Anger, Desire For Revenge, Family And More

[Dana1010]

@Go Hungry A lot to relate to here and some that frankly leaves me in awe, like the situation with your brother. I can't understand why some people insist on "patching things up" with their abusers. First of all, half the time they're sociopaths - pure evil and not going to change ever. Wipe them off the slate and don't look back, I say. I've been officially estranged from my family for years, and that means zero contact. They don't have my phone number; I could be in a different part of the world for all they know. I hate my parents and am not apologizing for it. As for my siblings, my heart gets so heavy with sadness when I think of them, I just have to block them out. It would bring up too much pain having to see them or talk to them, and I could not abide by them still having contact with our parents and going over to their house for Christmas with presents - ugh! What a charade. No. Just no.

I didn't have friends growing up. Our parents isolated us and so I didn't learn anything about the social world. My first few years on my own, I was desperate to make people like me and had no idea how, fumbling direly. The memories of embarrassing myself in front of people are really traumatic and hard to move on from. I can't believe that's me! Screwing me out of social development has been one of the gifts that keep on giving bestowed on me by those free roaming criminals.

 

[xena21]

Do any of you have such HATE and anger and violent thoughts inside? I'm sure you all hate your attackers and abusers, but does this hate poison you like it does me? I

Yes!!! I almost killed my Grandmother because of this hate. I had plans to kill her and me at the same time because of what she was complicit in doing when I was young. The hate was so intense I almost couldn't control it. Fortunately I only scared her, and even that I feel a bit guilty about.

Hate has tentacles that grow and can take over your life. I am still trying to figure out how to get around it.

 

[purgemeofthepain]

Thanks to everyone for the their heartfelt responses. I was feeling so angry when I wrote those two posts, but luckily that anger subsides and I'm left more at peace and I mellow out. I realize that we have ALL the right to be angry at our abusers, but I don't want to FEED that anger anymore cause I literally feel poisoned by it and it hurts ME more than it hurts any of the many ppl who have attacked and abused me.

In Buddhism they say that holding a grudge or hate towards someone, is like holding a red hot piece of coal tight in your hand with the hopes of throwing it at your enemy. It's easy to see who gets hurt more by this. (Don't quote me on this tho, cause I'm not sure who said it or exactly how, but you get the gist! lol).

So yes, I want to "purge" myself of the anger/hatred somehow and I don't want to live my life being a bitter, hateful person with those that don't deserve it, just cause I've been through a lot of trauma in my past. I want to HEAL, I want to move on from this. I want to turn the page and start living.

Thanks for reading my rant and I'm really glad that I can feel safe to vent here cause I am sure that the hatred and anger WILL surface again sometime and all I can do at those times is come here and SCREEEAAAM it out. Hahaha.

But you're not alone at all in this respect. And the world isn't really out to get you. The truth is that most people have their heads so far of their own asses that they barely spare a thought to anything or anyone else, including you and me.

I agree that this is completely accurate, but try telling it to my stuck-in-adrenaline-surge brain! I've found that reason and sense don't have the slightest bit of a chance to change what your heart and brain are telling you. No matter how much I tell myself: "no, they're not after you!", my whole being knows and feels it with every fiber, so I end up acting accordingly.

I wanted the world to burn, the whole of humanity destroyed so this planet could go back to the way it used to be. So God could never damn another person to the Walking Hell that is life.

I can totally relate to this. I go through this every single day. I have to fight the urge to tell everyone "GOOD! you deserved it!" when something bad happens to them. I hate the world and everyone in it, including myself. But then that hatred gets reflected back at me and that's whey I get scared and I try to mellow out a bit.

I don't know what your exact situation is, but are you able to move out of the family home and away from your parents? I think this will be a crucial step in your healing, and I don't think it is really possible to heal while in the constant presence of your abuser.

I agree that we all need some distance from each other. I would move out in a heartbeat if I knew I could make it out there on my own. But I don't have the necessary funds OR mental stability to hack it on my own. I would devolve into an even worse of a mess than I already am if I stayed alone ALL day EVERY day. Isolation is not a good thing for anyone and as much as I hate to go out and be in contact with others, I realize that I NEED it and I should force myself to do it more often.

My dad hurt me badly (mostly psychologically and emotionally, as he never really beat me severely. Mostly just tried to scare me into doing what a kid is supposed to do in school), but he's not a monster like some of the perpetrators and attackers I've read about on this forum. Don't get me wrong, I still hold anger towards him, that's why I made this thread, but my dad HAS said many times that he's sorry, and changed his ways. Of course the damage is done but now I know that it was just misguided discipline that he was trying to impart. Parents don't know how to raise their kids automatically and these were mistakes that my parents made without true evil intentions to hurt me, but on the other hand, they wanted to set me on the correct path in life, which is what every good parent does.

That said, the heart doesn't accept reasoning like this, and I AM deeply hurt by what he did, and how he did it. And THAT'S where my rant came from, but like I said, I want to move on from this.

I'm not justifying violence or abuse against kids at all tho, no way. Even if it's done with a good intention, but the truth is I DO hold good feelings for my dad and mom and I can't put those fully aside either.

