- Post starter
- #13
I'm sorry I haven't responded. I had to breathe to respond, but I care every time people reach out to me. I come here to express and I do feel annoying, but suicide hotlines don't help me, this is one of the few places that I feel compassion. I've also reached out to an invisible illness organization and they gave me free art supplies and I'm emailing these people and it was so amazing how much kindness they had towards a stranger. I felt scared and I honestly want to block them and want to block out people who are kind because in my mind there is so much distrust, but a little honest compassion in combination with "relatability" * quotes because it's not a dictionary word as of now* goes a long way.
All your words help. Not hearing perspectives from people who are actually going through it, can be damaging in a way. Especially when people shine light on angles or they pick up on things you didn't think they would pick up on and it starts to make sense.
Yeah it's true, I wanted to tell her things, but she never knew how to handle things without screaming, hollering and carrying on, I told her that and her response is, " that's what I'm supposed to do". I don't know if I have brought this up already because it's traumatizing to scroll back up and read what I wrote, but she loves to bring my nieces into it and say things like "* their names* will even speak up and tell me things, but you can't". Like the mother/grandmother dynamic is totally is different, they never got screamed at for hours, whipped really bad because a bag fell of the door because they was accused of throwing it, didn't live in a home with your abusive husband, had to witness 3 of their family members being stabbed and had to be rescued from a house with a stabber chasing them, got punched in the face by their drug addicted father, was an infant sitting in a car with a then 7/8 year old sister when you were ringing pistol shots through a house with my father in it because he was cheating on you, etc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do believe in forgiveness, but it's to a point where I have to question myself if I have Stockholm syndrome! Or am I in this position because of my illness because in my old threads there were so much hope until whatever hit my body hit it, like I was ready to move into an apt, the money that I'm now using to pay doctors and hospital bills was going towards an APT, furniture, etc.
She tells me, which I do agree with, is that some people handle things differently because there are things she's not telling me, but allegedly she's been through worse. It's wild confusing because one second she's telling me " we all handle things differently, then the next, it's "It's your fault for not telling me!" ?????????????????
She does have really sweet and supportive moments, I've watched hours of videos on narcissism, researched it and I really don't think that she's that. She may have slight dementia because she will say things out of her mouth and forget she said them the next second and yell at you about how she didn't just say that, but she's been like that since her mid 30's.
I honestly think it's an intelligence problem in combination with some type of memory disorder and some other sort of personality disorder. Sure she does have narcissistic tendencies and I thought that was it at first. Regardless, I am beyond stressed and took 7-8 anxiety pills last month and erased data on my machines an password locked them, because I thought I was going to die from what I just did. Obviously my life is tremendously stressful, to the point I have to cut ties for my sanity, I don't want to go to a grave or develop something more because of stress.
There are times when I need her help, because of all the things that are going on, I'm very foggy and a rude doctors do step their butts into the room and she will defend me, I can say that much. I am literally all she has, because the rest of my family are worse than her, which is just freaking sad. I wish family in society was more than just blood and we had more ways to branch off into people who were related more to, instead of being born into a bunch of Aholes.
We got a doctor to recommend me to a PSTD specialist because CBT doesn't work for me, I haven't been to therapy in 4 years and therapy made it worse because I saw the ugly side of the healthcare field, so hopefully this someone who specializes in PTSD who like their jobs and other people.
That day we had a falling out I called my father who over the years I've been forming a relationship with him since he got off drugs, I was crying into the phone and told him about the time I was touched by a nurse because I thought it was a regular check up/exam and was being told it was my fault, at least he had the heart to tell me it wasn't my fault. I can tell he was holding back from bad mouthing my mother, he was being supportive. I'm thinking about moving 1,000+ miles away with him during income tax season, in my birth state. He said he will help take care of me, he's disabled and old now and waiting on disability benefits.
I don't know what I'm getting myself into because in May he called me to wire him 20 dollars through the Western Union type thing at Wal-Mart and before May was asking for that every few months. One thing my mother said that made sense was it might be a drug move because I live over 1,000 miles away, but his family is an hour away and some right up on him, but can't help him with 20 dollars? It cost a lot to wire money as well, so only 20 dollars? Then at the same time when I was one the phone talking about my trauma he recommended me applying for SSI, then he told me don't let anyone put their hands on my money if I get it. Maybe it's a disability thing? If he asked for a bigger amount, I might be less suspicious. I'm getting mixed signals from him too, but I miss my culture that I haven't been exposed to for almost 20 years. I want to work! even if I have difficulties. I need proper FLMA protection everywhere I go though because without FLMA I would be up muddy water creek.
I just need a leap in my life, but I feel sick even stepping out side, get fatigued fast. I can barley take care of myself, it would help if I had a caregiver. It's better than doing stupid things you don't want to do because trauma is in full effect and you have someone, pushing the buttons. I miss my home state so much, so even if it's for a few months. I can only hope this new opening gives me breathing room and that my dad is sane.
