I have had an on going issue with self harm. It's kind of complicated to explain. It's something I have felt very ashamed about, and able to keep a secret from everyone I know. It can help me feel in control again, when things feel totally out of control.
I just started seeing a trauma therapist a month ago. I decided to be honest with her right away that this is something I want to work on. I thought I had dealt with this in therapy 8 years ago. It has been in the last year as my anxiety and panic have been increasing, that I have been struggling with this again.
My therapist asked me to promise not to hurt myself. I did. She asked that I call her if I have feelings of hurting my self. Here is a copy of an email to her, and her reply:
Me to my therapist:
"I hurt myself this morning. I'm ok. . I promised I wouldn't. Sorry. I really don't make promises lightly.
It happened very quickly. I didn't think about it ahead of time. I would have called if I had.
It was a moment of sudden intensity. I reacted immediately, before thinking.
I had a very disturbing dream. I was trying to start the day with my son and some visiting friends. The images of the dream kept coming. I tried to put it away, I stepped away several times and tried to breath and re ground myself. I tried the exercise to lessen the anxiety I was feeling.
I went into my room to lay down for a couple of minutes. Then as I closed my eyes to relax and calm myself it happened again. The images of the dream came so strong my instinct was to fight.
I can only say that in that moment it felt like I was in danger.
Then I remembered it was the dream and I was trying to stop it.- I punched myself in the head several times.
I didn't want to call you about this. I justified by saying that it is to late anyway. I already did it. I also was thinking that it wasn't that bad, that there is no injury. Truthfully though, this was this morning, and its 10:30pm, and it still hurts, so it must have been hard.
I am telling you because it is hard that I promised and then didn't keep my word.
Now that I have broken it, I could not feel committed anymore. So I am re- committing to the promise by telling you. "
Her reply:
"Thank you for letting me know. Now... Do not beat yourself up for breaking a promise. You are working hard on very hard stuff and I just wish you could see as I see, what a good and valuable person you are. You will get there. Punch a pillow. Put some ice on your arm to Ground yourself. Breathe. Smell that scented oil. Old habits die hard. That's all it is -- old stuff. We'll keep working."
I thought she woud be angry, or say she can't see me anymore.
I am feeling down on myself for responding to what happened this way.
I am actually confused about what happened. I felt like the dream was happening. Then I realized it wasn't real. My thought was, that it was in my head. I was desperate to make it stop, and not get me again.
It has been 4 days since and my head is still very tender, and my neck feels whip lashed.
:(
I just started seeing a trauma therapist a month ago. I decided to be honest with her right away that this is something I want to work on. I thought I had dealt with this in therapy 8 years ago. It has been in the last year as my anxiety and panic have been increasing, that I have been struggling with this again.
My therapist asked me to promise not to hurt myself. I did. She asked that I call her if I have feelings of hurting my self. Here is a copy of an email to her, and her reply:
Me to my therapist:
"I hurt myself this morning. I'm ok. . I promised I wouldn't. Sorry. I really don't make promises lightly.
It happened very quickly. I didn't think about it ahead of time. I would have called if I had.
It was a moment of sudden intensity. I reacted immediately, before thinking.
I had a very disturbing dream. I was trying to start the day with my son and some visiting friends. The images of the dream kept coming. I tried to put it away, I stepped away several times and tried to breath and re ground myself. I tried the exercise to lessen the anxiety I was feeling.
I went into my room to lay down for a couple of minutes. Then as I closed my eyes to relax and calm myself it happened again. The images of the dream came so strong my instinct was to fight.
I can only say that in that moment it felt like I was in danger.
Then I remembered it was the dream and I was trying to stop it.- I punched myself in the head several times.
I didn't want to call you about this. I justified by saying that it is to late anyway. I already did it. I also was thinking that it wasn't that bad, that there is no injury. Truthfully though, this was this morning, and its 10:30pm, and it still hurts, so it must have been hard.
I am telling you because it is hard that I promised and then didn't keep my word.
Now that I have broken it, I could not feel committed anymore. So I am re- committing to the promise by telling you. "
Her reply:
"Thank you for letting me know. Now... Do not beat yourself up for breaking a promise. You are working hard on very hard stuff and I just wish you could see as I see, what a good and valuable person you are. You will get there. Punch a pillow. Put some ice on your arm to Ground yourself. Breathe. Smell that scented oil. Old habits die hard. That's all it is -- old stuff. We'll keep working."
I thought she woud be angry, or say she can't see me anymore.
I am feeling down on myself for responding to what happened this way.
I am actually confused about what happened. I felt like the dream was happening. Then I realized it wasn't real. My thought was, that it was in my head. I was desperate to make it stop, and not get me again.
It has been 4 days since and my head is still very tender, and my neck feels whip lashed.
:(
