Angry With Myself That I Avoided Car Accident

[catjudo]

I've been in a pretty severe depression lately. I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts. My psychiatrist is aware and we're communicating openly about it. He made another change to my medication this week and I've promised to hang in there as long as I can to give it a chance to work...if I feel like I can't hang on any longer, I've promised to call him for help.

Probably the only thing that gives me strength to hold on is my daughter. As much as I try to be a good mother, she deserves better than I'm able to give her right now. It's easy to let the distortions in my brain convince me that she'd be better off without me. But I'm also aware of the pain it would cause her to know that I chose death over being with her.

Then there's this morning. On my way home from dropping her off at school I was almost in a head on collision that would have been very severe. Probably life ending. A car traveling in the opposite direction of me was passing vehicles at a high rate of speed (double solid line, on a hill). That car was in my lane, heading straight for me and going so fast. Instinct and driver training kicked in and I swerved off into the ditch on the side of the road to avoid the collision. After seeing me swerve, the truck behind me also swerved off the road. If he hadn't he would have gotten hit by the wrong way driver.

Once the incident was over it occurred to me...I should have just let that head on collision happen. It was a high rate of speed. I drive a tiny little car. Not only would there have been a head on collision but likely the truck behind me wouldn't have realized they needed to get out of the way until it was too late and my car would have been sandwiched between the wrong way driver and the truck behind me. But I'm actually pretty sure just that head on collision would have been fatal, even if the car behind me got out of the way in time and wasn't involved. I don't care how many air bags are in my car, at that rate of speed, there wouldn't have been much of my car left. I could have let it all end this morning. My pain would have been over AND my daughter wouldn't live with the idea that I didn't love her enough to stay alive. A car accident that was caused by another driver would have seemed completely out of my control.

I missed my easy way out of this. I'm so pissed at myself. That's probably not a good thing.

 

[Little Flower]

O catjudo. That's ur depression talking. I have a daughter too n I could never ever leave her without a mom What you were thinking was irrational Your daughter deserves you. She doesn't love some foster mom. She loves you. You love you too. Your instinct worked beautifully and I hope no one was injured.
I don't know you personally, but somehow we are here because of similar problems. What you say youre feeling may be your serious depression
Please contact your doc or T and let them know and coming here is a great step toward helping yourself and your daughter. Be thankful she is not grieving for you today. I am.
Peace

 

[risingsun]

I swerved off into the ditch on the side of the road to avoid the collision.

A part of you wants to live as you attempted to save your life today. Hold on to that part. Your daughter would be devastated if something happened to you and she would spend her whole life filling that hole within her that would be left without you. But she would fill it with destruction.

Please stay in touch with your doctor/therapist and add in extra appointments if need be. But stay strong. Things will get better. Remember that. Remember that you're the only mother she has, problems or no problems. She loves you regardless. Peace be in your soul my friend. You have a purpose on this planet or that wreck would have happened. My prayers are with you. Warmest, Rising Sun.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I don't want to sound harsh but I think your being very selfish. I don't know your personal circumstances but everyone with PTSD is a sufferer and has coped with horrific traumas , to want to die and regret you didn't and then be pissed of by it seems pretty heartless.
As a mother to three boys I've suffered horrific traumas I'm my past and am still suffering and probably will do until I die , but that will be when my time is up , but what's kept me sane and the fight to live are my kids , I would never want them to bury me through my own selfish actions and leave them with heartache and without a mother. But that's because I'm a fighter and I won't let my abusers win.
I think you should reflect on your incident and thank The Lord that you are going to wake up to your daughter and she's not left grieving and traumatised by her loss. My personal opinion and I apologise if you have taken it the wrong way, but honesty is the best policy. I hope you the support from your dr and t, or google other ways to help you live and fight for your daughter . Eft and faster eft is a really good wY to deal with emotions etc and it's free on you tube . Good luck and I will pray that you will fight to survive , if not for you but for your daughter that you carried for 9 months and went through child birth to bring her into this world x good luck , chin up nd keep fighting x

 

[catjudo]

My personal opinion and I apologise if you have taken it the wrong way

I'm not sure how many ways there are to take the statement:

I think your being very selfish

And you're right, you

don't know your personal circumstances

In addition to having PTSD, I am also bipolar. There is more at play here than just coping with past traumas or googling a fast way to deal with emotions. No matter how much I deal with past traumas I will always have bipolar disorder. I am aware that the depression will get better. That it won't always be like this. But in some ways it will. Even though the depression will eventually get better, it will definitely happen again. As I get older the episodes happen more often and last longer before improving again. There is only so much that medication can do. There is only so much relentless pain that a person can deal with. In time a person begins to feel too tired and worn down to keep fighting.

I already said

the only thing that gives me strength to hold on is my daughter.

I'm also aware of the pain it would cause her to know that I chose death over being with her.

So when you sound like you're lecturing me about fighting for your kids, you're not telling me something that I haven't already thought of myself. And certainly trying to put me on a guilt trip for my thoughts isn't really helpful. I've already said that I've agreed to hang in there and if I feel like I can't then I will call for help. I don't need a guilt trip to make me feel worse about my thoughts and feelings. It isn't really helpful.

But that's because I'm a fighter and I won't let my abusers win.

