Am I Weak If I Take The Pill

[Nighthawk]

Well I believe I have lost the fight once more look at all those strong words above, something I am not. Thought I was back guess I was not. Starting again I guess the only benefit is we kind of know the dose I need to be on. Will I ever be who I was just a mere 6 months ago, coping with PTSD. Will I ever cope again? I know roller coaster. I wanted off. Geez please stop the ride I want off. Panic has gone thru the roof, lack of sleep and other stuff all swarming back in. I will miss the things I lose to Anti D's I will attempt this goal again in the future. Preferably not just as I am starting to feel a bit stable.

Please kids do not try this at home. I should have a warning label all of my own. Profound sadness at loosing this one. I let myself down again. Just not strong enough. I just realized there is no sad face.... random. My life leads one way... I am trying to climb trying to reach the air.

NH

 

[intothelight]

Hi NH,

Well I believe I have lost the fight once more look at all those strong words above, something I am not.

You didn't lose the fight and you are still very strong. Sometimes strength lies in seeing a set back and utilizing whatever means necessary to get back on track. Your still fighting!

Sometimes we may not win a battle, but we will win the war against this thing.

(((hugs)))

Debbie

 

[Iam]

NightHawlk...it is NOT weak to go back obn your meds. We have chemistry imbalances in our brains. With some of us that imbalance is so severe that we cannot get by without the medication. It is no different than a diabetic, are they weak for needing insulin?

 

[anni]

Your posts are still longer, more processed than they were in the 'old days', really. Please do not be frustrated-I don't mean to say 'Gosh, you're not all that bad' because that's not it at all. I just think Thank Goodness you can at least come tell us about it, you know? It's not a lot, but for me sometimes it's my little string. I don't even know what it's attached to, but it's there. I won't add to your present sadness with my own dreck- I'm just sort of explaining here. I know I sometimes sound contained at the moment. It's the way I HAVE to function. I'm actually in some appaling pain-no secret there. At 2, 3, am, coming here when the pain decides to mix up in my head with all the PTSD crap, well, it's just something, that's all. By 4, morning is happening and it feels better, a bit. I've had to go off the Zoloft until this is over, too, because am on too many other things so rats. I'm having to step back, process and re-process every word at the moment hopefully consciously and hope like h*ll it's still making sense, you know? No idea if I'm doing ok with it, either- just can't tell. At least here I can try, not feel awful all the time and know I'm not a Kook for any of this. At 2 am, even lurking as a guest it's a whole lot at the moment.

I just said I did not wish to make this about me and then did, so SO sorry. There's a point, though, which might or might not be helpful. I could probably have said it a whole lot more briefly, too so please excuse that also, NH. You're strong enough not to have taken this trip alone, however you perceive the words you've written, plus trusting enough to come here. It's pretty far from where things used to be, that's all.

Hmm. I see I spelled appaling incorrectly and can't get the spelling thing to work on my comp, which is making me insane. Noone tell my mother, since I strongly suspect she'd rather find one of her children drunk in a ditch rather than a bad speller.

Take care NH- sorry if I'm not very helpful, but please know I do care.

 

[Nighthawk]

Anni,
Got to say I followed that every step of the way.;) Imagine that

Thanks
NH

 

[Nighthawk]

I just got a reminder call that I have an appointment on Monday with the P should I wait to go back on the meds? he told me to go back on 3 weeks ago and I fought it. Now I have an appointment on Monday. There is a big pit in my stomach feel sick.

 

[Iam]

No don't wait....go back on them now. In fact you already did right? If so ...GOOD FOR YOU!

 

[Nighthawk]

Well Meds have kicked in
Is it posible theat I am having issues with the question of who am I. The meds sure do make the world a bit brighter. Not quit sure who I am or were I am traveling but I will travel this path for a while. Did I just lose it did I just go away how long was I gone for? Or the bigger question is who is here now? So how confused do I really sound?

NH

 

[KP the nut]

We are all with you on your journey.
Small steps, an hour at a time.
(((HUGS)))
KP

 

[intothelight]

Hi NH,

You do not sound confused at all. This seems to be what a lot of people struggle with, especially when making progress. Heck, my whole diary has a section devoted to this same question the past few weeks.

I am so glad you are feeling better and when the world seems brighter, I think we just want to figure out our place in it. It is a good journey since it gives us our bearings. Also, maybe it is a chance to be "who we want to be", instead of "who we were told we are". To me this is progress.

Thinking of you.
Deb

 

[deer_in_headlights]

(((((((((((NH))))))))))))

Wow, you sound just like me whenever I make or am on the verge of a good breakthrough.

There is this fear that if the pain or painful thinking, or trained conditioning from abusers/trauma is gone, then "who I am" will disappear, too.
Ts have been reassuring me over and over (they're so patient :) ) that the core, the essence, the true person is in there... that all the dreck is covering up the radiant, true self. Nothing will be lost except the old conditioning. None of the true essence is lost at all, that we won't be a vacant shell or have to reinvent ourselves from scratch. We're just dumping off an unbearable burden. The lightness feels strange, but it is certainly how we were meant to feel.

I'm grateful you're feeling better... I was going to say glad, but as my Ts say, when one of us is feeling better, it changes the world for the better!
Sending love,
Deer

 

[Nighthawk]

Deer, so well said I don't think I could have said it better. ITL and Deer thank you for letting me know I am who ever that maybe.