Relationship Am I Pushing To Hard

[mr58]

New here and to PTSD..I've been casually dating a combat solider who's gone through alot of inpatient rehab since november and just came home, saw him last week...when he left he said he'd hit me up in a few...this is a common thing he says and sometimes doesn't do and sometimes does. I haven't heard from him in 8 days which is a long time for him when he's home and I know it could be a million different things( I know he might be away with an IOP obligation). I've texted him a few times about soccer games if he can is around to come to, or asking if everything is ok, that I'm worried about him and want to hang out again soon and one email about how I am understanding if he needs space just want him to tell me first if possible. He has told me if he ever was going to go ghost/break up he'd tell me first. So question is how to you find the balance between backing off and asking them if there ok? Do some like texts that show your always still thinking of them, although I try not to send to many over a time frame and he never has told me its annoying or anything so I'm not sure. Anyways thanks

 

[Sighs]

He has told me if he ever was going to go ghost/break up he'd tell me first.

Sigh. Yeah. They say they will. But when the shit hits the fan they are overwhelmed and don't.

If you've made it clear that you are keen to see him when he is ready I would back right off. He'll either come back or he won't. Sorry - that sounds harsh - I know it can be hell waiting but honestly there is nothing you can do at this point.

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I agree with @Sighs. I would give him a little space, especially if you aren't sure what his boundaries are with it.

Everybody is going to have different tolerance levels. He may be Ok with the texting, but some sufferers find it stressful when they're isolating. Being aware of this is a good thing... A lot of supporters freak and start bombarding their partners, which makes them want to pull away more.

I would honestly talk to him about it when he comes back around and is having a good day. Honesty is always good. Just tell him you want to respect his needs and that it is fine with you whenever he needs space, but you just have to understand his boundaries with it.

For example, my vet and I have a system all worked out for it because he isolates as a coping mechanism. He has to give me a heads up, and not just vanish, and I need to respect his request (barring dire emergencies... That's a recent addition. After a vehicle issue, he decided he would at least like to know if there is a crisis and have the option of weighing in if he wanted to). I'm not to text, call, show up, etc. He in return shoots me a text periodically that he is alive. I agreed not to respond to the "I'm alive" texts. When he's ready to talk, he starts a conversation, then it's my cue to resume business as usual. I also have a limit. I'm not sitting around waiting on him for ages if he won't talk to me. I can also send things to his Facebook inbox for shits and giggles, with the understanding that he won't check it until he is ready. He understands that this makes me feel a little closer to him.

It may seem cold, but it works. The important think is, if you SAY you're fine with giving him space, you really HAVE to be OK with it. If you're not good with it, it's not going to work.

 

[mr58]

I agree with @Sighs. I would give him a little space, especially if you aren't su...

thanks! this helped!
I'm perfectly fine with giving him space, sometimes we go 4 or 5 days without talking and it's no problem for either of us I don't need to speak with him everyday. Even when I don't know he is isolating (if that's what he's doing) I don't try to send to many texts and the content is always about my plans if he can come, if he's ok cause I'm worried about him or that I want to see him again soon, but when I don't know he's away I send more than I should..it's like my self-control disappears haha.... I never say it makes me angry or upset, I'm always patient, kind, and loving and showing him I want his company in my texts. I'm more worried because he has not read my email yet either, usually he reads these (but like I said he could be away with military things or IOP as he is still active duty). I think he will tell me if he plans to never see me again, because there's so many times where he could of done this already and hasn't. Of the ten months I've known him he's been in inpatient rehab for 5 of them and managed to attempt to stay in touch always. Mostly I'm worried about not knowing whether or not he's alive that's what scares me. Most people say I should give him up, but I am head over heels in love with him..I'm a pretty introverted person and he's the only person who's company I never got tired of or was never socially exhausting to me.....I literally could just lay in silence with him and be completely happy. But these forums are helpful. Thanks!

 

[prayerwarrior]

my combat vet told me I needed to contact him, to text or call, because he doesn't reach out. he has to write himself notes to call family every week, or he won't call. I don't text every day, but usually every few days, I will text him, asking how he's doing, if it's a good day or not. He went into an isolation phase towards the end of march, coming out of it in late april. He's in counseling, and that seems to be helping. He has even started reaching out to me on his own initiative, which is incredibly cool to me. :-)