Anger Turned To Violence Please Help

[Friday]

Now I have to figure out how to control these triggers .

It depends on whether it was stress cup overflow, or triggers/stressors, or both. Most of Stress Cup management will be in the 2 links (PTSD Cup explanation esp)... In bleeding off stress so that "a toilet paper roll on backwards" doesn't immediately kick into WWIII !

Triggers & stressors, meanwhile, are things that we have to intentionally blunt over time (totally possible! :D) instead of "simply" (Ha!) managing our stress. One of the first steps there is Identifying triggers & stressors as they pop, so you can both be aware of them & work on them. Triggers & stressors can literally be anything... The way the sun happens to hit the grass, to a cologne you or someone else was wearing, to an emotion you were feeling. Any kind of sensory input from either the accident itself, directly before the accident, or directly after. Something you're brain has linked to OMFG!!!! DefCon 1!!!! and that we have to gradually UN-link. Good news is that's totally possible! Bad news it it generally takes time. :wtf:

Examples of what may have triggered you (or may not affect you at all... Just to get you started thinking) :

- If you were screaming & other people were shouting? It's very possible that you will kick into / trigger off any time you're shouting or raising your voice, or someone is shouting at you. The "fix" on this (and all triggers & stressors) will not be to avoid them, but to build your way back up to having a normal response instead of a trauma response. So raising your voice / or having other people raise theirs at you... On purpose... Gradually... Until you are in complete control no matter what volume is come out your own mouth or anyone else's.

- If you or someone else flipped a dog a scrap of food right before the accident, or you saw someone do it as they were loading you into the ambulance, etc.

- If someone was following you & berating you right before the accident.

- If you'd had an argument about money, or had been thinking about it right as the accident happened.

- If the news on the radio in the car mentioned factory or farm equipment accidents

- If the squak of the drive through speaker was the same as the one on the factory floor

- If your wife was wearing the same perfume that day as the EMT who loaded you up, or you'd had a burger for lunch that day and still smelled the grease, or, or, or..

There are literally hundreds of tiny details to glaringly obvious (in retrospect) things a person can trigger over. When it hits? We kick into fight/flight mode & waaaaaaaay overreact physiologically (and therefore also mentally/emotionally) to a situation. It may feel very random, and very uncontrollable in the beginning; but the more you pay attention the less random things will become, and the more we are able to manage our stress & blunt triggers.

 

[Friday]

There isn't anything to make it right unless she would agree to talk and figure out what happens next except for separation and divorce

Making something right, or as right as it can be, isn't about forgiveness or getting a good outcome. It's, honestly, exactly what you're doing... Working on getting your reactions under control... Is a big damn part of putting losing your temper right.

 

[seedling]

That is too soon for a PTSD diagnosis I think.

When I was diagnosed 5 years ago my psychologist gave me the official diagnosis after I had seen him for a month. I believe then it was that the symptoms had lasted longer than that (as observed by a professional). I started seeing him 4 months after my trauma.

RE: Triggers:

I had a hard time understanding my triggers until I realized that my adult trauma brought up an early childhood trauma that had triggers of its own. No one yelled or was angry in my adult trauma but those are huge triggers for me.
It can take a while to understand what's going on at first.
Just hang in there, I admire your willingness to be here and put it out there for others to help you with.

 

[bigguy]

Making something right, or as right as it can be, isn't about forgiveness or getting a good outcome....

@FridayJones you definitely hit the nail on the head. That's what I'm having to figure out right now...all the little triggers that can set the anxiety off. The one thing I don't really understand is why is something so miniscule before seem like such a huge obstacle now. The "normal" part of my mind questions all the time "why is that freaking you out? Your an idiot for letting this or that get to you." It's definitely interesting in my head to say the least

 

[Ronin]

Well @bigguy, it's happening though - it doesn't sound like berating yourself for it happening is going to get you anywhere? More useful questions could be how to make it freak you out less, or what specifically / what part of the thing, is freaking you out, estimating its danger level, and working from there, but this split in reasoning just isn't useful when you've got a situation at hand to sort (as your being triggered). You'll have always time to tell yourself you're an idiot later.

