Am I Overreacting To This?

[anonymous]

I'm posting anonymously because if my account name is ever discovered by people in my life, I wouldn't want them to know I posted this. Im guessing that people here will know who I am and that's ok, I just ask that you don't use my name.

Tonight a "friend" apologized for not responding to my text yesterday.

It was no big deal, as I don't expect instant replies from people.

She then continued by saying that her husband is big on not having phones out after work.

I told her that it's ok and it's good to not be tied to your phone 24/7.

However, my senses were piqued.

As an abuse survivor, my hypervigilance("paranoia") is off the charts crazy.

On the other hand, while her husband is an all around good guy, he can be controlling. He will correct her when she says things he doesn't agree with and she oftentimes defers to him. My mom sees the control, too, and it concerns her. (I've spoken to her about it so I know it's not all in my head.)

Am I overthinking the "no phones after work" thing? I'm concerned if she only feels like she can contact friends while at work. I'm not saying he's abusing her, but I know that abusers try to isolate people.

There have been other subtle signs, but have to wait and see what happens with those other "signs". (A third person has commented about said "sign" and that it was out of character.)

Am I overthinking this?

I think I need to just make sure my friend knows I'm here to support her without overstepping my bounds. I know if I say too much or make accusations, she could end up more isolated and that's the last thing I want.

 

[Friday]

I know a lot of couples who have that rule; outside of emergencies & extraordinary events? Phones off at home. Otherwise they both end up sucked into them & instead of spending time together (already very limited) are glued to their respective screens.

So can it be totally normal? Even healthy? Yep. For sure.

Do I think you're overreacting in noticing it? Nope! Not at all! :D If you jumped to "He's an abusive bastard! This proves it!" ...Then I'd think you were overreacting. But the little red flag popping? Especially in a list of other things you've noticed? No. That's not overreacting. That's awareness of how abusive bastards operate.

So it may be normal / healthy / them working on bettering their relationship... Or it could be controlling without being abusive... Or it could be one of many controlling facets in a DV situation. Or it could be something entirely different (using hubby as an excuse when she's trying to mind her own screen-time, using the free wi-fi at work & money problems at home, or a bunch of others). But no matter what the actual reason? Being aware of the possibility, and wanting to be there for her without putting her in an awkward position, if it is DV? IMO Admirable.

***

As an aside? <grin> I use forum anonymity the exact same way. Also a few other ways. It's an awesome feature. :)

 

[qwyoey]

I often ask my husband to put away his phone, and now as a habit he doesn't check it very often. It got to be that for a while even if we'd go somewhere to be together, his face was in his phone. So as a rule, it doesn't sound like an issue at all to me. If you are concerned about her, I think it's best to be open and honest.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you.

I should probably add that the phone/internet is how she stays in touch with all of her older friends (that she's had for over a year), and all of her family. She has made newer friends where she currently lives, but doesn't actually see older friends or her family all that often. (Friends/family back home, 1x a year, other friends who have scattered, less often). This is part of why the no phone at home thing is a bit worrisome. Her husband's family has $$$$ and is always flying out to see them. Her family can't afford to do so at this time.

 

[Fadeaway]

I think you are an amazing friend. I would make it a point to maintain contact with her just in case.

 

[scout86]

It would be interesting to know how this 'rule' was arrived at and how your friend feels about it. To me, there's a difference between 'we talked about it and agreed we wanted to...' and 'my husband says I can't...'

 

[anonymous]

@Friday

Thank you for giving me a breakdown from all sides. It helps me have a well rounded view of the situation. I'm going to let her know I'm here for her and show her that I'm here for her. I know that relationships are all different. However, I worry that if anything goes wrong (and I hope it doesn't), that she knows she still has support from those who love her back home. With an important part being not jumping to conclusions or putting her in an awkward position.

@Fadeaway Thank you for saying that. I'm sad that I've grown apart from her over the last few years because of the physical distance, but I'm determined to keep this relationship between us a strong one.

@qwyoey I understand that putting technology away can be healthy, and that's what I'm hoping this is. But all of the other factors make me worry.

She has a holiday collection that she's had since she was a kid. Her husband doesn't want it in their house. (This isn't the first time he's told her that he didn't want decor in their house. Last time it was a certain picture frame.) I know her mom still has the collection and is holding on to it for now. It's not ugly or gaudy or anything like that. It just isn't his taste so he says no, she can't display it.

Maybe I'm painting a clearer picture of why I'm worried? I mean my friend should be able to hold on to her childhood stuff. She should have a say in home decor. I understand that relationships are about compromise but at the same time I'm sure every couple has things that he loves/likes but she hates/dislikes and vice versa.

@scout86 you make an excellent point. I'm hoping it was a mutual compromise but I'm fearing it was not, more of something he wanted and she went along with to keep the peace (based on past interactions that I've noticed between them.) I hope I'm wrong.

 

[qwyoey]

Why don't you ask her directly? I know sometimes in life, it may seem rude. But I don't see the harm. A simple, "Does xxx bother you?"

 

[dulcia]

It would be interesting to know how this 'rule' was arrived at and how your friend feels about it. To m...

This is the angle I would use. Finding out more about how the rule came about, or finding out about others. Next time you're able, see if you can ask about how the rule was established? I know it won't solve any bigger picture issues, but might be able to add some specific perspective. If you are super super concerned, I've noticed neighbors are often the first ones to notice signs of DV in a household, even if they aren't aware of what they are noticing...if you're connected to any of them.

 

[anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I'm planning on reaching out to my friend again soon. I am going to write her a heartfelt letter so she knows she can come to me for support if she needs to. I'll try to watch and see if anything else is going on. I may be wrong, and the last thing I ever want to do is alienate my friend. I haven't forgotten about it though.

Again, thank you all!