Anger: How Can It Be Safe?

[Powder]

I think that harming others is an indirect method of self-destruction. I cannot explain it fully right now, but in terms of child abuse, I think it's a form of "no boundaries" when lashing out at the child is a way to attack one's inner child.

Inner critic/outer critic. Externalizers give the abuse, not take it on and enact it on themselves, as in cutting or other self-harm.

Externalizers + mental illness (Axis II disorders) + unhealthy lifestyle/drugs + _____ = abuser. Anger is not even part of the equation. It leaks out in there someplace, but so does every other emotion. Anger is just much more visible/vocal but so is shaming/humiliating someone.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Inner critic/outer critic. Externalizers give the abuse, not take it on and enact it on themselves, as in cutting or other self-harm.

Externalizers + mental illness (Axis II disorders) + unhealthy lifestyle/drugs + _____ = abuser.

Ive heard of this but im not sure i fully agree. I self harm and internalize (and an addict) but i also have blind rage explosions, non-violent but explosions nonetheless.

So internalize + externalize when anxiety builds to an explosive level or am triggered. Not sure what you call that.

Im just not sure people can fit neatly in areas like that. Not saying you were (and i have heard that somewhere else), just seems like these equastions are trying to box people.

 

[mamachick]

I am not sure what you mean about exploding and it not being violent. I do understand littlelostchilds concern about anger because of a "raging" parent. It can be so abusive/traumatizing without putting a hand on anyone, and I think of that as the explosion.

I think that harming others is an indirect method of self-destruction. I cannot explain it fully right now, but in terms of child abuse, I think it's a form of "no boundaries" when lashing out at the child is a way to attack one's inner child.

I agree Muse.

Externalizers + mental illness (Axis II disorders) + unhealthy lifestyle/drugs + _____ = abuser. Anger is not even part of the equation. It leaks out in there someplace, but so does every other emotion. Anger is just much more visible/vocal but so is shaming/humiliating someone.

Not sure I understand this correctly. What do you mean by externalizers? What is the last factor that is left blank or possibilities that you are thinking of?
I was thinking of abusive men and domestic violence as I use to co facilitate a batterers intervention group for court ordered men (an alternative to keep out of jail) and have some training in this, at least in theory. While dv is much more prevalent when alcohol is used and certain factors, it is usually thought that the abuser has issues with the need to control. They do not always suffer a mental illness.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am not sure what you mean about exploding and it not being violent.

I explode verbally, blindly as i have no idea what i am doing or saying until its over, but have never ever been violent. Never touched anyone, just screaming and what not.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I do understand littlelostchilds concern about anger because of a "raging" parent. It can be so abusive/traumatizing without putting a hand on anyone, and I think of that as the explosion.

Anger and rage are related, highest intensity of anger but different. Anger doesnt cause blind rage explosions thus not "unsafe" in this way.

Rage was brought up so i advised about the rage = violence part as i am not violent, or even abusive really and its not really due to anger anyway.

 

[joeylittle]

Can anyone help me with evidence against? Can anger actually be neutral or even a good thing?

You've gotten lots of good feedback.

I have a few examples of how anger can tangibly lead to positive action. When I see something that I believe is morally wrong, I get angry. Someone I work with was threatened recently for no other reason than her race. That made me angry. In response to my anger, I got in touch with her and took her for coffee and listened to her talk about how she was doing, and told her how brave she is, and how loved she is, and how she never deserves to go through that ever again. I bought her a cookie, and it made her happy. It's all so small, and doesn't fix what happened to her, and doesn't make me any less angry that it happened. But my anger motivated me to reach out.

I've gotten involved with various campaigns, writing to my congress-people, etc., because of being angry at something I perceived as unjust, or wrong, or otherwise in need of change.

I think sometimes that our emotions are signals that there's something going on, and we need to look into what it is, and how we want to respond to it. In that sense, any emotion - including anger - is useful, because it's pointing at something that is affecting you, and you can then identify what's going on, and do something to change the situation.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I've gotten involved with various campaigns, writing to my congress-people, etc., because of being angry at something I perceived as unjust, or wrong, or otherwise in need of change.

Thats a super great example!

I got involved with several volunteer programs in earlier years because of the anger i had of animal and child abuse!

It def motivates stepping in to help change happen!

 

[EveHarrington]

I explode verbally, blindly as i have no idea what i am doing or saying until its over, but h...

This is indeed violence. It's called verbal violence. I had a therapist explain it to me years ago when I'd become verbally violent toward everyone around me. It is terrifying for those around someone who is verbally violent. These violent explosions are indeed abusive IMHO as its so scary, even terrifying for everyone else involved.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Anger also breeds motivation. There's a good thing.

Many good and safe things come from anger.

 

[Powder]

@brat17

Not sure I understand this correctly. What do you mean by externalizers? What is the last factor that is left blank or possibilities that you are thinking of?

I can't quite connect with my train of thoughts when I wrote that. Happens a lot when under enough stress, unfortunately. So I'm not sure how to answer the questions well.

I'll do my best.

I think I was discussing Externalizers as a temperament. Acting out, vs. depression.

Then, a personality disorder, and then any other life stress that is not solvable. This formula seems to, in my personal experience, add up to abuse. I forgot the alcohol/drugs abuse. That might be secondary to the other stress and the personality disorder and self-medicating the abuse memories.

My point I think I was trying to make was that I could make the case that an abuser has this kind of stuff going on inside them, and the emotion of anger doesn't really come into it. Not even as the straw that broke the camel's back because I see the anger as latent and repressed and coming out during abuse as a release, not a cause. I hope that makes sense.

I don't think my dad abused me because he was angry at me.

Now my mom did display anger in conjunction with her big abuse episode and the minor ones, too, but she was/is always angry. It's her main emotion, contempt, as a Narcissist. It wasn't the cause of the abuse. That was premeditated for a specific purpose, mainly for control, power. Control as you said. Revenge maybe mixed in.

Thank you for helping me clarify the thinking here.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't think my dad abused me because he was angry at me. Not at all

I would agree with that when it comes to my abusers.

Anger alone by itself is has many benefits.

The rage is a different issue by itself and is different then anger alone.

 

[littlelostchild]

Thank you to all of you for your replies! And, I am not a minor, so the abuse is historical.

I am beginning to better understand how I have misconceived that anger equals violence. I try very hard not to feel anger as I am afraid it will result in me hurting someone. The connection of anger as a call to action is really important to me, thank you for the examples!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me - I really appreciate it, everyone!