Am I Wrong?

[Fadeaway]

I will start by saying finding a therapist since I move to my current location has been an uphill battle. I started actively trying to get into therapy in Oct. But the wait list in this area if you don't have private insurance is months. Finding a new therapist will take forever and I don't feel like I have that kind of time.

Plus, I have lived in two other states and the mental health system here is so horrific, it makes the bad mental health places in other states look like a gift from heaven.

That said, I have been with this therapist for about a month now and I dread going. I dread it because she reinforces my deepest fears.

There are so many things I want to talk about, but she says "in time." I keep trying to talk to her about my insecurity about not having any family or outside support system out side of the internet. How I would like to have someone that I could call when I need advice or stressed. I keep looking for tools on how to reach out to others, and she says that everything i want needs to come from inside of me.

That makes me panic because it has always come from inside of me, it has been the hopes of having family like bond with another human being that has kept me going. She is taking away my hopes taking away my goals the things that keep me going and it hurt and scares me so much.

I tried to tell her that I am so afraid of when I get old. I know that if I fell and broke a hip or something that no one would ever find me. If I was die, it would be months before any one found my corpse. My pets would starve to death. I know this is a plausible scenario because when I was isolated for 7 years before I got in my current relationship, no one would have ever know if I had died. I went 6 months not contacting anyone to see if anyone cared. Nope no one.

So, I try to tell my therapist this and she says "Well, if you fall and break your hip, you can always call for help." Not if i can't reach a phone, but that isn't the issue. The fact is that since i have been born, no one has ever cared about me enough that if they didn't hear from me for over a moth, they wouldn't worry.
(when I was kidnapped as a teenager it took 2 weeks before my own mother noticed I was missing in her drug haze)
I have attended regular evens like church in the past and no one noticed when I stopped showing.

But all of this is supposed to come from inside of me and if my corpse hasn't been found for 6 months I can always make a phone call right?

 

[Fadeaway]

I was calmed down when I tried to write this, but just thinking about it has really made the panic attack return.

It just seems to me like she was saying that no one in my life would ever care about me.

 

[Hope to Encourage]

I am so sorry for what you have been through. I strongly encourage you to reach out to people everywhere to make friends. Do you have neighbors? I truly believe that there is someone out there who will be a close friend to you. How about a penpal that you also make calls to every week? I wish you the best and please don't give up...I'm a stranger and I care so I am convinced you'll find a great friend!

 

[Friday]

The good people will care. The assholes might care, but we try to avoid that. ;)

It sounds to me as if what she may have been trying to accomplish was the whole strength-of-self thing. You don't "need" people, so don't settle for assholes just to have someone/anyone in your life. You can take care of yourself. So add people to your life, not out of desperation, but of desire.

We go all hyper literal though, and wait,.. Yes ... We do need people. For abcdefghijklmnopqrstuv... I think that's where she really fumbled it.

Think of it this way:

My grandfather taught me to type. So I could be a secretary? Nope! So that I would never hire the wrong secretary because my last one quit, and I was desperate / couldn't type my own notes. (My grandfather was such a feminist!)

Learning self sufficiency isn't because no one will ever want you.
It's because you don't deserve to get saddled or stuck with someone who doesn't deserve you.

Self sufficiency also isn't abandoning the world (or yourself). I've done that. Disappeared. Or just quit talking to see how long it would take anyone to notice. Yep. When I was back of beyond, no one would have known if I were dead. Not because they didn't care... But because I didn't. It's a 2 way street. Self sufficiency isn't isolation. It isn't turning away from the world. It's just being selective about whom we share it with.

 

[Fadeaway]

It just really added t my fears, It has always been me, I have been the only one I could ever rely on and I guess , I am just too tried to keep supporting my self, I can't give myself what I need right now.

sorry, my words aren't coming to the way I want. My anxiety is to strong to say what I want to say right now.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you sure this is a decent therapist? She sounds like she's giving canned answers that help people with garden variety mild depression.

 

[Fadeaway]

Like i said I am thankful to have this much. I would have to move to get better, and that isn't going to happen.

 

[Rumors]

@Fadeaway. You have to seek out relationships outside of therapy in order to have people in your life that check in on you. If you don't invest in yourself and others then your worst fears could come to fruition. Try going to church, join a book club, a singles site...something that puts you into the light and causes you to form relationships. I can hear the anxiety in your tone. That is tough!!! However, the only person who can change your ending is you!!! You have got this!!! Step out and join a group and go hae dinner and conversation with people. Hang in there!!!

 

[Born to Run]

You dread going and she reinforces your deepest fears. I would say having no therapist is better than this non- empathic person. You do have a relationship, does that not help your feelings of being uncared for? I mean there is at least one person, who cares.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree with @Born to Run

Sometimes no therapist is better than a bad therapist. Bad therapists can actually cause regression. I've had a few of those. Of course, only you know if you should stick with her or not. I'd be wary of getting caught up with needing a therapist and settling for someone who can't help you move forward.

 

[The Albatross]

I don't see a big problem with a shrink not feeding into a maladaptive thinking pattern that is fear based.

Staying in fear based thinking/emoting is the behavior... she is right not to indulge you on it. She didn't add to your fears, she neither affirmed nor denied them, she stated a rational response and you didn't like it. What is therapeutic about spending a session about falling, breaking a hip and not being found? Nothing, it reinforces the thinking pattern and that's the problem in the first place.

 

[Pencil]

@Fadeaway I totally understand what you're saying. I had a therapist who made me feel desperate. It actually made me cling to her. What an awful cycle.

I'm too tired to give you a coherent bit of support. I'll be back later. For now: here we are on the same forum, for we all need people and human connection. And the more people tell you you need to 'find it inside yourself', the more you will panic.

Why doesn't your relationship provide you with what you feel you need?