And Nothing Changes...

[Uli]

He lashes out verbally then apologises. If I try and talk about what happened and how it makes me feel then he becomes angry that I am not "accepting" his apology and he lashes out again. Yesterday I was called "a c*nt of a thing" and physically shoved outside and the door shut in my face because I wanted to talk about what happened instead of just saying "oh, that's quite alright darling".

 

[Efazo]

He lashes out verbally then apologises. If I try and talk about what happened and how it makes me feel then he becomes an...

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I'm in the same boat sometimes. I often think my veteran is in a psychotic state when he rages. There is no talking to him when he is like this. I often have to wait a few days to address it. I've wanted to tape him while this is happening so he can hear it at a later time but I haven't done it yet. I try to bite my tongue when he's yelling but that is hard to do when you want to defend yourself. I've told him I feel like a battered wife after it's over. It takes me a couple days to "forgive" his words but I never forget them. It really sucks not having your feelings validated. Good luck with everything.

 

[Orus]

A casual apology isn't enough to undo the damage inflicted, especially if it keeps on happening, as there seems to be nothing done to remedy the situation in the long run. Is he in therapy? If so, I'd say he's at least attempting to get healthy and would encourage your patience (not to be mistaken for acceptance!) as he straightens himself out. If he's not in any form of support, then it's up to you whether you'd like this situation to potentially continue indefinitely. By staying, the subliminal message we send, whether intentional or not, is that their behavior is acceptable to us, at least enough to stick around. As someone who's been in the same boat, you must for your own self-preservation learn to break the cycle. If he continues to fly off the handle verbally or otherwise, you can draw your line in the sand, informing him that his repeated harmful actions WILL have consequences. Then comes the hard part: enforcing those consequences.

 

[Ane]

Wow. So similar for me.

Uli -- I get pushed out and locked out in some situations too. If we start to argue and it escalates, I have to always make sure I have my phone and my keys on my person just in case. I hate the "c" word, but that's one of his go to insults when he's full on angry. Then, after all that, I'll be lucky to get a simple "sorry" and/or "love you".....mmmm no, I need to talk about what happened and I need to see some remorse or something and you can expect me to grumpy about it for a few days. I need to process it!

Efazo -- I see the psychotic state with my vet too. Literally nothing I say will get through to him. We can be arguing about something relationship related and he'll start going off on me about how I prefer Mexican food to Italian food or how shitty the college I went to was. Absolute insanity. Like a toddler, but meaner and much stronger. I tell my vet often that he needs to be with someone who that can disengage better when he is escalating because, often times, I can't. I can't keep my mouth shut. I can't stop trying to reason with him to get him to snap out of it. I mean, sometimes I can, but more often than not I feel the need to defend myself and/or make him see the way he is acting/the things he is saying are disrespectful. I would be wary of the filming unless you know your vet would be cool with it, even once he's more calm. On two occasions I have brought my phone out to film him: 1) We were in a physically aggressive situation and I wanted evidence. He acts like "oh I'll just film you back", before he gets irate and then throws my phone, and 2) He filmed me when were arguing and I was crying, acting as if he was going to send it to people. Later in the argument, I openly threatened to do the same, and he shoved me, leaving a bruise. So.....just be careful with the idea of filming.

It takes me a couple days to "forgive" his words but I never forget them. It really sucks not having your feelings validated.

^This is something I've had a hard time putting into words for him recently so thank you :)

 

[Gohe]

He lashes out verbally then apologises. If I try and talk about what happened and how it makes me feel then he becomes an...

My Vet is the same way. This past weekend we got into a huge fight because I am not getting over finding out he was messaging and exchanging photos with a girl be met online fast enough. He knows there is a chance I am going to end our relationship over it. It's been 1 month and he feels like that's enough time for me to know. When I said I am trying to deal with my emotions and that my trust is very damaged he called me a piece of shit and a waste of his time. He also proceeded to call me his ex gf's name to upset me. The next day he acts like nothing happened at all. He always does that. I asked what he would do if he heard someone talk to his sister like that and all I got was a lame sorry. This isn't the first tims he has called me names, or lashed out at me. He thinks sorry just makes it go away, but I remember all of the terrible things he has said to me over the years.

 

[Uli]

Yeah - I'm the OP and one of the things that drives me mad is that my vet seems to think "sorry" clears the slate like it never happened. And if it doesn't then its my fault for holding a grudge. :rolleyes::banghead: