Relationship And Another Day Has Passed...

[jessb]

At this point, I'm in such turmoil.

My sufferer has ended things completely with me (when less than 30 days ago we were talking marriage, etc)

He stated on Saturday he wants to date other people (but has already told me numerous times he won't ever have a normal relationship with anyone, doesn't deserve it, or want it)

He still texts me throughout the day, and in the middle of the night. The messages in the middle of the night seem to be pointless, just kinda to see if I'll respond (and last night he asked if I was with a man), I'm definitely not. I don't have it in me to move on at this point. I need some time to heal myself after the past year with him. But he at least checks in numerous times, even if its just what he ate for lunch and goodnight.

I'm not holding onto any hope... but don't want to cut him out of my life either. And I have no idea how to convey these things to him. He thinks I'm trying to convince him to be with me, and I'm truly not. I love him so much, but don't want him in a relationship that he isn't happy in. I'll support him in any capacity. He was my friend before I fell in love, and I would like to remain friends.

I guess I just don't understand and don't know if these things are because of the PTSD or "just because" He still tells me all the time how he isn't complete.

I'm living my life the way I did before he walked into it. Going out with friends, working, and enjoying my children.

 

[CateM]

Hi Jessb

I am currently going through the exact same thing as you but am probably a few months ahead of your situation. My ex broke things off with me completely out of the blue when I thought we were extremely happy. He had told me that he had some issues etc, and I had seen them in play over our time together, but since our break up I understand them a lot more having researched PTSD and found places like this forum.

Obviously I don’t know your situation, and it sounds from your post as though you really just want to vent (which I fully understand). However, from my point of view, when my ex broke things off because ‘he needed space’ and felt out of control, I didn’t argue or beg, I just agreed and told him that in that case I needed time to readjust to the new situation and he needed to leave me alone, so hopefully one day we would be friends. A month of no contact passed before he text asking to see me. Over drinks he told me that he missed me etc etc etc……I think that giving him what he asked for and also allowing him time to miss me, made him think about the impact of his actions. It also meant that I got some control back in a situation where you feel as if every ounce of control has been taken away from you – if you’ve asked him not to contact you, pretty soon you’ll stop expecting him to call (which is rather liberating). I also think that you can never be there for someone as a friend straight away – some distance and time is always needed in the initial phase to get over the heartbreak. A good barometer of friendship is whether you can be happy if they meet someone new, I know that that takes quite some time for me (according to past relationships).

It’s 2 months later and we’re still not together but he’s in therapy and we do speak / see each other every couple of weeks although our communication is minimal. In my case, he has said that he still misses me and understands that our relationship was really good but has said that he doesn’t want us to get back together just to break up again in a months’ time because he hasn’t addressed his problems. He reiterated that he still needs space and that his therapist has told him not to get back into a relationship whilst he feels this way (it tends to bring out his issues because of said lack of control).

It’s a real rollercoaster ride and I don’t know how I’ll be feeling from one day to the next, but he’s a great guy and definitely worth a few months of my life and patience to see if he can work this out once and for all. In the meantime, I’ve really tried to motivate myself to get into new things – like sports – where I can meet new people and make sure I’m not moping around the house. My friends and family have been a Godsend and when I’ve chewed their ear off too much, I find coming on to sites like this really cathartic! I’m glad you’re still getting on with things by yourself.

Like you, I sometimes question whether this is the PTSD or whether he just doesn’t know if he wants to be with me – or maybe a mixture of the two, and so putting my life back together alone right now is a great foundation for any bad outcome. I was a disaster when all of this first happened, but now I definitely feel stronger and more able. I desperately want him back but I’m also realising life goes on, time does heal, and it’s important to be happy in yourself rather than relying on someone else to provide that happiness.

I hope things go well with your guy. I’m a big believer in things happening a reason (not quite fate) and as my friend always says “everything will be alright in the end, so if it’s not alright, it’s not the end!”

 

[Bosco2153]

This man wants physical freedom but he still wants you to provide the emotional comfort a relationship provides. I suspect that if the relationship continues as it is, you are destined to get hurt even further than you already have. I don't think this is PTSD related at all. You are being held onto, but right now you are continuing half of the relationship with him and won't be able to move on one way or the other.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I understand. Hug.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

You are quite strong indeed. I suspect, I would be / am bound by the fear of telling someone I care about not to contact me again until I can readjust and that simply happening-- never seeing / speaking to them again.

I appreciate there is no logic to be governed by fear / self-esteem issues.

 

[novemberDark]

It takes time and distance to shift to friendship jessb. Time to grief the relationship first.

I found it so much more difficult because of my ex partners PTSD.
He really wanted to have a love life but feels incapable.

 

[novemberDark]

I set the boundary to no see each other for a long time first. Its should get easier as your the one that has been pushed away, drained, hurt by ptsd symptoms.

He went past 3 strikes so that helped me in a way.

I also agree with what is said here about knowing where you are at when you can say you could be happy if he would find someone new and be content.

It has been like that with other ex bf s from the past, I d even meet the new gf nd slowly contact dies down because the new relationship blooms.

This person is so different, I'm not sure if it is the ptsd or the person, but for him its very often straight down to the basics of life. The real important things in life are I clear.

Moment to moment (good ones) or little things so appreciated. No expectations high set etc. That's what I also saw too.

It is an issue he says he needs to be and stay alone, it saddens me. That he wont even try with someone new (cast aways basketball was for a reason). The long periods if isolation make him worst in the end.

There is no one ( accept for my parents) that had the capacity to totall calm/ bring me bak down to earth in a flash (very core bottom down loosing it I mean).

It hardly happens but have been there and its a good feeling that someone is in this world that can be that. He was and is my biggest asset and I find that so precious.

I don't known if that comes from some of his learned techniques in coping with ptsd (don't think so, he was like that before official diagnosis) or if its the ptsd itself.

I made it clear I will always be there for him to reach out to ( I calm him too). It was important for me to have that frienship remain( we go way back also).

Its not all one way street but comfortable distance is very good. We never moved in together( I said no because I didn't feel it was a good idea). My home was sort of a safe base for him to return too when he wanted. Now my place is my comfortzone and

 

[novemberDark]

It feels good, I also totally flipped some things around in my life same result. It's just better to put the energy in yourself.

Friends is a lot less pressure. Another thing that just came to mind was that he never judged me either(I have my own issues related to trauma).

I've found this site very great, wish I had it back then. Hope you find away that works best for you.