Relationship Am I Not Supposed To Argue?

[Seaotter]

My sold sufferer thinks when I don't say anything I am hostile and no matter what I say I'm hostile and attacking him. Eggshells are so hard especially when we are taught to look after our own needs and create boundaries first. My sufferer asked me for space last week, I ignored him at our mutual activity and he is now triggered by abandonment and very angry with me. The angriest he;s ever been. Three days after I sent him a message that said, "hey"...and he ranted at me, I explained, he didn't hear what I was saying. The next day, bc he was angry I sent him a message, "drive-by hug, just cause" and he said, "if you want to be my friend, prove it" and then told me "I failed as a friend badly"...he's attacking/punishing me. I don't deserve his behavior. I am not perfect, but in our 6 month break, I have done nothing to harm him. He isolates from only me and if I pull away he does things to make me react. I wonder if it's all a test? I'm on the cusp of giving up bc I don't want to always be the bad person, I'm tired of eggshells and I'm tired of not knowing what the right thing to say or not say is. It's exhausting and to be honest it pommels my self-esteem. He is the most incredible man I've ever met, but right now I feel we're in a mire that we can't get out of. After 6 months I am the one who needs the break. His behavior doesn't make sense but I am in charge of me and what I can handle. I wish I was stronger, but I am hurt and need to grieve what was.

 

[Never Give Up]

I wonder if it's all a test?

Yes, my own opinion. I also feel that I am being tested all the time. I see my wife is looking for mistake on my facebook and she writes down things that I have done in the past and she uses it in the "present" which triggers more anger. Keep your chin up....it is not you.

 

[ARH10]

How as supporters are we supposed to master this dance?

We can do our best to let things go and remain silent, but peace keeping will only last so long. Even if we are the most perfect supporter and inevitable trigger will arise.

To what end do we sacrifice our right to argue and our right to voice an unpopular opinion? Is a relationship where someone is afraid to argue even a relationship worth having?

 

[Sephira]

This is a great post with many really great replies. Sweetpea your reply was great. It was just what I needed to hear this morning. ARH, I have no clue how to master the dance. I've been trying for 4 years now and it hasn't worked. I still trigger my beloved over the smallest things and that small thing can grow until he's yelling and isolates for days. I've learned that during times when he is unusually stressed I need to be extra careful as he will trigger easily. I'll be honest, sometimes I resent not being able to lose my cool when there is a disagreement. He can rage, yell, slam doors, walk away but I need to always be calm, patient, rational and speak in a modulated tone. "Not stepping in the PTSD" is at times exhausting and aggravating.

The thing that worries me is this, because I'm the closest to him, I tend to trigger him the most often. I need to be the most careful. I struggle with how to I keep him from associating the bad feelings that come when I trigger him with me.