I need to vent, but I also need to know what people think. Am I over-reacting? I am sure I am, but at the same time, I am feeling very upset and don't feel comfortable going to see this psychiatrist again, because I think he doesn't get it at all. Bellow is why. Its a bit long and tedious, but in a nutshell I feel like he doesn't think that my trauma was traumatic enough for me to be affected by it. I also felt like he insinuated that I enjoyed my exhusband's abuse and I need to say I DID NOT.
This is what happened during the visit. He asked me why I have PTSD. I said my father was abusive, my ex-husband was a sexual sadist (I said this, because I thought that way he’ll get the gist and I won’t have to go into details), I almost starved as a kid and there was some political pressure.
He started to ask questions. He asked me how my father was abusive if he hit me for punishment and if its normal in the Czech culture to beat children for punishment. I told him that it didn’t matter with my father whether I behaved or not, he would just explode and just demolish what came to his path. That yes, people in Czech beat children for punishment, but not like that. (Plus, why the f*** should that matter?
He asked me if I had bruises after my father beat me. The f*** I know if I had bruises. I only remember seeing bruises on my sister, when my father was making fun of it, I don’t know if I had bruises. I don’t remember seeing any. He asked me what my father used to beat me. I don't understand why that is a relevant question. I know what he beat me with and I could have told him, but how is him knowing what my father beat me with going to help my therapy!?
Then he said that saying that my ex-husband was a sexual sadist are strong words and asked me what my ex did. He seemed to be hung up on the fetishes that people associate with S&M, like wips and other stuff that I don’t remember because I got too embarassed and blanked out. I think he assumed that my ex and I were into S&M. He did not seem to get that I was not in on the joke, that I was not into being hurt. He also seemed unaware that his questions might be upsetting to me, plus I think he has no idea what a real sadist is like. You know, the type that hurts you and then asks you in a really nice voice: “poor baby, what happened to you?”
He asked me if my ex hit me. I told him it wasn’t like that. He wanted to know specifics, so I told him that he hurt me in bed. He still wasn’t happy with that. He asked if I had bruises again. I only remember one instance that I noticed bruises and I also remember being pretty shocked seeing them. It was when I was taking shower after the last time. But I couldn’t even tell him that. I said I don’t remember if I had bruises, maybe on my legs. I didn’t want to talk about it, but at the same time I felt like I am supposed to tell him something.
So I told him how my ex ****ed me to the wall and beat my head to it. He just said, oh, he beat your head to the wall. Like if that was a perfectly natural thing to do to your wife. He was my husband. He was supposed to be nice to me, no? Then the psychiatrist made a point of telling me that some people who grow up in abusive environment find pleasure in pain. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I am back with my ex, him messing with my head and me so ashamed. I could feel my face burning. I did not enjoy being hurt god ****ing dammit. I don’t see why I should explain that to my psychiatrist
I said, right, some people do . I said that I just don’t go there. I didn’t manage to really stand up for myself. I was really unprepared for this.
Then he asked me if I have nightmares. I said no. I used to have nightmares and they subsided after a few years in therapy. Other things did not though, so I still need help. But I felt like I am not fitting this psychiatrist's definition of PTSD. I felt like he had an idea of what a PTSD sufferer should look like and I didn’t fit.
I am not interested in pretending I am something else than I am. Things are hard as they are, I don’t need to have nightmares or remember bruises. I’d like to see HIM getting hurt by someone he loves and trusts when he's the most vulnerable. How HE would enjoy that.
I was surprised by the interaction. I had a lot of expectations of this psychiatrist, but I don't think this guy can relate. I felt confused and ashamed about the stuff he made me talk about and kind of dirtied when his reaction was not empathetic. Like, why the hell did I open my mouth. I felt sort of guilty, too, because maybe I was supposed to be all broken up that I was abused and cry and shake. I was feeling really good before I went there, the fog lifted on Tue and I've been very clear in my head and present. Maybe he thought that's not what I should be like
I appreciate any input. I thought it might be healthy for me to try a male psychiatrist and also he is supposed to be a specialist in eating disorders, anxiety disorders and career counceling, so I thought, he could give me really good advice. But right now I don't think so. Am I off base? Anyone ever felt like their psychiatrist was minimizing or dismissing their traumatic experiences? Did it get better with a second visit?
