Anger at my Mom since her death - When it was my father who hurt me.

[katz]

I know that it was my father who hurt me - then why am I so angry at my mom -- 3 years after her death? My husband told me that I have been too angry for him to bear. Then when he said that it had been for a few years, I thought back and realized that it all started 3 years ago when my mom died. How can I get past this ? and hopefully save my marriage.

 

[vwx1]

Hi there. I do not know why you are angry at your mom, or how you can get past this. I do believe there is a reason for your anger that makes some sort of sense, and I believe you can feel more at peace. Maybe you feel anger towards your mother, because she somehow enabled your father to cause you hurt? Being angry at a parent, not for what they did, but rather for what they did not do, meaning for example that they did not protect you from getting hurt, would be very understandable. Our feelings does not automatically die just because the person they are connected to, does.
If someone who knows you well says that you have become so angry that it is very difficult to be around, then perhaps try that idea out. Perhaps there is some truth to what he is saying. You seem to think yourself there could be. So maybe, you would benefit from having someone to talk to, a professional, that can explore this idea together with you, and help you live with more love and less anger. Best wishes.

 

[OliveJewel]

I think sometimes we get angry at the ones who we feel safe enough to be angry at. I think that’s called transference.

 

[Weemie]

I know that it was my father who hurt me

If your father harmed you, and your mother did nothing to stop it, then she too bears responsibility. Your anger at her makes complete rational sense.

 

[arfie]

quite often, when i can't pinpoint the reasons for any given emotion, the reasons become clear as i accept, channel and release that emotion.

why ask why? it is enough that you are angry. channel, channel, channel. . .
wanna borrow my kick boxing bag?

 

[abovedown]

I know that it was my father who hurt me - then why am I so angry at my mom -- 3 years after her death? My husband told me that I have been too angry for him to bear. Then when he said that it had been for a few years, I thought back and realized that it all started 3 years ago when my mom died. How can I get past this ? and hopefully save my marriage.

Do you feel that your mom abandoned you by dying? Have you had a change to properly mourn her? Or is your anger a possible cover for grief?

 

[Ecdysis]

I think sometimes we get angry at the ones who we feel safe enough to be angry at.

This. It often feels too scary/ threatening to be angry at the actual perp, so anger gets let out on ppl who are "safer" like your mother or your husband.

 

[katz]

If your father harmed you, and your mother did nothing to stop it, then she too bears responsibility. Your anger at her makes complete rational sense.

When I read your post, it really made me wonder why this comment caught me off guard. After thinking about it for a while, I realized it. It is not "only" that she did not protect me when I was a child - but that she continued putting the blame on me as I grew older.

I listened in on a conversation she had with a man I was dating. He was about 7 years my senior. She was telling him about all the stories that I had been making up since I was a kid. I was shocked that she was still telling people about it that way. I was in my 40's at the time !!
Thank goodness, he did not believe her. He told her how he had listened to me and that these were not things that I would have made up. Not with all the details I knew of. I was so relieved to have someone take my side and believe me!

--then he died. (about 4 years later)

His sudden death pushed me off the edge again and I ended back in the hospital. This just gave my family more ammo to attach to me that I was "not right". (I was in the hospital when the service took place for him. They "let" me come to the service for a short time- then quickly took me back to the hospital.) Now I'm right back in my role in the family as the problem child. "The one that isn't quite right." (they still believe this when I'm 60 years old - how pathetic!) I avoid contact with most of them, unless I must.

When I looked back at my "anger" issue - I realized that it wasn't just that she did not protect me as a child - but that she continued to believe it herself and spread the lies, to the very end. I know now that the only one she was ever protecting is herself - from her guilt. She did not want to take any of the responsibility for not helping me.
Hmmm..that would make me angry at her - don't you think??

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes that's the first thing that came to me @katz , and totally normal and expected. Even without the stories, (OMG).

May not just be guilt, but even her denial, which isn't intentional. But reflects something too painful (for her) to accept. Which may or may not include the culpability, and the self-focus.

I'm so sorry you went through all of that.

Far as anger goes, I think Anthony has an article on here about it being a cover emotion. I certainly would expect terrible hurt, grief, sadness and feelings of uncertainty and abandonment, +/or fear, hopelessness and rage. And other stuff. Which also too is totally normal.

Big hugs to you.

 

[katz]

Tinyflame,
Thanks for your hugs.. I only wish that it was only that....
She didn't protect me from my grandfather either- nor the other 3 men that hurt me. I'm sure she passed with a lot of hurt and guilt on her conscious.
I comfort myself by believing that justice was served to her on judgement day. I have held on to my anger for so long by just holding it in and trying to forget it. I guess it has been long enough for it to make it's ugly face show thru.

I told myself long ago that my memories and feelings would come thru only when I was ready to deal with them. I'm not looking forward to the others.. some day. Especially since they will be worse...much worse. I also comfort myself that all the "other ones" have passed away and had to face "judgement day" also. My father is the only one left.. he is 97 years old.