General Anger...

[mommato2]

So yea I'm angry.
I seem to be recognizing a trend. When I need him he can't help..there is an excuse...but a friend needed him so he rushed off to him at the drop of a hat. I feel I am literally going crazy having NO INTIMACY at all (and no...I mean bonding etc not just sex) and having a hard time with the kids etc and I pour my heart out and he can't do anyting for me..but a friend needs him and he is there.
We were suposed to go to a marriage seminar...I asked him he said yes he'd go. Then he doesn't want to go bearound people...I understand...but then he goes to he crowded smoky bar around people instead. I can't tell you how this broke my heart. I am not sure I am strong enough for this. I feel very fragile and unloved right now.

How do we know if it is truly a PTSD thing or an "I just don't care about you" thing?

 

[dandi]

Hey mommato2,

That really stinks... and sounds all too familiar to me. My theory is that people tend to take it out more on their immediate loved ones when they're not feeling well a) because they know they can be completely honest/themselves around them, even if that means being antisocial or unhelpful for the moment; b) because to a person who's not feeling well and needing to be in control, immediate family can look like part of the environment/circumstances curbing their control. Everyone knows too much about each other and demands "too much." Friends can be a welcome way to escape and feel accepted on a more superficial basis. They haven't seen the person at his/her worst yet.

That's not supposed to be an excuse, just an idea why he may be doing it. It's most likely not that he doesn't care about you. Of course it's not fair to you, and he probably knows that, too. I'd try to find a moment when you can talk peacefully, then renegotiate. Maybe divide up your responsibilities differently, talk some stuff through, possibly talk about the marriage seminar again. My feeling is if he really can't handle the group, that's fine and you can see about alternatives, but if he agrees to give it a try, he should make an honest effort to show up and do it. And beyond what you can divide up among yourselves, see if you can get support with your household, the kids, etc. elsewhere. It's not the same, but will free you up a little and prevent you getting too resentful of your husband and the whole situation.

I'm going through some similar problems with my husband right now. The whole control thing seems to be super important with PTSD, and given the background, it only makes sense. At the same time, the carer doesn't have to sit on the other end of it either, continually giving in and changing plans. This is still a marriage, and both partners should be respectful of each other. If he is unwilling to pitch in to the best of his abilities even after you've talked about both your expectations and responsibilities, then I'd say that goes beyond PTSD symptoms. I hope that's not the case! :-)

 

[mommato2]

Thank you for your reply!
we had a chance to talk this weekend... and we talked a lot :-)
I guess we will hit these road blocks along the way...and then just need to find time and energy to talk about it ...wears me out! !!