Sexual Assault Overreacting?

[anon.co]

The second incident I still don't see as assault. Because you telling her you're not okay can mean so many things. To me it still feels like you were triggered and felt unsafe and she became unsafe.

Yes, I didn't think that the second incident was assault. I'm not entirely knowledgeable about sexual assault and the feelings that came from it are why I decided also to mention it in my post. I wanted to get perspectives on the situation.

It might be worth exploring your previous trauma as if you have been unsafe before , when we are triggered, it can make us bring that sense of being unsafe into situations now that are safe but we don't feel it. Our whole reality changes and it becomes incredibly confusing. Because we feel the unsafe feelings so intensely in the moment, it makes us think that someone is unsafe now. But they are not. I've felt that with my partner, my neighbours random people in the street. Because I have been triggered. Triggered by something they did but not because what they did was unsafe or wrong, but just because it was a trigger for me.

I will definitely look into exploring my previous trauma. I really appreciate your replies, thank you so much.

 

[Applecore]

The chances of a sexual assault charge against woman for unexpectedly kissing someone without gaining their prior consent are zero. If she persists, it might become a harassment charge.

But if she is in a relationship with the person she is trying to kiss, it's highly unlikely, because in the court there is a concept called implied or assumed consent.

Steady couples can surprise each other with oral sex while the other one is sleeping as part of a loving relationship; no prior consent is required for consent to be assumed. Do that in a one-night-stand these days, and it can be defined in court as rape.

That's as it should be. I'm not a cop or a lawyer, but I once worked on a case in which a very drunk woman walked home from the taxi and entered into the wrong house, and gave no resistance to the stranger who then had sex with her. Rightly, he went to jail. If that person had been her steady sexual partner, very likely no jail term.

But I should go back to your reply to what I said before about working out your feelings. That's what is important here, and I salute your decision to look into it.

We're here for you when you need us.

 

[anon.co]

The chances of a sexual assault charge against woman for unexpectedly kissing someone without gaining their prior consent are zero. If she persists, it might become a harassment charge.

But if she is in a relationship with the person she is trying to kiss, it's highly unlikely, because in the court there is a concept called implied or assumed consent.

I've been doing a bit of research on sexual assault laws in my state. I don't think I'd attempt to press charges for various reasons, but I can definitely say there are a few laws that may support my situation if it were to ever go to court. To add to that, there are other unmentioned things she's done that absolutely went against my consent. But again, I think it'd be pointless to attempt to press charges. Honestly, there are too many reasons not to.

because in the court there is a concept called implied or assumed consent.

Steady couples can surprise each other with oral sex while the other one is sleeping as part of a loving relationship; no prior consent is required for consent to be assumed. Do that in a one-night-stand these days, and it can be defined in court as rape.

May I ask what state/country you're in? I'm a bit shocked to read this. My state's laws on sexual assault would absolutely have someone charged for committing a sexual act on someone else who is not in a state to consent. As for implied/assumed consent, one of the laws I'm referring to states: "...a marital or sexual relationship does not expressly imply consent." But even outside of legal terms, assuming consent is ethically wrong.

 

[Movingforward10]

Steady couples can surprise each other with oral sex while the other one is sleeping as part of a loving relationship; no prior consent is required for consent to be assumed

That's not true.

that person had been her steady sexual partner, very likely no jail term.

Just because there is unlikely to be a jail term doesn't mean it isn't rape if someone is intoxicated and unable to consent in a relationship.

 

[Applecore]

That's not true.

Just because there is unlikely to be a jail term doesn't mean it isn't rape if someone is intoxicated and unable to consent in a relationship.

O/T: It was in the UK, I worked on the said specific case in which the man was jailed for rape of an intoxicated woman who entered his home. The issue about implied consent was debated in court, and the convincing case was made that it would have applied if the two people had been in a relationship. As they were not then there was no implied consent. So that is my understanding of a precedent in the UK legal system. If new precedents have updated the practice of criminal prosecutions, then I am all ears.

 

[Friday]

Does it even sound reasonable to file a report for the first incident I described? Any thoughts or advice are appreciated.

You said this.

No. It doesn’t.

I’ve KILLED people, who touched me when I don’t want to be touched. Whether that was a reasonable response, or not. So I’m not saying this lightly… you asked if your ex laying their head on your shoulder is sexual assault. If they’re kissing you, and stopping, when you indicated you don’t want to be kissing…. Then Nope. It’s not. It just isn’t.

Doesn’t mean you don’t want to kill them, in the moment, or in retrospect.

But that’s YOU. Not them. Not what they did. But where your head was at.

