Sexual Assault Overreacting?

[anon.co]

Hello, I'm new to this website. I believe I was coerced into several sexual/physical acts by my ex-girlfriend during our relationship. I'll discuss 2 of the several.

The first time she assaulted me, we were kissing (which I initially consented to with hesitation) and at a certain point I pulled away. In short, she continued kissing me, I repeatedly pulled away every few moments, expressed discomfort, avoided eye contact, etc. This happened in a public area at night. She left after and I was alone. It's been 7 months since that happened and 2-3 months since I realized what she did was sexual assault. My mood has drastically been up and down since then, but for the most part, I've felt in many ways horrible. But I feel like I'm overreacting because in my mind, and what it may appear like to other people, I feel like "all she did" was kiss me. That it was something "small." I hate that I'm so affected by this. I felt stupid when I tried explaining what happened to a friend. I keep blaming myself and I feel so embarrassed that I "let" it happen. Is it normal to be so affected by something like this or am I overreacting?

In another separate incident, late at night, I was with my ex and her family (2 siblings and a parent). A man had been staring at me while me and my ex were in a restaurant. I was uncomfortable and on edge. This went on for several minutes before he took a picture of us. It freaked me out and I remember feeling angry, dissociating, about to cry, etc. I wish I had done something but the circumstances were a bit complicated at the time. As we walked out I remember so clearly not wanting to be touched at the moment. When me and my ex returned to her family's car she said nothing to me. While sitting in the car, I saw her stare at me for a few seconds and see that I wasn't okay, but then look away and converse casually with her family. She ignored me.

Once her parent began driving again and it was dark in the car, she asked to lay her head on my shoulder. It was the first thing she said to me after several minutes of not speaking to me. For the sake of "normalcy," I said yes. It felt like I was in a car full of strangers: I was alone while my ex had her family. There was no use in attracting all of their attention to me unless I wanted to feel more panicked. I didn't really think about saying no, unfortunately. I never felt like "no" was an option. She put her head on my shoulder, literally relaxing/resting while I was clearly not okay. The important part: she also began holding onto my arm and I think she was rubbing my arm up and down. I'm saying I think because I don't remember certain details well. It was something she did a lot. I know she was doing some motion of running her thumb back and forth. I feel like it doesn't sound like a lot, but when I remember it I feel very disgusted. She was doing this all while I was disassociating and trying not to cry. I didn't feel safe and couldn't stop thinking about the man even when the next day came: I was stuck in a stress response. It feels more accurate to say that she was "feeling me up." Of course, I know she wasn't feeling me up in the sense that she was touching my chest, groping me in other areas, but the way she was grabbing/touching my arm and the way it caused me to feel, makes it feel best represented to say that she "felt me up" I guess, as far as words go.

Now, at present, I feel on edge when I see the same restaurant, even if it's in a different town. I feel on edge when I'm in a car, especially in the backseat, and it's dark at night. I hate being in public. I don't even know how to describe it. I just feel distressed and I don't "function" normally when I'm in public. Smelling the same scent as her perfume makes me gag and feel gross. It's all really interfering with college and other aspects of my life. I've been working on finding help from a psychologist.

So I have a few questions. Is there any name for what my ex did regarding the second incident? I don't think any of it falls under sexual assault (correct me if I'm wrong), but I also don't know what else to call it. Can I do anything legal about it in California? I'm currently doing research and looking into possibly filing a police report (at least for the first incident), but I'd still appreciate it if anyone could offer legal advice. Does it even sound reasonable to file a report for the first incident I described? Any thoughts or advice are appreciated.

 

[Sideways]

Is there any name for what my ex did regarding the second incident? I don't think any of it falls under sexual assault (correct me if I'm wrong), but I also don't know what else to call it. Can I do anything legal about it in California? I'm currently doing research and looking into possibly filing a police report (at least for the first incident)

These are legal questions, and I’d personally recommend speaking to a person who has verifiable legal qualifications in California (rather than strangers across the globe who likely have no idea what how law in California applies to your situation).

Alternatively, you could reach out to sexual assault support organisations in California and talk to them.

With these sorts of things, bad advice is often even more harmful than no advice.

Any thoughts or advice are appreciated.

Do you have a personal history of trauma? That isn’t me suggesting what you experienced isn’t a big deal - just that it sounds like there’s a context to these incidents that might be relevant. The fact that you’ve come here, to a PTSD support forum, is often indicative that the person has a history of trauma in their past.

If that’s the case, your response is totally normal. And problematically, will probably keep happening in intimate relationships for you until you are able to process the traumatic associations that are driving this fear response in you.