Now, the f*cking sick, twisted bastard who raped me while I was drunk, now HE is a true monster. Pure evil indeed. If I am angry at someone, it should be HIM more so than my parents.

 

[pamcoco]

While I'm not disbelieving you, I think it's a little dangerous to quote 'statistics', without giving reference to a source, and a reliable one at that. Perhaps you could provide the source for your statistics. Thanks.

This statistic is widely recognized and many resource available with a google search. I was wrong it is 78 per hour not 73, in the US. But I got my statistic from Gavin De Becker's 'The Gift of Fear'.

Here are two references that were at the top of the google search I just did stating the same:
Cassey
Link Removed

Do you have any statistics for convictions, rather than just arrests?

Not off hand, but here is the FBI reference for the statistic that 65% of arrests for forcible rape is of white males:

http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/ucr/crime-in-the-u.s/2011/crime-in-the-u.s.-2011/tables/table-43

 

[cherryblossom]

Not off hand, but here is the FBI reference for the statistic that 65% of arrests for forcible rape is of white males:

Hmm, it's interesting, although I have to say that I can't see anywhere that this table only refers to males, but I might have missed that.

Also if you look at the overall arrests for all crimes, 69.2% of all arrests where white people. So perhaps the figure for forcible rapes isn't so unusual, and perhaps is more representative of the population as a whole. A very quick search revealed Whites (including Hispanics who identified as white) constitute 72.4% of the population in the 2010 United States Census (according to wikipedia).

If you were to assume that no one race is more likely or less likely than another to commit a crime /be arrested, then you would surely expect the percentage of arrests to to be similar to the percentage of the overall population.

Your stand alone quote of a statistic

65% of arrests for forcible rape is of white males

is actually misleading in my opinion, because it comes across as though white males are more likely than other ethnicities to be rapists, which is probably not the case. (If it were, the figure would be much higher than 65%) Just my opinion why statistics can be misleading.

 

[TeddydaBear62]

I have feelings very similar. But I have tried to be thoughtful in my process.

For instance......I have had nothing but trouble with my neighbors. I just really want to be respected and have my property respected. Unfortunately that hasn't happened. The people around me are mentally not living in the present times.

The ones behind me used a chemical on the back fence that was to kill the poison ivy that sometimes grows there. But they waited to do it at night? And somehow the wind was blowing in the direction of my yard? hmmmmm. Anyway.....they killed 20 yards of my grass out from the fence line. I called the police. The police didn't do anything, because they said they could not prove who actually did it. Typical...

Anyway.....years later (a few weeks ago) this same neighbor came down my drive (yes, even with no tresspassing signs posted) and inquired about a lost dog he found. He also told me about his mower that broke down. His grass was so tall, you could almost hunt tigers there. I thought about it, and thought about it.

I had been reading one of the more difficult passages of the bible. "Love thy neighbor as ye love thy self". This seemed impossible! But I scrounged up to the courage to go ask if I could mow his lawn and help him out? Of course he agreed, and I did it. It was a long struggle....but got through it. He never thanked me....neveroffered to pay for the gas...... But after I did it? I did feel better. I was shocked in a small way. But knew I did something good for someone else....which in turn was good for me.

 

[The Albatross]

"In Buddhism they say that holding a grudge or hate towards someone, is like holding a red hot piece of coal tight in your hand with the hopes of throwing it at your enemy. It's easy to see who gets hurt more by this. ... So yes, I want to "purge" myself of the anger/hatred somehow and I don't want to live my life being a bitter, hateful person with those that don't deserve it, just cause I've been through a lot of trauma in my past. I want to HEAL, I want to move on from this. I want to turn the page and start living."

Cha ching! :tup: Good analogy, I have not heard of this before but it makes good sense. To break the cycle I used a suggestion of "turning away" and "turning to"... turning away from what I did not want, and turning to what I did want and taking the actions necessary to reinforce that until it became habit and then new behavior. It made sense to me that circling around grudge/hate/resentment fed it and kept me in the cycle. I had to do something different and be willing to become the person I wanted from others, and take the actions necessary to focus and refocus by turning away the resentment/hate/grudge and turn towards the character attributes I wanted for myself and from others: calm, consistent, longsuffering, slow to anger, [fill in the blanks as you wish].

A hard slog and a 3 year study in character attributes... but it was worth it and it has stuck.

 

[TeddydaBear62]

I do feel a darker side though. These neighbors in front of my home know I am "weak" because of my polite and timid behavior. I asked them 4 times about not riding motorcyles on my property. The last time, you cannot imagine the filthy language they spewed at me. And there was another incident of disrespect I confronted them on. More filthy language.

Now I have found my fence broken.....no one grown up enough over there to come forward and apologize. They shot fireworks in my direction. Not good.

But again the police won't do anything without "proof". So now I have security cameras. But unfortunately they don't catch everything....or those sneaking around at night.

I feel bad.....but I wish something bad would happen to them. I am sorry......not by me of course.....just something. And those feelings go against my christian values.....and make me feel worse.