... and the thing is you're not an idiot. Your brain's doing the best it gdamn can to protect you against perceived danger. It's not nonsensical. That the danger isn't there now and isn't as huge as perceived is a different question.

 

[The Albatross]

To me, the elephant in the room is the partner's inability to communicate a concern over expenses/finances to the point that she blows up over a 2 dollar over her un-vocalized budget hamburger.

Communication is paramount in marriage. I had to work on this independently and also with my spouse... because I was the partner who had quite a lot of expectation for behavior but had the unrealistic expectation that my spouse would "know" (by osmosis or some other means apparently) what I wanted, needed, desired... without discussion or vocalizing it. All after that became reactionary tit for tats... and not always verbal sparring either.

I also agree that removing yourself from the situation is by far preferable than engaging or reacting or retaliating in that kind of dysfunction. So to me, in tandem with the post traumatic emotional dysregulation that you've been experiencing big guy, the manner in which the Mrs. has heretofore expressed herself with regards to needs/wants/desires is not appropriate anymore. No more status quo for a time at least, and change or improvement is required with regard to her communication style habits and behaviors as well as yours to accommodate the new situation.

 

[bigguy]

So just an update. Things are quieter on the home front thanks to all of you and long discussion with my wife. I have a lot to work on and with your support and the understanding of my Rock we will definitely get everything figured out to be able to function like a more cohesive partnership.

 

[seedling]

Always glad to hear good news and progress!

 

[PoopyPTSD]

If you say this usually doesn't happen, I see two things that could fuel it. One, she might have fear where she almost lost you. Fear can make someone want to control. With you, I think you are angry at what happened to you and feel victimized. Also, that you live your life and you almost lost it, you are hell bent that no one is going to tell you what to do. You feel this is your life, the one that you won back. In my experience the only thing you can do besides working closely with your therapist, is realize where it's coming from and honestly you need to mourn what you almost lost. Cry it out, go out and take sticks and hit trees. Just make a pack with yourself to always keep your family safe no matter what, and take your leave when you have to. Hope this helps

 

[Gary Brents]

First of all you both were at fault. Violence on the other hand is not a normal result of PTSD, but frustration is.
You agree with the need of therapy for yourself, as well as Couple therapy. I think maybe the wife might be suffering from caretaker stress issues that might be fueling some of this. I'm not a therapist, but I suffer from severe complex PTSD, ( Military connected).

One thing I found out was that most PTSD sufferers and caretaker family members blurr boundaries, both personal and relationship boundaries. Your frustration with your therapists boundaries might show you something is out of sync.

There are resources that you and your family can access to help with support issues and needs when your therapists are not available.

Don't take all the blame on this but you are just as accountable and responsible as she is. Call the National Crisis Hotline for resources and support. Know that these services are not just for suicide prevention, but are also for support when someone feels they need to defuse potentially deeper crisis.


Again, I am not a therapist, or Doctor. I am sharing some information that I have experienced. But dont take all the blame. Just understand that you might have to keep from pointing any fingers, and let that to thee therapist.

 

[Sandstone]

nd when we got home she asked our son if we had ever ordered a double.

No-one has mentioned that there is a child being dragged int this. t's unfair to use him in an argument and it's abusive to expose him to physical violence.
Maybe he can become your motivation to make changes

 

[Changing4Best]

I agree that you need to leave the house for a good long time, like at least overnight if anything like this even in the slightest way simmers within you at all. You need to get her agreement that she will not follow you if you do so in the future and that she will do her best to handle her own anger by whatever means so that when you return to the house she is willing to put "it" behind her and move on (and that you will do the same).

I think you both need therapy, both separately and together after that. That is if the marriage can be salvaged at all.