When there’s a history of trauma, our big, distressing reactions to things happening now are all tied up in things that happened to us in the past. We get treatment for what happened in the past, so that it doesn’t interfere with our present (not so you don’t get distressed by these things, but so that saying “No thanks” when you want to is as comfortable for you as anyone else).

If you don’t have a history of trauma, is there other relevant context? Other psychosocial stressors, mental health stressors, experiences, etc?

 

[Lost in the Woods]

In a past life I practiced law in California. I would not recommend filing a police report as no good will come out of it and the run around may trigger or otherwise frustrate you. First off the delay in reporting is a problem because it will appear not serious enough since you did not file a report right away. Second, it is a he said she said situation and no physical harm resulted. I doubt anyone would prosecute the case.

On the second one it sounds like she may have been trying to comfort you since she knew you were a little out of it. When we are not 100% we often misunderstand peoples motives and actions.

 

[anon.co]

On the second one it sounds like she may have been trying to comfort you since she knew you were a little out of it. When we are not 100% we often misunderstand peoples motives and actions.

I thought that too. But then a mutual friend of ours, who I told this to, discussed it with my ex. My ex, in her words, told this friend that I was acting "normally"—I seemed "shy," but she thought I was 100% fine and she felt 100% fine. Writing this now, I can recall telling her I wasn't okay before she ignored me for several minutes after.

 

[Friday]

Someone laid their head on your shoulder… that isn’t sexual assault, even if it’s a stranger on a plane, in international waters. Much less someone you’re IN a relationship with, headed home in a car full of people after a family dinner.

Someone …that you’re IN a relationship with… kissed you & stopped/left, when you indicated you were uncomfortable and didn’t want to be kissing, anymore. Even though you kissed them, back, in the beginning. AKA, you called halt, and they halted. So they absolutely respected you, and your wishes.

No.

Neither of these sound like they’re in the same universe of sexual assault.

To consider either of these two things sexual assault? YES. I would say you’re not only overreacting, but overreacting in the extreme.

 

[anon.co]

Someone laid their head on your shoulder… that isn’t sexual assault

I'm aware. I just had a problem with the way she was rubbing/touching my arm, which I don't believe is sexual assault either (as I said in my original post). But it's also not really a fond memory, so I didn't know what to call it: I'd agree I was likely overreacting.

Someone …that you’re IN a relationship with… kissed you & stopped/left, when you indicated you were uncomfortable and didn’t want to be kissing, anymore. Even though you kissed them, back, in the beginning. AKA, you called halt, and they halted.

She did not stop. After verbally expressing discomfort and with each time I'd pull away, she'd continue kissing me anyways. sorry I didn't make that clear. I couldn't just walk away because I felt frozen after some point and because she was holding onto me. As for her leaving, she left after doing this to me for some time.

 

[Applecore]

I'm aware. I just had a problem with the way she was rubbing/touching my arm, which I don't believe is sexual assault either (as I said in my original post). But it's also not really a fond memory, so I didn't know what to call it: I'd agree I was likely overreacting.

She did not stop. After verbally expressing discomfort and with each time I'd pull away, she'd continue kissing me anyways. sorry I didn't make that clear. I couldn't just walk away because I felt frozen after some point and because she was holding onto me. As for her leaving, she left after doing this to me for some time.

It's not assault. As a young man I was pinned down on my bed by my long term girlfriend. She was pinning down my arms and making a joke about my mother having sex with my abuser. I told her to stop and she continued. She thought it would be funny to grind and pelvic thrust me, as she continued to mimic them having sex while humping me, and taunting me about it. Unpleasant, and not assault.

Being restrained and humiliated against my consent was unbearable. Finally, as I was bigger than her, even though my arms were restrained I was pinned down by her body weight I threw her off me. That caused her to land on the stereo on the floor next to my bed, which hurt. She said I had done that deliberately and she accused me of mistreating her and then stormed off in a huff. A few weeks later I ended the relationship. We can find things unpleasant and that's enough, we don't have to call it assault for us to have a reason not to like it.

Now when I was standing at a bus stop as a teenager and a man walking past grabbed my privates - that was assault, as defined by criminal law.

May I check just for clarity of the situation in my mind: how old are you, and are you male or female?

 

[anon.co]

As a young man I was pinned down on my bed by my long term girlfriend. She was pinning down my arms and making a joke about my mother having sex with my abuser. I told her to stop and she continued. She thought it would be funny to grind and pelvic thrust me, as she continued to mimic them having sex while humping me, and taunting me about it. Unpleasant, and not assault.

Being restrained and humiliated against my consent was unbearable.

