Anger Turned To Violence Please Help

[Queen Boudica]

You know what it is very simple. Take away Who did what here. Treat it as this Don't care what she did or said he should walk away. He is responsible for his actions here. What she did is irrelevant to what he should've done. And that is it. And yes throwing food at someone is an aggressive violent action. I just think there is a whole of confusion that because there was an argument and she was nagging and she threw her food. Don't care. Until you start treating this as it is a deadly situation there will always be this underlying current. Don't care what she did. She is not here asking for help. He is. He should walk away. That is it. Doesn't matter what went on. Walk away. All I here are excuses and that is why violence continues. Oh she was violent too so it is understandable. He is asking what he should do. There is no excuse don't care what she did said, he is responsible for his actions. He can't control her. In that situation he should have walked away, as soon as she threw the food or earlier. And yes he could have killed her, I doubt very much he just tapped her on the head with his can. simple as that. It is simple walk away.

 

[Sighs]

Surely that applies to her just as much. She should have walked away rather than hit him.

I'm not excusing or justifying what he did in hitting her - just pointing out that she also hit him. You seem to be saying that regardless of the fact that she hit him with a weapon in a particularly sensitive area she is not at fault in any way. Again, to be clear - I am not saying she deserved to be hit on the head. I'm simply pointing out that both of them had lost their self control to the point of physical violence. Clearly, both of them need professional help.

 

[Ed Norton]

Throwing the food was not appropriate, it was not a good thing to do. Everyone's in agreement with that. Walking away is best

 

[Queen Boudica]

Yes it applies to her as well. But he is asking what he can do. Not her. that is just complicating it and looking for excuses. His responsibility is for himself to walk away. Nothing else matters. Full stop in that situation. He said he felt the rage rise up that was when he should have walked away. He has PTSD and he needs to manage his symptoms. Going to counselling is good. She should have walked away too. But he asked what he can do and it is simple, don't find any excuse that because she was doing this this and this he can hit her. No just walk away.

 

[Ed Norton]

I think that it's agreed upon that he should have left. If I were hit in the balls I'd probably backhand the person immediately. He escalated it then she escalated it and it got out of control. I think that it's beating a dead horse now.

 

[Friday]

@bigguy

Something else that also helps me, in addition to the emotional monitoring and regulation up on the Anger thread, and stress minding in the PTSD Cup Explanation is something I drilled into my kiddo so much it's become part of my standard operating procedure.

ANY time I'm unhappy with a situation where I am either at fault, or share fault, I have to pose/answer 4 Q's. <grin> They were / are our ticket off time out. The big trick with these is that they have to be answered unemotionally :p Meaning cooled down enough not to launch right back into het up, and rational enough not to be all woe is me, world is ending, beating myself up, catastrophizing, etc.

1. What happened? ...I threw food at my wife.

2. Why did it happen? ...I was angry (& blank & blank, if more to it... Hurt/ ashamed/ belittled/ attacked/ insulted/ not treated as well as the dog/ triggered/ whatever it is that makes up the "why").

3. What are at least two things I can do differently next time?

((Because there will always be a next time. Not in the "what", necessarily, but in the "why". There absolutely has to be 2+ options here. Simply walk away ain't good enough. Because there will be times when that isn't possible. Like when driving, or racing with a sick kid to the bathroom, or being chased, or threatened, or, or, or.

Woulda/Coulda/Shoulda almost always only ever gives 1 answer, and it's idealized in nearly every case (like "should have left", when plain and simple that isn't always possible, much less the best idea at the time). Looking for 2+ not only makes your brain work past the guilt to find real solutions... But when push comes to shove next time? You aren't stuck with only 1 thing to do that plain and simple won't work. If you can come up with 36 things? Awesome! Bust out the list. Feel free to include things that may (or may not) be still-bad-ideas, that are better in your own estimation that what you're unhappy with. Like calling her a bitch, instead of throwing stuff at her. Or go buy yourself an all new lunch, elsewhere, on your own & say f*ck saving money. Bad ideas often lead to good ideas... When you're brainstorming.))

4. How can I put it right? (Or as right as can be?)

 

[bigguy]

@bigguy

Something else that also helps me, in addition to the emotional monitori...

@fridadyjones I appreciate the 4Qs but now it seems that in regards to number 4. There isn't anything to make it right unless she would agree to talk and figure out what happens next except for separation and divorce

 

[bigguy]

So as of right now I'm kicked out of the house and been told that we're done and nothing can change it. I wanted everyone to know. I'm not a violent person naturally. Ever since the accident little things make me go from 0-pissed off in about 2 seconds. The only thing we've worked with is breathing techniques to help control the anxiety. Now I have to figure out how to control these triggers and if there's a chance prove to my wife that I can control them if that's at all possible.

 

[joeylittle]

if there's a chance prove to my wife that I can control them if that's at all possible.

It's OK to focus on just proving it to yourself.

 

[Queen Boudica]

@bigguy, has your psychologist explained triggers? You can't control the trigger, a trigger is a trigger a 'reminder' of that accident. When you say accident, was this a car accident? Because I don't understand how what happened in the house was a trigger then? So I suspect you need to be explained more about triggers. What you can learn to control is your rage. Triggers, you can't control they just happen, it is the reaction to them that is the problem. What do you think the trigger was in this situation? How did that link to the accident? Anxiety and triggers are different things.


You can learn to control your rage. It sounds more like your stress cup was full, more than a trigger to me. So breathing techniques would help, but you also need to learn about anger management, because it is easy to fly off the handle when you are really stressed.

So I would read up on here about triggers and stress management and talk about all of this with your psychologist and specifically ask for help in these areas. Breathing is just a start.

Are you taking any meds to help with this? That is another option, to help with the anxiety. (I was so anti meds for a long time, but in the end I had to take them, it helps).

I would see if your wife is willing to go with you to the psychologist and have explained about stress in someone with PTSD and if she is willing to go to counselling with you. I would be asking your psychologist for help in writing a letter to your wife maybe. But don't try and force anything. In the meantime work on yourself. She'll either come round or not.

 

[bigguy]

@bigguy, has your psychologist explained triggers? You can't control the trigger, a trig...

I worked maintenance at a chicken processing plant and me and another guy were having to take chickens off the conveyor line while 2 more maintenance guys tried to fix a machine. We'll my thumb was caught in a shackle (that holds the chicken by their feet) and I was drug off the ladder about 30 feet down the line. While screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to stop it. They finally stopped the line as I stood up on top of a box fan that was underneath the line. I was able to get my thumb free and when I did the box fan fell out from under me and I landed on my back on top of the fan. Since then I've been in surgery to repair my thumb and PT since August. The problem us that the psychologist has mainly been trying to help get the anxiety under control. This argument that led to everything is the first one we've had since the accident. I guess it's just been building up over time.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Have you got a diagnosis of PTSD for this? Just if this happened in August? That is too soon for a PTSD diagnosis I think. I could be wrong, but that is what I thought. Others could comment on that one.

If you get the right help for the anxiety, then that would help a lot. If you are unable to work that would explain the financial stress, are you getting compensation for the accident? I think focus on working on the anxiety and anger control. If you don't have PTSD that is good, but I think you need lots of help to deal with this. Are you in pain due to back damage or the operation, important to get pain management under control if you are?

If this argument is the first after the accident, then is this argument unusual compared to ones before the accident, i.e. would you not have exploded in rage before but you still had the same sort of arguments, is the financial stress causing more friction? Financial stress is a big burden on top of everything else.