Am I Really Selfish?

[J_trustno1]

I gave my wages from the age of 12 to 14. I didn't save anything from that money. It was when I was forced to work at her narcissistic brother's restaurant. I save money from age 14 to 17 when I worked at supermarket because I was saving up to buy a computer and to save for my university fees. Note: I paid for my expenses even then because I didn't want to be dependent.

I am not asking for free housing here people! !! I couldn't help for last couple of months because of my medical testing and medical costs. However, I did NOT ask anyone to pay for my other expenses and I have been paying for all things I could afford. I am NOT a free loader if that's what all of you are thinking of.

Lastly, I didn't earn $20,000 by selling drugs or smuggling if that is what was coming in your minds!! I saved this money over three years working my weekends during school days and working extra shifts in school holodays/Christmas /Easter holidays.

I am SORRY if asking a question on this forum is a crime. I only wrote what I felt and hadn't done anything yet but people here are jumping into conclusions. I'm pretty sure that I'll be banned again like last year September for asking a question.

Thank you all for so much help , I rest my case.

 

[risingsun]

You are absolutely not selfish! You have been the victim of child labor and yet you have still given back and not just in terms of money but general support all around, especially to your mom despite things she has done.....why because you love her. People don't realize that child labor is a lot different than doing chores around the house as a kid and not getting paid.

If anyone is selfish in this situation its your brother who obviously knows that his mother and his sister are struggling and is too busy being a party boy.

Is your brother serious? He is letting both of you suffer when he has the means to be helpful. You have been helping out as much as you can even without a job and having to pay all those medical bills. The one who should feel guilty is your brother not you.

JT1, do not allow anyone make you feel guilty when you are doing the best you can while still trying to ensure that you have the funds to be able to make it on your own and to follow your dreams, dreams that you are entitled to . . . . to have a life of your own free of guilt and abuse. You are desiring to build a life for yourself and your intention is not to hurt anyone in that process, especially your mother. There is nothing wrong with that.

As for some of the responses you have received here, I am truly sorry. You were really seeking words of support and yet you received words of judgment and attack. I mean you are already feeling enough guilt from members of your family and from your own self and for anyone here to add to that guilt is highly unacceptable at this point.

This is a forum for support of those with post traumatic stress disorder. No one should be adding to your stress and it shouldn't be tolerated on this forum.


Remember, “All cruel people describe themselves as paragons of frankness.”
― Tennessee Williams

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@risingsun,
Venture out of chat a bit more often and you'll see this isn't a place where people are coddled.

 

[sun seeker]

@J_trustno1, I know you are feeling attacked, angry and confused. I don't have a lot to say but there are a few things you might find helpful. Please take it in the spirit of well-intended advice and not as criticism, okay?

First, no one can tell you what you should do or exactly what is fair in this situation. That's something you will need to decide. It's a situation with lots of shades of grey. If you came to us with a black-and white situation like, say, someone who is currently being beaten by their partner and wonders if they should leave, you'd find a consensus. In a situation like you are describing there just isn't that clear an answer and you're going to get a variety of opinions. I'm not going to confuse the issue further by giving you mine. (I don't have one anyway. If I did, I might be better at solving the complicated problems in my own life.)

What I will suggest to you is that before too much more time passes, you sit down with your mother and clarify what each of you is expecting. I agree with @Eleanor, it sounds like the boundaries in your family are very confused. This is a recipe for a situation that gets more and more tangled up and confused and where resentment grows on both sides unless you can talk about it and get clear on your own and each other's expectations. This isn't a criticism, it's an observation I can make because my family has similarly confused boundaries and poor communication and the longer you go not defining them, the worse it gets. I think you need to spend some time first asking yourself what feels right to you - not to any of us - and then once you are clear on that, finding a time to talk to your mother and see what she thinks.

The other suggestion is in the future if you want advice, you might need to choose the title of your threads more carefully. When people see the question "am I being selfish?" some will respond directly to that question. If you know you can't handle a certain answer, don't invite it. If instead you called the thread something like "Confusing Situation at Home, Need Opinions" you aren't leaving the door open so much for people to say what you don't want to hear.

Come to think of it, I have one more suggestion. It's that you put the ethics of this situation aside for the time being and just help with the mortgage payment for this month. Right and wrong aside, unless your mother has another way of getting the money, not making the payment affects both of you. It might be a time to make the most practical decision and work out the rest later. Good luck, and I hope you're feeling better. :)

 

[J_trustno1]

@sun seeker: Thanks for writing on my thread. I have alread made a payment 2 hours ago. I only came here to ask because my head was cluttered with so many thoughts that were driving me crazy. I am very sensitive when certain people vaguely judge me without knowing me and it is a trait of one of my prime abusers. Some of the blunt statements do send me back my 12 year old self where I start feeling the scapegoat of the family again.