Even in California, and the 9th circuit, which is almost constantly overturned.

Reasons to break up? Sure. Reasons to imprison another person? Or to kill another person? Or even pay $12 in parking to attend jury duty? No. & f*ck no.

Is it sexual assault? Pfft. No. It’s not. You’re overreacting. Full stop.

You didn’t want them touching you. You broke up. Finis. But? You want to imprison them for laying their head on your shoulder?!? Reeeally? You’ve got serious damage, but it’s not them /their fault. Laying their head on hyper shoulder is something a normal person does. Who are you REALLY pissed at, that you’re blaming on someone harmless?

 

[Sideways]

If there’s one flawless surefire way to distract ourselves from our recovery, it’s to get arguing about what is and isn’t legal, or what would or wouldn’t hold up in court.

It’s a distraction from the real issue. It’s avoiding the real issue - the issue that actually needs addressing.

Why was this so distressing?
Why couldn’t I effectively communicate for myself?
Where has that fear come from, and how do I put that fear behind me?

Those are questions worth working through with a therapist, not a lawyer.

 

[Applecore]

If there’s one flawless surefire way to distract ourselves from our recovery, it’s to get arguing about what is and isn’t legal, or what would or wouldn’t hold up in court.

It’s a distraction from the real issue. It’s avoiding the real issue - the issue that actually needs addressing.

Why was this so distressing?
Why couldn’t I effectively communicate for myself?
Where has that fear come from, and how do I put that fear behind me?

Those are questions worth working through with a therapist, not a lawyer.

Thanks - this is what I meant to say in the first place, and then talked around the subject too much.

 

[anon.co]

you asked if your ex laying their head on your shoulder is sexual assault. If they’re kissing you, and stopping, when you indicated you don’t want to be kissing…. Then Nope. It’s not.

Hi, Friday. I did not ask if my ex laying her head on my shoulder was sexual assault. Please refer to the original post (as well as the thread). As for her kissing me and "stopping," I replied to your first comment on this already. To clarify again, she did not stop. As it says in my reply, I also verbalized my discomfort. Even then, she didn't stop. She continued even after I pulled away multiple times.

Regarding you saying, "You want to imprison them for laying their head on your shoulder?!?", no I do not. Again, it's not about her laying her head on my shoulder and never was. May I ask why you're so focused on that detail? I'd like to add that there are unmentioned things she's done that went well against my consent. But that's not what I'm focused on. @Friday

 

[Applecore]

I've been doing a bit of research on sexual assault laws in my state. I don't think I'd attempt to press charges for various reasons, but I can definitely say there are a few laws that may support my situation if it were to ever go to court. To add to that, there are other unmentioned things she's done that absolutely went against my consent. But again, I think it'd be pointless to attempt to press charges. Honestly, there are too many reasons not to.

May I ask what state/country you're in? I'm a bit shocked to read this. My state's laws on sexual assault would absolutely have someone charged for committing a sexual act on someone else who is not in a state to consent. As for implied/assumed consent, one of the laws I'm referring to states: "...a marital or sexual relationship does not expressly imply consent." But even outside of legal terms, assuming consent is ethically wrong.

UK law. Never heard of a spouse here being charged with rape simply for waking up their sleeping spouse with surprise oral sex.

As said elsewhere, best get back to your feelings.

 

[Movingforward10]

UK law. Never heard of a spouse here being charged with rape simply for waking up their sleeping spouse with surprise oral sex.

As said elsewhere, best get back to your feelings.

This is not true.

Consent and the law | Pause Play Stop

What does the law say? The UK law is clear - having any kind of sex or sexual activity without consent is illegal and is rape or sexual assault. The law say ...

pauseplaystop.org.uk

But, what the law does and doesn't say, and how it is and isn't enforced, is a whole other conversation.

 

[Applecore]

This is not true.

Consent and the law | Pause Play Stop

What does the law say? The UK law is clear - having any kind of sex or sexual activity without consent is illegal and is rape or sexual assault. The law say ...

pauseplaystop.org.uk

But, what the law does and doesn't say, and how it is and isn't enforced, is a whole other conversation.

Thank you, I am relaying my experience of working on a UK rape trial and the final verdict. It is true that I have never heard of a spouse here being charged with rape simply for waking up their sleeping spouse with surprise oral sex. I know of one case when there were exacerbating circumstances namely the victim never waking up to know what was happening, and being recorded; this happened repeatedly and it was the recordings that changed everything. And as you rightly say: enforcement. But getting way O/T here so thank you and I'll leave it there.