My first therapist who was a child therapist because I was 16/17 at the time said the exact same thing, that it's guilt and she can't face it, so it's put on me.
All your words help. Not hearing perspectives from people who are actually going through it, can be damaging in a way. Especially when people shine light on angles or they pick up on things you didn't think they would pick up on and it starts to make sense.
Yeah it's true, I wanted to tell her things, but she never knew how to handle things without screaming, hollering and carrying on, I told her that and her response is, " that's what I'm supposed to do". I don't know if I have brought this up already because it's traumatizing to scroll back up and read what I wrote, but she loves to bring my nieces into it and say things like "* their names* will even speak up and tell me things, but you can't". Like the mother/grandmother dynamic is totally is different, they never got screamed at for hours, whipped really bad because a bag fell of the door because they was accused of throwing it, didn't live in a home with your abusive husband, had to witness 3 of their family members being stabbed and had to be rescued from a house with a stabber chasing them, got punched in the face by their drug addicted father, was an infant sitting in a car with a then 7/8 year old sister when you were ringing pistol shots through a house with my father in it because he was cheating on you, etc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do believe in forgiveness, but it's to a point where I have to question myself if I have Stockholm syndrome! Or am I in this position because of my illness because in my old threads there were so much hope until whatever hit my body hit it, like I was ready to move into an apt, the money that I'm now using to pay doctors and hospital bills was going towards an APT, furniture, etc.
She tells me, which I do agree with, is that some people handle things differently because there are things she's not telling me, but allegedly she's been through worse. It's wild confusing because one second she's telling me " we all handle things differently, then the next, it's "It's your fault for not telling me!" ?????????????????
She does have really sweet and supportive moments, I've watched hours of videos on narcissism, researched it and I really don't think that she's that. She may have slight dementia because she will say things out of her mouth and forget she said them the next second and yell at you about how she didn't just say that, but she's been like that since her mid 30's.
I honestly think it's an intelligence problem in combination with some type of memory disorder and some other sort of personality disorder. Sure she does have narcissistic tendencies and I thought that was it at first. Regardless, I am beyond stressed and took 7-8 anxiety pills last month and erased data on my machines an password locked them, because I thought I was going to die from what I just did. Obviously my life is tremendously stressful, to the point I have to cut ties for my sanity, I don't want to go to a grave or develop something more because of stress.
There are times when I need her help, because of all the things that are going on, I'm very foggy and a rude doctors do step their butts into the room and she will defend me, I can say that much. I am literally all she has, because the rest of my family are worse than her, which is just freaking sad. I wish family in society was more than just blood and we had more ways to branch off into people who were related more to, instead of being born into a bunch of Aholes.
We got a doctor to recommend me to a PSTD specialist because CBT doesn't work for me, I haven't been to therapy in 4 years and therapy made it worse because I saw the ugly side of the healthcare field, so hopefully this someone who specializes in PTSD who like their jobs and other people.
That day we had a falling out I called my father who over the years I've been forming a relationship with him since he got off drugs, I was crying into the phone and told him about the time I was touched by a nurse because I thought it was a regular check up/exam and was being told it was my fault, at least he had the heart to tell me it wasn't my fault. I can tell he was holding back from bad mouthing my mother, he was being supportive. I'm thinking about moving 1,000+ miles away with him during income tax season, in my birth state. He said he will help take care of me, he's disabled and old now and waiting on disability benefits.
I don't know what I'm getting myself into because in May he called me to wire him 20 dollars through the Western Union type thing at Wal-Mart and before May was asking for that every few months. One thing my mother said that made sense was it might be a drug move because I live over 1,000 miles away, but his family is an hour away and some right up on him, but can't help him with 20 dollars? It cost a lot to wire money as well, so only 20 dollars? Then at the same time when I was one the phone talking about my trauma he recommended me applying for SSI, then he told me don't let anyone put their hands on my money if I get it. Maybe it's a disability thing? If he asked for a bigger amount, I might be less suspicious. I'm getting mixed signals from him too, but I miss my culture that I haven't been exposed to for almost 20 years. I want to work! even if I have difficulties. I need proper FLMA protection everywhere I go though because without FLMA I would be up muddy water creek.
I just need a leap in my life, but I feel sick even stepping out side, get fatigued fast. I can barley take care of myself, it would help if I had a caregiver. It's better than doing stupid things you don't want to do because trauma is in full effect and you have someone, pushing the buttons. I miss my home state so much, so even if it's for a few months. I can only hope this new opening gives me breathing room and that my dad is sane.
My first therapist who was a child therapist because I was 16/17 at the time said the exact same thing, that it's guilt and she can't face it, so it's put on me.
