Ambivalence In Therapy

[Marixxx]

I've been to weekly therapy for 3,5 years. Increased to twice a week in February, as T thought I needed it (and I fully agreed, beeing very depressed last few months). Only recently has my history of trauma been sinking in, on an emotional level. Totally emotional neglect in childhood +++ has taken its toll, and it is surreal to take the blinders off and see how it has affected my life, in so many (all!) ways.

I can very much relate to the descriptions of CPTSD, but I has been too afraid to ask T if he consider the same. I think he does, but at the same time, my inner voice say something like: "who do you think you are? That category is for good people, having something horrible done to them. You... are just a piece of s**t, and it is all your fault!". At the same time, he has been very clear that my issues are rooted in childhood neglect and mistrust/fear of intimacy. I have been in a CFS condition for the last 5 years, but the shame, self hatred and fear has been clottering the view, so to speak. I have a hard time believing that my condition and pain is not my fault, and that I am allowed to feel the way I feel.

I have an ambivalent relationship with my T. I believe he is OK and skillful, and really wants to help me, but it is hard to believe, with my level of mistrust and shame. Anyhow, things has been opening up more recently, as the pain was getting too hard to hide. I have been more open, and he has finally been allowed in behind my mask for brief moments - allowed to help me - and I really treasure the support he gave me, in one particular session a few weeks ago.

However, I have been so scared to go back ever since. Afraid of revealing my neediness and my unlovable self. And frankly, I don't know how to. I told my T I felt afraid and nervous today, but was not able to elaborate the reason properly. So I ended up talking, doing my best, not revealing too much vulnerability. And after the session, I felt so hurt and disappointed! Not by anything he said in particular, but I felt so alone, not being able to express my self in any meaningful way, not getting any of the stuff I need and long for... I totally get that I am very sensitive and get offended easily by T these days, even if he has no intention of doing such. Still, I am disappointed. I so desperately need some relief and support, and at the same time, I am the one keeping the door closed.

So... I feel so hopeless! How to move forward, when being so afraid to express my self honestly and being so easily hurt in therapy? Right now, I feel like quitting, and I feel so locked and unable to comfort my self.

 

[mylunareclipse]

I've been to weekly therapy for 3,5 years. Increased to twice a week in February, as T thought I needed...

Unfortunately, I can relate so much!
Everything you said. Telling myself who do you think you are? Afraid to ask if I have c-PTSD . Afraid to be vulnerable. And getting pissed at myself after a good session come a few ones where I am a robot and there's no feelings at all, which leaves me aching even more. The only difference is that I have been in therapy weekly for a little less than two years. I am not sure what the problem is either. Part of me says run from therapy, and another part wants to keep working and resolve this stuff. I have been asking my t to at least be more direct and warm towards me because I felt that I needed to directly hear that she was safe. It has helped a little, but she is still not the kind of t that will say ou are so strong etc.

So I don't have much advice, but I will say that you are not alone in this. I feel very similarly to how you are feeling. The only thing I would suggest is that unfortunately the only thing that can perhaps help is to let your therapist know exactly how you are feeling and perhaps what you don't like in what he does etc. it might take multiple times. It's not going to be resolved within gone session. I think this would be good before you decide to quit etc. give it your all. Speak the truth. Then I hope you'll have more clarity on how to proceed.

 

[Llith]

My therapist always lectures me on how 'You can't do therapy intellectually', so yes I completely understand you.

I find it easy to discuss some things that have happened as though it was a story for someone else and analyse it as an outsider, but being actually vulnerable and showing those feelings thats something I find nearly impossible even with years of therapy behind me. Even though part of me is screaming to say how I felt and to let myself be vulnerable, I just for some reason can't let those walls down.

To be honest no matter how tortuous it is to go back, I still would. If you are not ready to make that break through today maybe you can make it another day. Giving up on therapy, is in a lot of ways giving up on yourself.

I also come from a background of childhood neglect and it is very easy to tell yourself 'your stupid', 'no-one will believe you', 'protect yourself, don't go', 'you are just being over dramatic'. But you can't let those thoughts rule your life, and make decisions for you, they are the voices that you were trained to listen to as a kid, but that does not mean you should listen to them now. Its okay to say silly things, its okay to make a mistake, its okay to ask questions and be wrong. Especially with a therapist, no one is going to laugh at you, they do want to know what you have to say.

Even if you are like me and believe it is just a job for them, well your using their services, they chose this career, they are trained to handle this stuff, so use them to help yourself. I am king cynicism when it comes to peoples motives though.

If you are struggling to communicate and are not sure how to, then speak with them, make your next session about how you communicate with your therapist. It will also help them as well, they are only humans and sometimes need guidance from you as well.

 

[Marixxx]

Unfortunately, I can relate so much!
Everything you said. Telling myself who do you think you are...

Thank you for your support. It comforts and normalize my experience, knowing that someone can relate (unfortunately...).

I have felt really bad since the last appointment with T. My body is all frozen and I isolate my self. Feeling rejected, disappointed and angry. And I have a load of mistrust. My next appointment is on Friday. Yes, I hope to be able to express my self more openly, as I really need to try and sort this out. I am very doubtful for the time being if the treatment I am receiving is helpful or only making things worse. I have been "here" many times before, but always found my way back to at least some trust in my T. This time the mistrust feels more serious and painful, and I hope it will be clearer to me in the next session, whether is it "just me", or if my doubt in fact is valid. No wonder one feel unsafe, when it is not possible to know if you can trust in your own experience.

 

[Marixxx]

My therapist always lectures me on how 'You can't do therapy intellectually', so yes I completely underst...

Thank you for your feedback and advice, I really found it helpful. Intellectualization is definitive one of my favorite defense mechanism. I just recently learned about complex trauma/C-PTSD and I find it devastating and enlightening at the same time, finally finding a condition to relate to, that makes sense in so many ways. As mentioned, my T has used many of the causes and effects involved, but in more vague and general terms. I have not been able to understand just how broken I actually am, and I blame him for that. Because even if I am still struggling with taking it in, everything makes so much sense now. And to know, at least on an intellectual level that it was never my fault, and that my reactions are normal, given the circumstances, is a relief, and I wish he would have provided me with that knowledge.

At the same time... I see how this can easily be a mental hang-up for me: theorize my pain. Maybe that is why T has not been talking too much of trauma in a diagnostic way. He knows my craving for (mental) understanding. And that vulnerability and neediness is... hard.

Oh, it is so exhausting trying to figure everything out. I wish I had the nerve to just lean against T, resting assured that he sees me correctly, and that he know what he is doing. But I will definitely to back, I can not give up. No way. I am calmer now, and it feels good to experience that the level of mistrust experienced earlier has faded, as I now feel more grounded.

 

[Llith]

Thank you for your feedback and advice, I really found it helpful. Intellectualization is definitive on...

I think therapists, in my experience anyway, are very reluctant to put labels on anything you are going through. I do not know why, though I can guess it is because they want you to deal with the issues you have, and not adopt a whole load of new symptoms from whatever diagnosis they give you. It actually took 3 different therapists before one even said PTSD to me, I thought I just had depression and anxiety etc., I never realised that PTSD explained all of it and more, it was a very freeing realisation to me. I self diagnosed myself with C-PTSD after one therapy organisation refused to see me as I had more than one trauma to deal with ( I just thought that was normal! ).

It's always exhausting to cope with what has happened and process it all properly, and trusting in a person who in essence you do not know is unnatural to anyone who has had their trust betrayed before.

I am glad you are feeling calmer! A rant and some time normally helps figure out most problems! Wishing you the best of luck! :)