Am I Weak If I Take The Pill

[Srain]

The meds sure do make the world a bit brighter. Not quit sure who I am or were I am traveling but I will travel this path for a while. Did I just lose it did I just go away how long was I gone for? Or the bigger question is who is here now? So how confused do I really sound?

NH

I can sure relate to this as I have been on the med-merry-go-round for the past 10yrs. For years I refused all meds and took the therapy route, thought I was doing very well, and by my take I was. But when I cracked I had no choice and they loaded me down with a crap load of meds just to hit anything that moved in me. I was able to sleep, the blood went away, noises stopped, shaking stopped, cutting, etc. But things happened and meds cut out on me, changes in them, change of drs, I was distrustful of the field, withdrawals from medications were unbearable, side effects like nothing I had experienced. Soon I was in a world where I was treated like a sub-human and an object to be discussed about behind closed doors. I was furious and felt helpless, not a place I like to be. The term "non compliant" was tossed around which made my blood boil. I have since learned how to circumvent the system, thanks those who came before me.

What I've come to realize is that without proper sleep, and for me, I am simply unable to get it EVER without the help of medication, I must have help. As far as other medications, it's taken years and research to find the right dose and type of medication to treat specific issues I have. NO, I don't want to take medication but what I have also found is that they do not stop or change who I am, the PTSD does.

For years I wondered around not remembering much of anything either short term or long term. I was frustration and upset. I didn't feel like myself. When I would go off my medications I would end up a howling mess screaming at my loved ones, getting into it with the neighbors, at one point declaring several times I wanted a divorce and once I was going to live in the bathroom! I ended up in the hospital that time, only when I had stopped eating and certainly against my will. What I'm trying to say is that when the veil came down nothing had changed, I was still on the meds, I was still living in the same place, and the light came on ... there everything was in living colour for me to relive. I started feeling like myself and my new therapist was waiting for me to begin the work. I was ready to work I guess.

I don't feel like I'm gliding through anything, I feel the thorns but I have to have my 4hrs of sleep, more if possible or this isn't going to happen. I'll regress.

I do agree with others it's a very personal thing. I still think about ditching them all. I hate that my sleep clock is so different than those around me but if I don't go with it I'll be off and running - which could find me anywhere but where I need to be.

Rain

 

[Srain]

The meds sure do make the world a bit brighter. Not quit sure who I am or were I am traveling but I will travel this path for a while. Did I just lose it did I just go away how long was I gone for? Or the bigger question is who is here now? So how confused do I really sound?

NH

I can sure relate to this as I have been on the med-merry-go-round for the past 10yrs. For years I refused all meds and took the therapy route, thought I was doing very well, and by my take I was. But when I cracked I had no choice and they loaded me down with a crap load of meds just to hit anything that moved in me. I was able to sleep, the blood went away, noises stopped, shaking stopped, cutting, etc. But things happened and meds cut out on me, changes in them, change of drs, I was distrustful of the field, withdrawals from medications were unbearable, side effects like nothing I had experienced. Soon I was in a world where I was treated like a sub-human and an object to be discussed about behind closed doors. I was furious and felt helpless, not a place I like to be. The term "non compliant" was tossed around which made my blood boil. I have since learned how to circumvent the system, thanks those who came before me.

What I've come to realize is that without proper sleep, and for me, I am simply unable to get it EVER without the help of medication, I must have help. As far as other medications, it's taken years and research to find the right dose and type of medication to treat specific issues I have. NO, I don't want to take medication but what I have also found is that they do not stop or change who I am, the PTSD does.

For years I wondered around not remembering much of anything either short term or long term. I was frustration and upset. I didn't feel like myself. When I would go off my medications I would end up a howling mess screaming at my loved ones, getting into it with the neighbors, at one point declaring several times I wanted a divorce and once I was going to live in the bathroom! I ended up in the hospital that time, only when I had stopped eating and certainly against my will. What I'm trying to say is that when the veil came down nothing had changed, I was still on the meds, I was still living in the same place, and the light came on ... there everything was in living colour for me to relive. I started feeling like myself and my new therapist was waiting for me to begin the work. I was ready to work I guess.

I don't feel like I'm gliding through anything, I feel the thorns but I have to have my 4hrs of sleep, more if possible or this isn't going to happen. I'll regress.

