take it very personally. I would end up owning most of the culpability because he would seem so sad that he had "messed up again" or "always said things wrong". Not that my reaction of owning more than I should was right, but I saw how he internalized it as "being a bad person".

I think, especially when part of the PTSD is due to childhood abuse, they take conflict as saying they are bad or not good enough. I am not sure if it is similar, but she may always retreat after a conflict. She may needto in order to deal with things.

To be a supporter you must be very patient. You must remember their brain works differently than yours. Fight/flight/ or freeze is always there. Just my experience and from what I have read.

I wish you the best and applaud you trying to understand PTSD to better support her.

 

[Echo]

PS @Solara - I didn't say anything about yelling either!

 

[Justmehere]

There is a saying "it is better to be kind than right." It may be true that there are things you need to just let go.

It may also be true that you might just need ssome more communication skills to work out disagreements that is less overwhelming for her and you.

In DBT, dialectical behavior therapy, they have a whole section on interpersonal effectiveness. Part of what that section teaches is to think through what your objective is before engage a conversation. A crude way of explaining it is to ask the question, do I value the relationship more or do I value my position more? Neither is more wrong or right. From there, you go about discussing the disagreed upon matter based on what your objective is. I can't explain it very well... (maybe someone else here can?)

I have also found that using NVC - Non Violent Communication techniques very helpful when I have a disagreement with someone. Try not to be put off by the word violence, as it is not really about that. It's just the name of the communication technique. There is a book on this technique. I have found that a some disagreements will deescalate and resolve without either side feeling so overwhelmed in the process. It really preserves dialogue and relationship. It's not very complex, and with lots of practice, it works pretty well. I'm still working on it. You can google for more information about it - there are book and online websites that explain how it works.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok damn, @Echo, you did say shouting, which where I live is synonymous with yelling so sorry I "misspoke" but c'mon you've gotta admit you're picking at semantics to say that shouting isn't a synonym to yelling and feel the need to point out my so called "mistake". Geesh. Which distracts from my point that you're adding in an element to the argument that didn't even exist (ie the raising of the voice which is present in both shouting AND yelling).

argue[ ahr-gyoo ]
verb (used without object) [ar·gued, ar·gu·ing.]
1. to present reasons for or against a thing: He argued in favor of capital punishment.
2. to contend in oral disagreement; dispute: The senator argued with the president about the new tax bill.

No mention of a raised voice in this definition, eh?