Am I Wrong?

[Fadeaway]

I am so upset but this it is hard for me to properly communicate.

@The Albatross, really? Because I wasn't nearly afraid as I am now. I am more fearful than ever. Why? Because she basically told me this was going to happen and that my corpse could pick up the phone. She drove me into a panic attack. Sorry. And how is that a maladaptive fear pattern when it is based on reality. The memories of being sick as a child and no one coming. Being kept with no phone and no car in one of the most isolated parts of the west coast of the U.S. And then of course my own self isolation. No, she took something that was a a fear, into something that has become an obsessive fear.

I want to talk to her about the problem having been forced isolated as a child ("home schooled" and kept in a secrete area of the house so have my level of human contact as a small kid, never learned how to socialize or make friends as a kid, so then I got got together with a man who kept me isolated, and I can't seem to break the cycle.) I am afraid of it continuing through out the rest of my life and I want tools so that I can feel like I am working on changing that. I NEED TO FEEL like I am doing something to change it.) But no, I am not allowed to talk about it.

I am not aloud to get any advice on how to handle anything.

I am not allowed to talk about my feelings.

I have tried to talk about so many subjects with her that I feel like I am a shaken soda can about ready to bust with the need to talk to someone about it.

I tried to bring up the fact that I still feel homesick after 2 1/2 years. Tried to get a feel for whether it was normal or not and just felt the need to express it. Nope, she changed the subject on me.

Everything thing is Later Later Later. Well what the hell can I talk about? I haven't been about to calm down yet.

When can I tell her that I have experienced trauma? When?

It wouldn't be so bad if I could get into see someone else. I was so excited to finally get into see someone. Which is why I think I feel more disappointment than I should.

I want to stop being so upset over this and I don't know how.

 

[Born to Run]

Do not let yourself be re-traumatized, and I would really suggest to leave this "therapist". When I read what you wrote in your first post, I was dumbfounded and shocked. This is the worst kind of therapy for anyone. Better nothing than being hurt again. We asked about your current relationship you mentioned, isn't there any support or care for you? I feel for you, I can relate to the isolation, although not to such an extent as you describe.

 

[Fadeaway]

My current relationship is complicated. I'll explain when I can later today.

 

[Fadeaway]

OK, so I was waiting for him to go to bed. I will do the best to explain, but the simplest answer is I no longer trust or feel safe with him.

Longer version is that he is the greatest man in the world unless I am having a panic attack or flashback. Then he becomes downright mean. If I am sad and crying, feeling hurt or grieving he is great. But he becomes a different person when I am anxious or fearful.

One issue is my voice. Throughout my life, when my anxiety is high, I have had multiple people tell me that my voice changes and gets louder. I have tried to be mindful of it , but the truth is I can't tell. I am completely unaware of it. The only way I can tell that it is happening is that it only ever coincides with fear and anxiety.

So while he isn't the first to complain, even when I am trying to conceal my anxiety from him, he will angrily say "Stop yelling and stop using that voice." Given that I have no control over it and I have come to the conclusion that it is a physical and not mental symptom of anxiety, I become frustrated that because he wants me to stop and I can't short of avoiding speaking all together. So it turns into this huge vicious circle that feeds my anxiety, which in turn feeds his anger in which then is the perfect time in his mind to bring up every thing that is wrong... you can see where I am going with this.

The other problem is that in the past he has been given so very bad advice by his former boss and others such as thinking that I just need to face all my fears at once, or that if I am having a flashback or disassociating he needs to call 911 resulting in my being traumatized after I was physically assaulted by the police.

I haven't been able to trust him since. Also, no matter what he can't wrap his mind around the concept of a flashback and other. The man is freaking brilliant when it comes to book smarts. he is literally a walking talking encyclopedia, freakishly so, but he has he emotional IQ of a gnat sometimes. He totally gets that trauma changes the brain structure and all tha stuff but then other things, well it just doesn't matter how many different ways I try to explain it.

Like the other day, he said "Sometimes you'll read a news headline and then it is like you are in a turbulent day dream, you are here but also somewhere else." I mean, it was the ultimate facepalm moment.

So basicly if I didn't have PTSD we would have a great relationship, but my PTSD symptoms change him.

 

[moonbeam]

You should quit seeing this therapist.

