Am I Too Dependent On My Therapist?

[TimeToHeal]

@It's all my fault - I TOTALLY understand!

Therapy is not exactly "fun," but as soon as I leave, I'm counting down the days until I can go back.

We actually just started EMDR last week. It really threw me for a loop! Yet for some bizarre reason, I can't wait to do it again! That sounds nuts! I saw her today in fact, and under her advice, we decided not to do EMDR until next time, and just talked the whole session.

It's like I'm obsessed with this whole PTSD and therapy thing. Maybe it's the whole "instant gratification" thing? I know I'm a bit of a perfectionist....could that be it??

@bluedressinggown - I too, would be devastated if my therapist canceled on me at the last minute -- genuine reason or not.

I don't know about you guys, but I don't have anyone in my life who I dare share, or talk to about anything "big". Although I do have a wonderful and supportive partner.....I don't even talk to her about things. I have tried in the past and didn't get a good reaction/response, so I cut that out pretty quickly. I think she just doesn't "get it," and so doesn't know how to respond appropriately.

Maybe it's just that we hold so much inside all the time, we crave a safe place/person who understand us? I don't know....

I'm soooo glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Very reassuring....

 

[Still waiting]

Our connections to our T's is quite normal for our situations. Safety, comfort, peace...things opposite of our trauma. If your T is good; they will understand.

 

[joeylittle]

@PureDogs , I just wanted to share that it took me a few months just to tell my therapist that I needed help with my trauma. I went to him because of my depression; I am not safe when I'm not working with someone. I am fortunate that he's a specialist; or lucky that my psych. knew a good recommendation for me without me knowing yet it was what we would be doing.

But when we started the trauma work, I lied about the extent of what happened to me. I thought we could work on part of it, and that would shore me up enough. I was too afraid to trust him with the full story for another three months. I finally just couldn't avoid it. But it took altogether about half a year for me to tell him what happened to me. I've never told it to anyone before.

And @TimeToHeal , since he is the only one who knows, I end up worrying too that I am dependent on him. But I react in the other direction; I am afraid to ask for help except for when I'm deeply in crisis. He tries to re-assure me that it is helpful and good when I reach out inbetween sessions if I am struggling, that it is his job and he is happy to do it, but I am still afraid he will decide I'm too hard to work with.

You should talk with your therapist about it. It sounds like she is really great, and it will feel strange at first, but you'll probably feel better. When I became convinced my therapist doubted what happened to me (because of some questions he asked), I had to bring it up; I wasn't going to be able to move past it. And it was so strange to ask him what his actual thoughts were. But it made things better. Not the same as your situation, but just encouragement that you can also talk about this with her.

 

[TimeToHeal]

@joeylittle -- Thank you for your encouragement. I am glad that you were finally able to trust your therapist enough to open up to him and tell him your long hidden secrets....scary as it must have been.

I have tried, a little, to tell her how I feel dependent on her....but probably not the full extent. She was however, reassuring and said that we would go through this difficult time together. That did make me feel a little better.

It's just hard I guess, feeling like I need someone so much. It makes me feel a little vulnerable, and I hate that feeling. It does make me feel a little better to know I'm not the only one who feels this way!

Thank you all for your kind words and for sharing your stories! :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok so I'm going to take the opposite stance here and warn you about becoming too attached. It's important to keep things in perspective. You pay her for her services, and these services may be terminated at any time---death, illness, moving across the country, etc. in this regard it's not like a normal relationship that has the possibility continuing if circumstances change.

I think it's VERY important for a therapist to foster a sense of independence and self-sufficiency in their clients. If you are in daily communication with your therapist, she isn't giving you the chance to practice your coping skills. I really do see this as a huge issue because there will come a day when the therapist is unavailable--- then what? I've seen more than a few posts from people who do the same as you in terms of frequent email, and when the therapist stops responding (for whatever reason), the client freaks out.

And, if she isn't letting you practice these coping skills, how are you going to get through processing? Coping skills are an essential must- have for processing.

I am lucky in that I never had to trust a therapist. This may sound confusing, but I put my trust in the process (neurofeedback, intensive trauma therapy, etc). I guess I say this just to show that having a great relationship with a therapist isn't necessary to healing. (Yes, my relationship issues are getting better without this bond, so no, it isn't necessary to bond with a therapist in order to heal.)

Whew, I've said a lot.

 

[Justmehere]

My trauma therapist says clients will go through a phase where they are much more dependent on and need the therapist more. She says that the need for the therapist is a sign that the client is attaching to the therapist, and that the therapist is being attuned to the client. She said the need can feel very huge, tremendous, and even like it is "life sustaining" really. (She explained more of the reason why it can feel this way but I'm not sure I can re-explain it myself so I won't attempt to butcher her explaination here.)

But as far as the need being bad - my trauma therapist says it's not only not a bad thing, but it's sometimes a necessary phase for healing for some kinds of trauma. She tells me that it changes in time for people. (Well, she tries to reassure me of this whenever I get scared I'm going to need her too much.)

She says it becomes a problem when the therapist steps outside of their boundaries, or if the clients overall level of functioning gets worse and stays worse for a long time, or if it never shifts but she added that it can reasonably take a very long time to shift.