Once again, I really appreciate your advice.

 

[Justmehere]

@J_trustno1 -

Lastly, I didn't earn $20,000 by selling drugs or smuggling if that is what was coming in your minds!! I saved this money over three years working my weekends during school days and working extra shifts in school holodays/Christmas /Easter holidays.

I am SORRY if asking a question on this forum is a crime. I only wrote what I felt and hadn't done anything yet but people here are jumping into conclusions. I'm pretty sure that I'll be banned again like last year September for asking a question.

Thank you all for so much help , I rest my case.

No one accused you of being a free loader, or a drug dealer, or a criminal, or anything that you need to defend or build a "case" about. Stop trying to read our minds. Well, you can go ahead and continue trying to read what is on everyone's minds, but I don't think it will get you where you want to go, and it will cloud your ability to actually know what is actually being communicated to you.

I know you feel like you are a horrible person, and I think you may be projecting that on to others here. I don't see that anyone on this thread has communicated to you that you are a horrible person at all. Quite the opposite.

I'm trying to point this out to you because I care about you and I do not think you are any of those things. You are a bright and intelligent woman who has been through hell and continues to deal with a lot of garbage from her family. I couldn't do it. I admire you for how long you have managed to deal with them and for how well you have dealt with it all. You have a tough road ahead of you to figure out a path to deal with them while you live with them. You have good reason to be angry for the situation you are in. I suggest you go back and re-read everything that has been written to you with the idea in mind that people here really care about you and are not judging you like you are judging you or like your family does.

I think people are much more supportive of you than you realize. You are the scapegoat in your family. Not here. They may blame you for everything and anything, but folks here do not. I do not.

I am the scapegoat of my own family. It sucks. My brother can do nothing wrong, while I am the black sheep of my family. It is really painful. My feedback comes from years of pulling myself out of that role of being the scapegoat. It is hellish to be in.

 

[moonbeam]

Woah woah woah deep breaths! I'm not judging you, or thinking you are a freeloader or a drug dealer or anything else along those lines. I didn't mean to imply it make you feel like I was.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of pride in what you've accomplished, good for you! There is nothing wrong with wanting to be independent or feeling frustrated that your family doesn't have the same drive.

I gave you the best advice I have. Its between you and your mom leave out everyone else. And try moving out or establishing a contract for rent so this situation doesn't come up again and if so you can then say "I'm already paying my share" and tell the guilt trippers to go away. As my mother said basically my entire life "fair is a weather condition not a condition of life."

And as aside in the future you might consider posting with a statement like "I am frustrated and want to be heard" instead of asking "what should I do?"

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am very sensitive when certain people vaguely judge me without knowing me

Well if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black! Uhm, re-read your reply to me.....how many judgments did you make about me? Yeah, that's what I thought! I NEVER mentioned anything to you EVER about my rent situation but you apparently have an air of superiority about you where you think that people on disability are freeloaders who don't pay for anything. (How's THAT for assumptions!?!)

We only respond based on what we are told. You CLEARLY stated that you do not currently pay rent, but then get offended when we tell you to pony up the funds. Uhm, that would be miscommunication on your part, not a fault of responders making up facts and assuming things about you.

You clearly want to be a victim in this world. You have a VERY strong victim mentality. You think the world should be fair when it is anything but. After a year of hearing you whine about how nothing in your life is fair, YES, I felt the need to call you out on it. I don't see anyone else on this forum who does the same thing, at least not for years on end. You really are your own worst enemy in all of this because you refuse to accept things for what they are and instead want to blame everyone else around you. You blame your mother, you blame your brother, you blame your abusers. Yeah, OK, so these people have done you wrong. But you continue to let them victimize you by your inability to move forward.

I honestly don't think that anyone can help you since you are so intent on being a victim in all of this. I hope that one day you can break through this victim mentality, but until then, you will be a prisoner in your own little constructed world.

And yes, your victim mentality does indeed shine through on the forum. You run around claiming that people are harsh and attacking you, when that's not the case AT ALL. You gave us a question, but only wanted one answer, that being no, you're not selfish. When people actually state their opinion, you take it as an attack so that you can further solidify your position as victim in this world.

So I ask you, what are you afraid of? Why are you SO intent on seeing yourself as a victim?

 

[Eleanor]

@J_trustno1

Take a look at this... It makes many things come clear, or at least it has for me and A LOT of people I know...

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