I'm glad that you're able to be this strong. I am typically a very strong person as well, I'm just in a difficult place at the moment. It happens. But I do want to thank you for taking the time to respond. Hope you haven't taken anything I've said the wrong way.

 

[catjudo]

What you were thinking was irrational Your daughter deserves you.

You're right. Like I said in my original post, I know it is distortions in my brain brought on by the depression that allow me to think that she is better off without me. I tell myself over and over that depression lies. Sometimes it's just so easy to get worn down to the point that it's hard to remember that it really is all lies. After a while the distortions start to feel real. I know that's why it is important for me to reach out for support when I'm feeling weak and defeated.

Please stay in touch with your doctor/therapist and add in extra appointments if need be.

I do have extra appointments scheduled. My psychiatrist is also very accessible. I know he is just a phone call away if I need help.

Thank you both for your concern and supportive comments.

 

[Friday]

Roflmao... Oh @catjudo ... Been there so many damn times!!! So many. And I'm always so durn cross at myself!

In a very screwed up way... I sometimes feel as if I've discovered the key to immortality: Want to die. Then you're freaking bulletproof and invisible. It's the ones who want to live so dang badly that are taken out left, right, and center. It infuriates me, for both of us. How many times can I try and throw myself in harms way so that no one else has to die who wants to live? And walk away without a scratch? Vexing. Vexing. Vexing.

Yep. It's not healthy, and I know it.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't know your personal circumstances but everyone with PTSD is a sufferer and has coped with horrific traumas , to want to die and regret you didn't and then be pissed of by it seems pretty heartless.

To judge someone for their open and honest admission of pain and struggle seems to me to be pretty heartless as well.

But that's because I'm a fighter and I won't let my abusers win.

I don't think you understand the medical condition called Depression. The OP started her post with:

I've been in a pretty severe depression lately. I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts.

Implying that "being a fighter" can somehow beat a suicidal crisis is pretty hurtful. I understand that it's your opinion, but I've been in catjudo's shoes before, and I can assure you: she's fighting very, very hard already.

@catjudo, I just want to say that this level of self-awareness you are showing inside of a time of crisis is really inspiring.

Sometimes it's just so easy to get worn down to the point that it's hard to remember that it really is all lies. After a while the distortions start to feel real. I know that's why it is important for me to reach out for support when I'm feeling weak and defeated.

I never thought about it quite this way before, but yes - that defeated feeling does lead to a weakening of the normal defenses against distortions. Please remember, you're exerting a lot of energy - you're fighting against thoughts that you've had for what feels like forever - and it is exhausting, that's not an illusion. I hope you can try and be gentle with yourself and keep as many of the other daily challenges as simple as possible.

I once had an opportunity like what you are describing, and I remember the regret I felt. And how mad at myself I was. If it helps, you're not alone.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I think you will find that's post was my personal opinion, surely I'm entitled to an opinion! I was sectioned under the mental health act years ago with severe depression so in actual fact I do understand .

 

[shell]

I think it's fair to say many of us who have been severely depressed, can empathise with what you felt, and for me, I really can't understand why people believe it is selfish, I think it is an act of desperation, because it feels like nothing will make the pain end. It's just a thought, and for a moment it feels like an opportunity to meet everyones needs, that you don't get to feel pain, and that you wouldn't be responsible for hurting others. It's a get out of jail free card, and yes it feels frustrating that you didn't get to stop the pain.

Perhaps it would help to be caring and compassionate to yourself, and realize you possibily saved a life today, and while they were stupid and careless, at least their family won't go through the pain of losing a loved one.

So try not to beat your self up, it's just a thought, not an action because you have chosen to be here.

 

[catjudo]

Please remember, you're exerting a lot of energy - you're fighting against thoughts that you've had for what feels like forever - and it is exhausting, that's not an illusion.

Thank you for understanding this. I am trying. I am fighting this with everything that I have. But sometimes I get so worn down that I don't have much fight left. Then I start to worry that others will judge me and think I'm not trying hard enough when at that given moment it may not seem like I'm trying but I truly am giving it all that I have at THAT moment.

It's just a thought, and for a moment it feels like an opportunity to meet everyones needs, that you don't get to feel pain, and that you wouldn't be responsible for hurting others. It's a get out of jail free card, and yes it feels frustrating that you didn't get to stop the pain.

It did feel like I let an opportunity slip through my fingers. Like I said at the end of my original post, I knew that probably wasn't a good thing. But it still very much felt like that yesterday. It still kind of feels like that, but I'm thinking a bit more rationally about it now.

I really do want to thank those of you who have been supportive and understanding. It is helpful to feel like I'm not some terrible, horrible person because of my thoughts or feelings...that others have had similar thoughts and struggles. I'm sorry that anyone else has ever had to feel this way but it is somewhat comforting to know I'm not alone...to know others have made it through the pain.

 

[catjudo]

I think you will find that's post was my personal opinion, surely I'm entitled to an opinion.

You're right, everyone is entitled to their opinion. And I'm one of the first people to say that members shouldn't only say what others want to hear. But this was a thread looking for support more than opinions. Certainly, opinions can be okay. I'm just wondering what thought process led you to think that essentially name calling, insults and telling me I'm just not trying hard enough would be helpful to a person who is struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. Given the topic, I would think if a member is going to come in with a different opinion than others, it should at least have the potential to be helpful in some way. I just don't see that in your post. Sorry.