Anger In Relationships

[intrasearching]

Hi,

My partner has come to live with me for three months. We are in a long distance relationship and visit every other month. Since we have an open summer, we decided to spend it together.

My PTSD is pretty bad... It is about day five and not one day has passed that I didn't feel on edge throughout most of the day. Yesterday was probably the best day. I didn't feel threatened much at all and things were fine. However, that night, for reasons not totally clear to me (maybe due to the stress of work) I became overwhelmed with severe anger and a plethora of other nasty PTSD symptoms. I did my best to not say or do anything that could hurt my partner, and it seems I was successful. I have been checking in with her and she said that I didn't do anything to make her feel bad.

However, today I am finding that I am still incredibly sensitive and it's very hard. Due to the nature of my trauma I have big issues with fear of abandonment, and it seems that oftentimes the way I respond to signals of potential abandonment is with anger. I am doing my best today to keep everything calm and centered, but my partner has days where she isn't very affectionate (which contrasts extremely with how she usually is) and our energies just get really weird together and it makes me so perturbed inside...

Anyone deal with anger in relationships? How do you cope? I am desperately clinging onto normality! I really don't want to affect my partner negatively and I want to promote the health of our relationship. That is very, very difficult when you have PTSD... Just trying to say very little...

 

[nursenurse]

Therapy, if you haven't already been there. And if in 5 days you already feel this way, I'm not sure what the rest of the summer will bring. When people care about each other, it isn't always outwardly affectionate, certainly not all of the time, denoting a certain comfort level in the relationship. That's the stuff of early romance, and while outward affection is important, it will not stay as a constant hanging off of one another. I wonder about your age, how you met.

What happens to this pent up anger? Do you become physically or verbally abusive, or both?

Seek out help if you aren't getting any at the moment. I feel that you are an unsprung coil from reading your post. What are your other feelings towards this girl? You did not mention love or like, which would hopefully win out over anger. And the hardest question of all is, should you even be in this relationship at all? Five days of anger and 11 weeks to go. Think about it, get some help, and be fair to both her and yourself.

 

[Philippa]

I am not sure what to advise here. I basically destroyed my last real relationship because of my outbursts and verbal abuse. He was a really great guy too, who loved me a lot and gave me a shoulder to cry on and understanding...initially. I didn't deserve him...not in the state I was in anyway. We cannot go back in life though. It was a lesson hard learned.

If I had to do it again, I would not have live with him.

One thing that I did start to implement when we were living together was the strategy of me walking away, going for a walk in the park to cool down, so that I came back calmer and less inclined to lash out. I did not always succeed in doing this everytime, and behaved badly, as did he on occasion as well.

It's a very challenging situation. I hope you can find helpful strategies for this.

 

[rightkindofme]

I used to have more extreme anger issues than I do now. Age is mellowing me. When I was 19 I picked up my fiance and threw him across the room during an argument. :( I was an abusive monster towards him so let me be clear that I am not giving me a pass on anything. Controlling my anger has taken serious Effort.

Therapy is awesome. I wouldn't be alive without therapy. I write a lot in order to track my moods and reactions. I take a lot of time outs. I'm better now at recognizing when I am escalating. It used to be unconscious that I could go from like a level two frustration to an eleven in thirty seconds and I would start screaming. Now I am able to physically feel it hit seven or eight and I say, "My emotions are out of proportion to this conversation/event; I'm going to take a few minutes to calm down." Then I walk away fast. I no longer have people in my life who follow me to continue shouting so this is working better. :)

Good luck. It is really hard. I don't live with people well. My poor kids. :(

 

[intrasearching]

To be clear because I can't make a full response at this time, there is never any violence in our relationship. We love each other very much. The only issue is that my hypervigilance can at times make me feel totally on edge and afraid that my partner may abandon me. We had a very good talk last night and I have accepted a few things, namely my lack of self worth and the necessity of crying it out when I feel really bad rather than acting grumpy. This is the worst I have ever been regarding my symptoms and my partner and I both agree that it isn't that bad. I am committed to therapy and have been in EMDR for the past couple months, so conceivably things will be getting better. I posted on here because I was looking for some guidance regarding affect regulation.

Thank you all for your responses. It helps me to hear your perspectives and experiences.