I do agree with others it's a very personal thing. I still think about ditching them all. I hate that my sleep clock is so different than those around me but if I don't go with it I'll be off and running - which could find me anywhere but where I need to be.

After all my blah blah blah ....I want to say I think you are brave to be looking at this and trying to find what works for you. None of this is easy, NONE of it. I don't know how the meds work for you or what happens when you take them so I can't say what to do. Maybe this med isn't right for, there are others. I do know you have to have information and looking it up is always a good idea, talking with your dr is too. Anxiety about it is understandable as well. Maybe the dose is too large. I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for it to do but it does take 2-6wks for some of the ADs to work so that can be an issue as well. There are a lot of components involved. It's good to discuss. My thoughts are with you.

Rain

 

[Nighthawk]

Rain,
You said everything the way I am feeling and have gone thru. The withdrawal sucks and I do feel as though there is no good side but the pill side is the better side so I have too stay on.

Thanks
NH

 

[Nighthawk]

Back to the P today more than likely an adjustment in the meds.

NH

 

[anni]

Hi NH,

I so much love the avatar! I know zero about giraffes but have always thought things must look kind of nice from way up there.

I hope the adjustment does what you need it to. It's tough, I know. I'm finally off the Zoloft again but it's because the Topamax I have to take for migraine is also a mood stabilizer so just kind of lucky there-it happened to 'work' incidently.

I don't think you sound confused at all, just as if you're figuring an awful lot of things at the same time, that's all. Nobody's expecting the solutions will be there instantaneously-just good, healthy and so positive to be looking. Deer was so right, and said it so beautifully, didn't she? As always! :) I just had to go back and re-read that since it made me smile twice then. I can only say 'What she said' and wish I could verbalize as well for you. :)

All the best,

Anni

 

[Nighthawk]

Once again the meds seem to be the ones on the move up. Has anyone ever been on Perphenazine. I am rather nervous to add a new drug to the mx

NH

 

[Nighthawk]

I have chosen once again to try and STOP the meds. I feel like I am at confession:D. After dealing with pain that was out of control I have been detoxing from Zoloft for several weeks now. I really hope I do not cause myself a major fall over the cliffs edge, but I need some relief from the pain too. I just wish that it did not take weeks to get the help I need when I fall and weeks to get off. I just feel like I fight a constant losing battle. Being med free would be a huge accomplishment if I can manage to contain my mind and cope.
So to those of you that kind of know me on here I am asking for help witch is something I don't DO...... If you happen to see the spiral start please PM me and help me catch myself before I fall too far. I feel like I become blind to myself at times. I have no expectations of this help happening but figured I would throw it out there.:eek:
NH

 

[Iam]

It's brave and smart of you to ask for help NH ;o) I will let you know if I think I see it happening. Your T's will be able to help in this area too.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Your are brave and can do it. There are other things out there that can help, too. Do what you feel is right in your gut because you really know what is best for you in your own heart.

 

[anni]

It's awfully self aware, too, NH. I do hope it goes well for you. Are you stepping down slowly or going off things altogether? You might want to Google the side effects of withdrawal so you are aware of what's up when you
re experiencing something unfamiliar and do not become alarmed, you know? Meds are such a personal thing, and this is what feels right for you. We'll keep you company of course and please don't continue to keep reaching out if perhaps we've missed something.

I'm away for a day, but will be back Monday. If you want to chat and I don't see the little thing at the bottom of the screen again, PM me and it'll get my attention. :) I get really foggy sometimes.

All the best with this, and do take care,

Anni

 

[Nase]

I had similar feelings about my mother's decision to take and stay on medication. When she took her meds she was a normal mommy and when she was off them things were very hard on us kids.

I actually have been combating whether or not to take meds, and it's tied into not wanting to become my mother. I wonder if her abuse of the meds or the lack of being on proper meds exacerbated my PTSD. She was married to my abuser and had come from an abusive home herself. I finally have reached such a breaking point that I feel it is in the best interest of my children and husband that I don't keep trying be a "trooper" and get over it. Children don't need to see my in such a vulnerable state; human yes; a mess no. I believe honestly it's the intent behind the medication we that we can safely use for the decision. Be encouraged.