If your therapist has been doing this work for very long, it's likely she has very good boundaries and takes care of herself well (therapists who don't, tend to quit trauma work quickly do other kinds of therapy.) It sounds like it is helping you.

So I think it's ok. In time, you will both want to move on to being more independent... Like a kid growing up... and she should be helping you with skills for that.., my therapist says when that time comes, you will simply feel like you don't need her so much anymore and it won't be so hard.

This is what she tells me when I talk to her about the same kinda of fears I have.

It's 'easy' for me to see from the outside that no, your need isn't too much. Hard to hold onto it for myself.

There are other views... Attachment in therapy is something that can be powerful - and can be very painful if not handled well and without resourcing the client (helping the client be able to cope on their own too). Some believe that because of the potential downside, it's good to stay away from.

I've personally been all over the map and I'm trying the route of letting myself need my therapist as much as I do while also resourcing myself as much as possible too.

 

[Sally sue]

Wow! This is such a hard subject since many of us are so vulnerable...at least I know I am :) I have spent a lot of time thinking about and talking with my T about my dependency on her, but honestly, who else could I really talk to about these traumas?

I think it's human nature to want to talk about things with someone who gets it, is supportive, and can help guide you! After all, I was not prepared for these traumas nor having ptsd, I have no idea what I'm doing or how to get threw this on my own, I have no experience to guide me on how to support and heal myself... if I had these skills I probably wouldn't even have ptsd and I'd be going along with my own happy life :) but unfortunately, I didn't learn how to be compassionate with myself or healthy coping skills when I was young, and I learned that people you love are unsafe to tell your feelings to.

That hurts to say, but my point is, I think I'm dependent on my T because I need a guide, someone to teach me how to care for myself in a completely new and different healthy ways. And for this work she does, and who she is, I feel grateful, supported, and attached to her :) which sounds kind of a normal reaction, don't ya think? :))

 

[Jane.l]

I am very attached and dependant on my T and I have got myself in state trying to fight it - right now I am trying not to beat myself up about it , it's understandable he has got me through incredibly hard times and he is my rock - but it's horribly painful when things don't go right , a bad session , unreturned email whatever .

It's very hard to get the right balance but I do feel slowly we are coming to settle in a more steady relationship and we have talked about the relationship a lot and it really helps . I wouldn't waste time and energy trying to fight these feelings you have . Therapy is intense you are going to feel intense and worrying about it won't change that but a conversation with your T might help you understand it and it's also quite a relief to see that they are very comfortable and fine about it - somehow that stops me feeling like a crazed loon !

 

[TimeToHeal]

Whew, thank you all sooo much for responding and sharing! It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one who feels this way! I was beginning to think there was something (else) wrong with me for feeling so attached/dependent on my therapist.....so thank you guys for being so reassuring that it's just part of this process.

I'm definitely going to consider talking with her about it, although I'm not exactly sure I can say it out loud!

And @Solara -- I get where you are coming from also.

We actually do work a lot on my coping skills. Especially since beginning EMDR. We work on my developing a "plan" for good self care, self soothing techniques, grounding, etc. And I do practice these things between, and sometimes during, sessions.

Yes, I would currently be devastated if she were to pick up and move across the country. But I am hopeful that in time, maybe when I'm a bit further along in the process, that I won't "need" her so much. Although admittedly, that seems kind of scary at the moment!

I don't think I would be capable of doing this trauma work without a sense of care, commitment, and dare I say, trust. That is something I have actually discussed with her. I've had several therapists in the past "send me off," to some horrid residential/inpatient place -- places that it turns out actually did more harm than good -- or hand me off to the next therapist, once I began opening up about my past, as well as some of my more present symptoms. So yeah, that majorly exacerbated my abandonment issues, and most recently, led to my giving up on therapy therapy for about 5 years. So it took a lot for me to take a chance on another therapist. I feel very lucky and grateful to have found her, and she has expressed a commitment, of sorts, to sticking with me through this process. I am not however, totally naive, and realize that everyone will let us down at some point, in some way.

Anyways, I'll stop rambling, but thank you all again for your responses! I hope you all have a good and stable day! :)

 

[Jane.l]

Use email if it's too awkward to say out loud - I often start 'discussions ' that way but I think from what you have said you are on the right path and it's working well for you . That's a really good thing .

 

[bluedressinggown]

My therapist didnt turn up last night. My appointment was at 5pm. I waited in the waiting room until 5.50pm with the receptionist also non the wiser. I text to find out where he was. Eventually at about 6.30 he text to say he was on holiday. Apparently he had arranged that with me the week before. He was very apologetic.

But I'm not sure if he did arrange it, or if in fact I have forgotten it through dissociation which is apparently worse than I thought. I have no memory of him saying he was on holiday. And he had given me work to do to prepare to talk about really hard stuff- so I had been dreading and nervous for the session all week. Urgh.

 

[joeylittle]

@bluedressinggown , an old therapist of mine did that to me once. I remember how anxious I was for the appt. and how awful I felt. I just wanted to say I'm sorry - it's a terrible, terrible feeling.