A sexual act, in any form between any person, committed without consent or affirmative consent is considered sexual assault. At least in my country/state. Regardless of the law, I have to admit that it sounds like you're describing sexual assault. I'd also add that just because it happened while you two were in a relationship, it does not change the nature of what she did. In fact, sources say more than 90% of victims of sexual violence know the perpetrator in some form (family/friend/romantic partner). About 7% of victims are strangers to the perp. Either way, I'm sorry she did that. That's horrible. I do appreciate this point: "We can find things unpleasant and that's enough, we don't have to call it assault for us to have a reason not to like it."

May I check just for clarity of the situation in my mind: how old are you, and are you male or female?

All I can say is that I am not older than 20. Thanks for replying, by the way. I really appreciate your perspective.

 

[Applecore]

A sexual act, in any form between any person, committed without consent or affirmative consent is considered sexual assault. At least in my country/state. Regardless of the law, I have to admit that it sounds like you're describing sexual assault. I'd also add that just because it happened while you two were in a relationship, it does not change the nature of what she did. In fact, sources say more than 90% of victims of sexual violence know the perpetrator in some form (family/friend/romantic partner). About 7% of victims are strangers to the perp. Either way, I'm sorry she did that. That's horrible. I do appreciate this point: "We can find things unpleasant and that's enough, we don't have to call it assault for us to have a reason not to like it."

All I can say is that I am not older than 20. Thanks for replying, by the way. I really appreciate your perspective.

"A sexual act, in any form between any person, committed without consent or affirmative consent is considered sexual assault."

Not in a court of law if their definition of a "sexual act" differs from ours. My girlfriend humping me as a joke is not legally defined as the crime of sexual assault. Nor is it healthy for me to describe myself as a victim of her sexual assault.

We're way better off understanding and communicating our feelings about such matters as a first step. This includes, exploring what may be our hidden feelings about them, feelings that are buried deeper inside us. It also includes why we perceive them in a certain way.

As it happens, my girlfriend during that incident did not know that I had previously been criminally sexually assaulted by a woman when I was underage. It was only years later that I realised that was why it made me feel particularly uncomfortable.

 

[Movingforward10]

To me the two events are different.
Someone kissing you when you're pulling away and they don't care to notice your reaction is something to note. Whether that's sexual assault, I don't know but they didn't pick up on your pulling away which suggests your wellbeing wasn't a priority for them .

The second one reads to me that you were triggered by the man who behaved in a seeming hostile and unsafe way, and brought that trigger into her behaviour, which then made her seem unsafe. Stroking someone's arm can very much be seen as a sign of affection. And I read it as, she may have picked up that something was off but didn't know how to respond to you?

Do you have prior history of sexual trauma? Your reactions make me think that you do, because these are things my mind would jump to when I am triggered.

 

[anon.co]

To me the two events are different.
Someone kissing you when you're pulling away and they don't care to notice your reaction is something to note. Whether that's sexual assault, I don't know but they didn't pick up on your pulling away which suggests your wellbeing wasn't a priority for them.

I'm unable to edit the original post, but I wanted to add that I also verbally expressed being uncomfortable. If that changes anything.

The second one reads to me that you were triggered by the man who behaved in a seeming hostile and unsafe way, and brought that trigger into her behaviour, which then made her seem unsafe. Stroking someone's arm can very much be seen as a sign of affection. And I read it as, she may have picked up that something was off but didn't know how to respond to you?

I thought that as well: she may have been trying to comfort me or just be affectionate. Something I replied to another user: "But then a mutual friend of ours, who I told this to, discussed it with my ex. My ex, in her words, told this friend that I was acting 'normally'—I seemed 'shy,' but she thought I was 100% fine and she felt 100% fine. Writing this now, I can recall telling her I wasn't okay before she ignored me for several minutes after." So I do not believe she did this to comfort me.

Do you have prior history of sexual trauma? Your reactions make me think that you do, because these are things my mind would jump to when I am triggered.

I do have trauma, but no prior history of sexual trauma specifically.

 

[Movingforward10]

If you have pulled away and expressed being uncomfortable and someone stills kisses you, then yes, that's assault in my opinion . it's someone not responding to your ques.

The second incident I still don't see as assault. Because you telling her you're not okay can mean so many things. To me it still feels like you were triggered and felt unsafe and she became unsafe.


It might be worth exploring your previous trauma as if you have been unsafe before , when we are triggered, it can make us bring that sense of being unsafe into situations now that are safe but we don't feel it. Our whole reality changes and it becomes incredibly confusing. Because we feel the unsafe feelings so intensely in the moment, it makes us think that someone is unsafe now. But they are not. I've felt that with my partner, my neighbours random people in the street. Because I have been triggered. Triggered by something they did but not because what they did was unsafe or wrong, but just because it was a trigger for me.