Now I don't think she is being malicious or anything like that. And I understand that she might be trying to make some sort of statement about inner strength. And you probably shouldn't worry about getting older when now is the most important time. And what you do now in the present can change the future. I just don't think she is conveying this well. And instead of saying later or it comes from inside she could say something a bit nicer like "in time we can work on giving you tools for that." While ultimately the tools will come from you it is still something that she can help you adjust to and work on. Its also not something you can fix in an hour but she could give you ideas of things to practice. If its important to you why can't she devote like 5-10 minutes each session to it and you still have time for other things.

The part that I raise serious issue to is that while a T may normally have some ideas of where to take the session to (so you don't end up sitting in silence). A good T will adjust to what the patient wants to talk about and if they feel its something that won't be helpful they say things like "I know this feels important to you but I feel from an outside perspective that x is a bigger issue right now and do you think we could try discussing that because of..."

I don't understand why Ts can't just say why they don't think its good to discuss one topic, or why another feels more important, or if they have an agenda they want to follow that they feel is beneficial to the patient why they can't just say "I have an agenda of topics that I think are really important to discuss" and explain why.

The fact that your T won't give you a better understanding of her method suggests to me that she isn't very good. At the very least the two of you don't seem to be meshing well so she clearly doesn't have the right style for you. While I know its important to have a T seeing the wrong one can do more damage than good.

 

[The Albatross]

The reaction I received in response to my comment, is precisely why therapists either refrain completely from hot topics or respond often in rational ways to a fear based anxiety/phobia/worry. When presented with a number of consoling or empathetic responses... the one that was thought challenging was problematic because the person was not open to receive it nor anything that offered a perspective different than their own.

As I read the response yesterday, I found myself thinking that I was very grateful that my shrink actually said very little and that he did not mince words when I was stuck, angry or scared. He always responded to me by challenging the thinking pattern below my thoughts candidly. It wasn't enjoyable or fun at the time but his "bubble busting" on my thought processes were always presented in a way that caused me to pause to consider my reactive/base responses. BUT... big but... I had no doubt that he was a good willed and/or well intentioned person. I went into each session reminding myself of that.

 

[Fadeaway]

@The Albatross First of all I don't want to come across as though I am being argumentative about what you are saying. I am just not sure that I have painted a clear enough picture.

is precisely why therapists either refrain completely from hot topics or respond often in rational ways to a fear based anxiety/phobia/worry.

Then perhaps I have a very messed up idea about what therapy is. If a therapist avoids any of the minor but long term consistent issues, how will I ever learn to deal with them since my own attempts have failed? I don't think saying my corpse could call was very rational either, I think it means she wasn't paying attention to what was said.

I think it is great that your therapist provided with you what you needed. I am not yet in a place where that would work for me because I am so new to this therapist. Did your therapist know any of your history or offer you any tools?

I don't know, I mean in my mind challenging the thinking of an established client who has copping tools to deal with any discomfort changing the thinking pattern my cause IS a good thing.

However, when the cleint is new and is trying to address why they are in therapy and provide some background for the therapist, and by not even allowing the client to say these exist by totally dismissing them when all the client wants is coping skills...
*
Next week I am going to hand her a piece of paper that looks like this:


A---------------------B------------C---------------D

A is where I am now. D is the final goal of healthy functioning. Can we plot a step by step course from A to B, so that I can have goals and thing's to work on. Will you offer me tools and ideas to meet those goals along the way?
*

Any one have thoughts on this? Am I asking to much?

 

[Born to Run]

I find it a good plan you have come up with for next week. No it is not too much asked, as this is what you need. I would also see it as the ultimate moment to see if she can deliver, and if not to fire her. Personally, I would never go back to a person, who had told me my corpse would call. It is so totally inappropriate and inhuman.

Regarding your partner, I get it that you can not feel safe with him. I was actually thinking if he could have Asperger's? I have a friend with Bf, who - the Bf- comes very close to your partner's description. Your last sentence that if you would not have ptsd everything would be fine, I disagree with. Two people always bring both their issues with them in a relationship, and blaming yourself for the dysfunctional part is not fair to yourself. Obviously, he has issues too. I do understand though that it is difficult for you knowing that you trigger his issues, knowing the vicious cycle is the end result.