 

[intrasearching]

One thing I'd like some other perspectives on is impulse control. I can be grumpy and weird, where I say something rude and then apologize and over-explain how I'm trying to stay level and that I don't mean to be nasty etc. and it just makes the environment confused, awkward, and tense. In those moments I can get to feeling so hopeless and overwhelmed that I want to blow my brains out. How can I stop going to that place?

 

[maddog]

One of the very many problems I am having accessing this forum thesedays is the fact that I am unable to post new threads of my own. So I very much hope this won't be perceived as hijacking this thread, as my issues are related.

I have been noticing a few people referring to outbursts of anger, or anger management struggles in general, in a number of threads recently, which has finally allowed me to pluck up the courage to start a thread about this.

I am currently, and for some time now, struggling with anger management. Often, I know my anger is displaced, usually the result of fear or startle responses, or of a sense of humiliation or being stared at by others. In such instances I tend to become verbally aggressive and antagonistic towards others, usually while feeling an almost pounding sense of fear and a need to escape.

Sometimes I feel this anger is extreme irritability, perhaps related to depression, which results in my being extremely intolerant of interruption, annoyance or other inconvenience and prone to nasty verbal outbursts and a very very strong desire to hit someone... which thankfully I have not acted upon.

Sometimes it's just intense, seemingly without cause and intermittent, and it makes me harsh and unreasonable with my dog, with anyone near me, and ultimately very very shame-filled and depressed afterwards.

I haven't spoken about it much, in therapy or anywhere, because I am very ashamed of it. But trying to move beyond that, I'd love to hear others' experiences with anger management strategies, both short and long term strategies, and any other input anyone might have about anger.

In most aspects of my life, I am almost ridiculously passive, and have never been prone to anger or violence. Having been raised in a horribly violent household, I have always been almost phobically terrified of being like my father, and would normally prefer to do anything other than express anger. Obviously, healthy anger expression is necessary, and I have no doubt that my inability to have achieved much of that to date is part of the problem. I guess what I'm saying is that I do have some understanding of what is causing this problem, but less understanding of what to do about it or how to keep it from turning into a huge issue. I'm turning into someoneI don't want to be...

Maddog

 

[Philippa]

I'm sorry to hear that maddog. It's scary when we start recognizing aspects of our parents coming out in ourselves...especially when they are aspects we dread and fear. Please try and forgive yourself for any outbursts, and know it isn't your basic nature or desire to be that way.

 

[intrasearching]

I am really struggling to achieve a sense of calm. Every day I feel constantly scared, sad, frustrated.

I have zero self worth and so regardless of how apparent it is that my partner loves me I cannot accept it. I feel constantly guilty like I am a bad person and that makes any form of social interaction scary. If someone says something or behaves in a way that is ambiguous to me or suggests displeasure or rejection I feel pain and am put on even higher alert than I am already on anyway.

I just want to have one day where I can be free of fear, sadness, guilt and frustration. I have been blessed with an extremely dedicated and true love and I squander it every day by worrying about how I might lose it or mess it up, or how it might not actually exist at all because who could really love me anyway!

I am sorry if I complain a lot on here. I have felt so fortunate to find this forum because for years I felt like I was crazy, like I should just be able to calm down and stop worrying and feeling tense all the time. There are so many of you here who share my experiences and that really helps me...

Feeling worthless, guilty and scared. I am in therapy but the trauma started so early and was so extreme that I wonder if I can ever really get any better. I have good moments where my partner and I have fun for most of the day and laugh together, share romance together, but I have yet to experience a whole day where I don't express my fear of frustration at some point, losing my tongue and telling her that I am sorry for being so sensitive and that she should break up with me if she can't handle it and that I am really trying... It feels like every day I am "really trying" but I manage to make myself less pleasant than I would if I had total control. I just want to be kind and fun so that the love that people profess to me could make more seem or seem justified. How could someone love me when I am such a mess all the time, and so reserved?

 

[nursenurse]

Because there are those of us who can see beyond the fears, the self hatred, the sadness, and into the true soul of the person. Don't get me wrong, it is difficult at times, and I am not sure what the future holds.

Do not put words into her mouth, do not ever assume to know how she is feeling, or what she is thinking. That is deadly in any relationship. I don't know how you break that cycle of negativity, see yourself for the worthwhile person that you are. Your T will help. Remember, though, it took along time to get to where you are. If you are in a negative space, it will take a bit to get out of it, or at least get to a manageable level.

Don't give up on the therapy. Wanting good things for yourself takes action. Patience, and more patience. Better times will come.