Anger/ rage / shame

[Faketan]

I'm really struggling to deal with my anger. I'm irratated and often shouting at my partner and arguing. My chest feels like it wants to explode with pain.

I tried explaining to my partner that I'm feeling this way and I need more compassion and care from him, but he is just incapable of doing it as he is so bitter towards me. One of the reasons I'm lashing out is I'm trying to be understood I think but feel I'm just being attacked (unsure if i am or not).what ever I seem to do thought only masks the anger then an hour later I'm back where I started.

I had a small traumatic time last week and believe that's why I am feeling partly this way. I have not been triggered like this for a few months now and I don't know how to cope with it.

Would really like to hear some understanding and tips on how to sustain peace.

 

[EveHarrington]

My suggestion is to take as much space as you need and disengage the moment you feel your temper rising.

 

[somerandomguy]

I agree with Eve. The typical way to deal with angry feelings at/with a partner is to disengage. Go into another room. Leave the house if necessary.

 

[whiteraven]

My suggestion is to take as much space as you need and disengage the moment you feel your temper...

I get this sometimes (a lot these days) and I have trouble disengaging because it comes on so quickly.

@Faketan - wondering how it is for you?

 

[Friday]

One of the reasons I'm lashing out is I'm trying to be understood I think but feel I'm just being attacked (unsure if i am or not).

BIG trick - Don’t seek internal regulation from outside sources.

Yelling at your partner isn’t going to make you feel better. The yelling in and of itself might, in the whole venting stress piece, but yelling at him because you want him to do something to make you feel better? Is just going to backfire on you.

If you want to talk to him? Talk to him.

If you want to lash out at him? Take yourself off to cool down before talking to him. Even if that happens in the middle of talking to him. When your anger kicks up, that’s for you to deal with, not him. No matter how justified you feel in the moment. Correction, especially if you feel justified in the moment.

If you need to yell? Go yell. Away from him. And, HUGE trick, not “at” him even when you’re in the middle of the woods yelling at a tree. Directing your rage at him is the piece you want to break. It’s not his fault you’re mad. It’s not his fault you’re lashing out. It’s not his fault you’re having a hard time. Directing all your rage at him is usually going to be one of those misplaced anger, PTSD avoidance things, unless there’s something you’re legitimately angry at. Lashing out and legitimate anger? Dont happen together. So that’s one clue, when it’s being out of control, rather than having an appropriate response.

 

[somerandomguy]

Thanks Friday, you just saved me from biting my wife's head off! Metaphorically, not literally.

 

[WokeorJoke]

I'm really struggling to deal with my anger. I'm irratated and often shouting at my partner and arguing...

I have this same problem often and my partner tells me to just drop it and I think it means he doesn't care but today I realised he just doesn't know how to make me feel better and anything he does say makes it worse by accident so it is more like him begging me to relax but I take it the wrong way because of the mindset I am in and I can't shake it untill I cause real damage that makes me stop and realise I am the one who is in the wrong and not understanding him because I'm an too focused on feeling bad and can't shake it.