Childhood Am I wrong here?

[MusesTheDream]

Hello! This is my first time posting here :)
I'll cut right to the chase. When I was a kid I was blamed for everything, my cousins along with my brother would, I guess, bully me and sometimes I end up getting spanked and sometimes grounded..Now I'm not saying I was a perfect angel of a kid but some things I just did not do.

Now, when I get blamed for things, I can't help but to get angry and argumentative..even when they're joking. I have a lot of issues that followed me into adulthood that I might get into in other posts, but I want to understand if I'm just being an asshole? Or is there a deeper problem?

 

[Movingforward10]

It's a broad question, which makes it difficult to answer.

Who would be 'blaming' you now?
What does being angry and argumentative look like?
If you did do something that hurt someone or you made a mistake (which we all do as we are human), are you able to apologise or do you bring the past into it?
Bringing the past into your behaviour now isn't healthy. So potentially, if you're acting defensively because of the past, you might be impacting your relationships in a negative way.

 

[Weemie]

Now, when I get blamed for things

In my opinion people blaming you for stuff is different than accountability. Are you ever able to acknowledge when you've done something wrong? If you can't acknowledge this even to yourself, then the problem is that you aren't taking responsibility for your behavior. People aren't blaming you for stuff unfairly, they're pointing out that you don't own up to your mistakes.

But if you can, and I would expect you probably can since you made this post to begin with. Then there is a point where blame and shame are separate to accountability where the goal is to shame others and force them to comply with our desires.

Personally I have a hard boundary around language that is intended to blame, guilt trip or shame. I want to help you solve the problem. It's possible I caused the problem. Let's work on the problem and fix it. I don't need people firing off "you're a shit head you did this it's all your fault!!!" That doesn't help anything.

My mom is like you. Every time I get annoyed or have basic human reactions to stuff (most of which has nothing to do with her) she always freaks out and starts yammering about how she didn't do anything. I never said she did, but she assumes I'm automatically blaming her when I am not. That's a trigger.

 

[MusesTheDream]

It's a broad question, which makes it difficult to answer.

Who would be 'blaming' you now?
What does being angry and argumentative look like?
If you did do something that hurt someone or you made a mistake (which we all do as we are human), are you able to apologise or do you bring the past into it?
Bringing the past into your behaviour now isn't healthy. So potentially, if you're acting defensively because of the past, you might be impacting your relationships in a negative way.

I'm sorry I didn't get into depth. But to answer your question. I had to reread my post and I made a mistake ;/ I can take accountability if I ACTUALLY did what they said I did, as I said I wasn't the perfect kid and I'm still not perfect. My family does the 'blaming' as jokes nowadays, (mostly jokes, if I actually did something sometimes they hold it over my head the entire day) and I get seriously defensive because for some reason I can never tell if they're joking.
As an example, we'll be having a good time and then something randomly happens like the hamburgers burned because I didn't watch it and they're all so quick to blame me, and I'm like Huh? No one even told me to watch anything? Why are you blaming me for your mistakes? And it makes me sour too because they don't do this to anyone else and I'm always the butt of their lame joke. Always the scapegoat.
I try not to bring the past into it but it's like a weekly thing and I've asked them if they could stop it with those jokes because I just don't see them as jokes, but they don't listen. It's frustrating.

In my opinion people blaming you for stuff is different than accountability. Are you ever able to acknowledge when you've done something wrong? If you can't acknowledge this even to yourself, then the problem is that you aren't taking responsibility for your behavior. People aren't blaming you for stuff unfairly, they're pointing out that you don't own up to your mistakes.

But if you can, and I would expect you probably can since you made this post to begin with. Then there is a point where blame and shame are separate to accountability where the goal is to shame others and force them to comply with our desires.

Personally I have a hard boundary around language that is intended to blame, guilt trip or shame. I want to help you solve the problem. It's possible I caused the problem. Let's work on the problem and fix it. I don't need people firing off "you're a shit head you did this it's all your fault!!!" That doesn't help anything.

My mom is like you. Every time I get annoyed or have basic human reactions to stuff (most of which has nothing to do with her) she always freaks out and starts yammering about how she didn't do anything. I never said she did, but she assumes I'm automatically blaming her when I am not. That's a trigger.

To be honest, I don't think I'm anything like your mother lol, but I'm sorry that happened. I don't freak out or yell when they blame me for random things. I tried to set boundaries with them about it. But they seem to ignore it. Or they know, it's just 'funny' to them, and I don't get it.
I'm not mad about the past, we were kids at one point, and kid's are idiots. But it's getting old...

 

[Weemie]

I don't freak out or yell when they blame me for random things

What I meant with that wasn't so much about your outward reaction but rather that it's likely an emotional response caused by feeling triggered. Sounds like your family have been comfortable bullying you for years and your brain can't tell the difference because mockery is just another form of bullying.

 

[Movingforward10]

tried to set boundaries with them about it. But they seem to ignore it.

A really valuable thing I learnt about boundaires from people on here is that a boundary is something for us to maintain, not the other person. I did what you did. I explained what I didn't want the other person to do and then got upset (triggered, distressed) when they did it anyway.
It took me a long while to understand that, it for me not the other person to action. So, if they behave in a certain way: what do you want to do differently? Leave? Walk away? Explain why? Not seen them? Go no contact?

We can't make people change but we can change how we respond.

 

[Friday]

Now, when I get blamed for things, I can't help but to get angry and argumentative..even when they're joking. I have a lot of issues that followed me into adulthood that I might get into in other posts, but I want to understand if I'm just being an asshole? Or is there a deeper problem?

If you’re responding to the present as if it’s the past? Then, yes. You’re probably wrong. As you’re not responding to what’s actually happening. That can mean BOTH over & underreacting.

It’s like if you ask someone a 1-10 question & they reply with a fruit.

 

[Movingforward10]

It’s like if you ask someone a 1-10 question & they reply with a fruit.

This made me chuckle! So many times I have responded with a fruit.

 

[Weemie]

she always freaks out and starts yammering about how she didn't do

I should add I used the wrong word here, I meant to say stammering. Yammering definitely has a less respectful connotation