Anger Turned To Violence Please Help

[nursenurse]

Okay, here goes. I am not sure that hitting you in the baby maker could be classified as proper retribution for being hit with a double cheeseburger. So here's the thing. You both need individual and couples' guidance - encourage her to seek her own counsellor. She over reacted by losing it over a cheeseburger. You over reacted by tossing the burger at her, she hit you elsewhere, etc. etc. Both of you played a role and each needs to take responsibility for his/her own actions and reactions, without blaming the other. Can it be fixed? Only time will tell, but the fact that you are here looking for help is a good sign. Leave the room, you have that choice. As does she. Never follow her, and she should never follow you. Cool down, talk later. Have this discussion before there is a next time, what either of you will do when the situation is getting out of hand. Then stick to it, which is easier said than done, but you have to keep trying. Good luck! It is a long and hard process, but with help and determination, you can get through.

 

[nursenurse]

In most marriages that I know, the biggest arguments are over the stupidest things.....

 

[Queen Boudica]

oh please don't go the she provoked him crap. REALLY,

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PROVOKING. If you hit her it is your responsibility. You walk away. No excuse. No matter what went on. You are an adult, And ptsd is NOT an excuse neither is whatever she was doing

 

[Ed Norton]

No comment

 

[Queen Boudica]

Of course not. This underlying buddy buddy thing with men that you don't talk about it but it is OK to hit a woman if she provokes you and we all know it is OK crap.

 

[Ed Norton]

I didn't say that

 

[Queen Boudica]

And just think about it this way. You took a can and hit her ON THE HEAD. You hit her in the right place hard enough you could have killed her.

 

[Ed Norton]

It wasn't an appropriate response, nobody, including the OP, said that.
It's not a reason to abandon all hope either. There were several solutions given in the thread. I don't think it's time for divorce court. Her behavior was not appropriate either. When that happens to me, I leave.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I never said it was time for divorce but really if you even have a hint of she was provoking him as an excuse (and yes I can see her behaviour was not good at all, and counselling is needed) then in the moment of rage, when your head isn't thinking properly that excuse takes over and justifies the violence. So don't go there. Only thing in your head if you get that idea that she is provoking you or you feel that rage coming on, is to walk away fast. Because otherwise it is just too automatic. And hitting on the head, why go for the head? Maximum impact, can cause death. That is some rage.

 

[Jnean]

Your reaction with aggression and rage is what you should work on I think. If she wants to save marriage too, she also needs to work on her anger too. I do think you should leave the house when you think you are going to hit her with a cheeseburger or a can. I do think you both need to recognize that violence is not the answer whether or not she was pissing you off or not. We are only hearing your side and I don't want to take sides but I read it and really only saw that you hit her in my mind. From my past experience I'm sure so I can't comment anymore on this post.

 

[Ed Norton]

He doesn't want a repeat and he's clearly remorseful for his actions. He came here for advice so that it won't occur again.

 

[nursenurse]

I don't think hitting someone in the cajones with a bottle is a great response to a cheeseburger assault. Not justifying his behaviour, both are at fault and it seems more equally than not. Men can be just as abused as women. She should not have hit him. He should not have hit her. With cheeseburgers, bottles or cans. Never mind fists. Her head was not thinking properly either, and trust me, she could have done a lot of damage too. She could have walked away. He could have walked away. Neither did. Both guilty. But he is here asking for help, and seeing a counsellor, according to his post. If they both want to work it out, they may have a chance provided ground rules are set and adhered to. She needs to seek help as well, something many supporters have to do to maintain their relationships.