Thank you,
Bluecat
This is what happened during the visit. He asked me why I have PTSD. I said my father was abusive, my ex-husband was a sexual sadist (I said this, because I thought that way he’ll get the gist and I won’t have to go into details), I almost starved as a kid and there was some political pressure.
He started to ask questions. He asked me how my father was abusive if he hit me for punishment and if its normal in the Czech culture to beat children for punishment. I told him that it didn’t matter with my father whether I behaved or not, he would just explode and just demolish what came to his path. That yes, people in Czech beat children for punishment, but not like that. (Plus, why the f*** should that matter?
He asked me if I had bruises after my father beat me. The f*** I know if I had bruises. I only remember seeing bruises on my sister, when my father was making fun of it, I don’t know if I had bruises. I don’t remember seeing any. He asked me what my father used to beat me. I don't understand why that is a relevant question. I know what he beat me with and I could have told him, but how is him knowing what my father beat me with going to help my therapy!?
Then he said that saying that my ex-husband was a sexual sadist are strong words and asked me what my ex did. He seemed to be hung up on the fetishes that people associate with S&M, like wips and other stuff that I don’t remember because I got too embarassed and blanked out. I think he assumed that my ex and I were into S&M. He did not seem to get that I was not in on the joke, that I was not into being hurt. He also seemed unaware that his questions might be upsetting to me, plus I think he has no idea what a real sadist is like. You know, the type that hurts you and then asks you in a really nice voice: “poor baby, what happened to you?”
He asked me if my ex hit me. I told him it wasn’t like that. He wanted to know specifics, so I told him that he hurt me in bed. He still wasn’t happy with that. He asked if I had bruises again. I only remember one instance that I noticed bruises and I also remember being pretty shocked seeing them. It was when I was taking shower after the last time. But I couldn’t even tell him that. I said I don’t remember if I had bruises, maybe on my legs. I didn’t want to talk about it, but at the same time I felt like I am supposed to tell him something.
So I told him how my ex ****ed me to the wall and beat my head to it. He just said, oh, he beat your head to the wall. Like if that was a perfectly natural thing to do to your wife. He was my husband. He was supposed to be nice to me, no? Then the psychiatrist made a point of telling me that some people who grow up in abusive environment find pleasure in pain. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I am back with my ex, him messing with my head and me so ashamed. I could feel my face burning. I did not enjoy being hurt god ****ing dammit. I don’t see why I should explain that to my psychiatrist
I said, right, some people do . I said that I just don’t go there. I didn’t manage to really stand up for myself. I was really unprepared for this.
Then he asked me if I have nightmares. I said no. I used to have nightmares and they subsided after a few years in therapy. Other things did not though, so I still need help. But I felt like I am not fitting this psychiatrist's definition of PTSD. I felt like he had an idea of what a PTSD sufferer should look like and I didn’t fit.
I am not interested in pretending I am something else than I am. Things are hard as they are, I don’t need to have nightmares or remember bruises. I’d like to see HIM getting hurt by someone he loves and trusts when he's the most vulnerable. How HE would enjoy that.
I was surprised by the interaction. I had a lot of expectations of this psychiatrist, but I don't think this guy can relate. I felt confused and ashamed about the stuff he made me talk about and kind of dirtied when his reaction was not empathetic. Like, why the hell did I open my mouth. I felt sort of guilty, too, because maybe I was supposed to be all broken up that I was abused and cry and shake. I was feeling really good before I went there, the fog lifted on Tue and I've been very clear in my head and present. Maybe he thought that's not what I should be like
I appreciate any input. I thought it might be healthy for me to try a male psychiatrist and also he is supposed to be a specialist in eating disorders, anxiety disorders and career counceling, so I thought, he could give me really good advice. But right now I don't think so. Am I off base? Anyone ever felt like their psychiatrist was minimizing or dismissing their traumatic experiences? Did it get better with a second visit?
Thank you,
Bluecat
