General Another 3 year push-pull story (also long)

[CharlotteB]

Hi Everyone, it's been a while! I just read ThorDogsOfThunder's Push/Pull thread below and I could have written it myself! I wanted to share my story but didn't want to jack her thread :)

I met my vet in October 2014. I first posted about it here: How Do You Control Your Own Emotions?.

Since then, we've been on and off. It always ends with him disappearing. Then after a few months, conversations slowly pick back up. Well, last year (almost exactly a year ago) I visited him in Texas (I live in Maryland). At that time, I hadn't seen him in almost a year but by the end of the weekend it was like we had never skipped a beat. The "I love you"s were flowing and I just knew we would work it out this time. We had talked through our issues. I immediately started looking up flights back. I had even started thinking about if I could find a job there. Fast forward 2 months, communication slipped, then nothing as always.

Then, in my usual fashion, I started sending him messages on snapchat randomly and we'd talk. Never about what happened. Just light conversation. However; we did discover that we, separately, had been doing some...self discovery. (I won't say what exactly but let's say it was like he's peanut butter and I'm jelly. I mean, c'mon universe!!!) A few months later, he was planning a trip to Maryland to visit family (not me specifically). I told him he could stay at my place instead of getting a hotel (jokingly said he could stay in the spare room).

Well he left last Monday after we had the best 4 days ever, I swear. We talked about our issues (again, many were repeats). The sex was absolutely amazing, as it always is. The "I love you"s were back. One night we passed out on opposite sides of the bed from being tired and I woke up with his arm stretched out just to touch me. The intimacy and chemistry is crazy intense. He took me to meet his grown son; to his grandmother's 80th birthday party; and to meet his sister. I had never met any of his family before. I asked him what he wanted / what are we doing? In a "matter of fact" tone, his response was the only other person to meet his sister was his ex-wife. When I dropped him off at the airport, we decided that more conversations were needed.

Before he got here I told myself not to get reattached. Just enjoy the time together because I know what happens next. But I don't listen lol. THIS time it's going to work. We really talked things through THIS time. He knows I'm ready to sell or rent my place to move to TX to be with him. I began making moves at work to be in a position to easily transition. When we're together it's just right. He is the male version of me. We "get" each other. It's effortless.

Two days ago, he informed me that he had been sort of seeing someone (not in a relationship). Which shouldn't have been a surprise. I mean it's been a year and I had been seeing other guys too. But I was pissed! Partially at him for not saying something during our in person talks and partially at myself. He said that he doesn't believe in forever, which he says I should know. Funny, THAT was more of a punch to the gut than him dating someone.

I love this man with all of my being...but I think it may be time for me to finally let him go. I don't want to but I think I have to. I feel like when we're not physically together, I'm always waiting for him to decide if he wants to be with me. Then on the other hand, he rarely sees his family but intentionally takes me to meet everyone?? It. Sucks. I'm so angry for being angry and hurt. This is nothing new. He was supposed to call me two days ago and last night. Now of course, he's gone ghost. I assume his stress cup is full but I'm still angry. I want to talk. I want to know what he wants.

I know I'll never fully understand how he thinks. Last year I told him about this site and the sister site for c-ptsd only. I'm not sure if he checked them out. I'm not sure if I should bring it up again. He's just so frustrating (and I've told him this).

Sorry. Just needed to vent. I'm tired of dumping on my best friend who just wants me to let it go. She and her husband are vets so she understands but I know she's tired of seeing me cycle with him.

 

[Snowflakes]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your post resonates with me. Gentle hug if appropriate and you accept.

 

[CharlotteB]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your post resonates with me. Gentle hug if appropriate and you...

I do thanks:hug:

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I’m so very sorry to hear of this. I myself have made the decision to finally let go and move on. My ex (sufferer) decided to break up with me over irrational thoughts and decisions. I tried waiting for a while and hoping that he would get through (what I thought was an episode). I found out that what he thought I did to him (betrayal) wasn’t at all true; just him creating reasons to leave. Anyone who can be so dismissive and feel the need to ghost or isolate, doesn’t care about you or even themselves to want to get the help to do better.

I now have concerns of even being his friend because he is so destructive and dangerous. I definitely can’t have anyone like that in my life. I wish you the best on moving on; I know it’s super hard; it definitely is for me. Just try to focus on your healing and giving to yourself. Hugs if appropriate.

 

[Buttercup]

You have been going through this a very long time. I think the distance plays a big factor. Makes it easier for him to pull away and not maintain or cultivate a relationship. It is difficult. As you have seen, every time you are with him your feelings grow and your expectations return.

If I were your best friend, I would also tell you to move on and cut all contact. If your were able to be more casual about it, that's a different story, but you have found that you are not able to do that with this guy. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel!

Sorry you have to go through this.

 

[Buttercup]

I also want to add that we can't always assume it's their stress cup playing into this if we can't see them or know what is going on with them.

 

[ThorDogof Thunder]

Hi :( You know I totally get it. My ex and I have had this cycle for so long. In our better moments, we've said that our "off" times are not really "off" because for the last three years we feel like we're always together--connected--in some way. And even after he breaks up with me, we always find our way back to being friends, then eventually back to being lovers. And the cycle continues.

But this time I feel more drained. I don't know what I could have done differently to make him stay. I made it clear that I understood his need to isolate and that that was ok with me. I said he could pull back as many times as he needed to, for as long as he needed too, and not worry about it--that I would be there when he came back. I have three kids, family here in D.C., a job I love, friends, and a second career as a novelist. That's to say--I'm busy, I have a support system, I did not depend on him for entertainment, or to make me feel needed, or to fulfill me. I just plain loved him. The only--ONLY--thing I said I wanted was for him to not sever the relationship when he needed to isolate. That is, take the time out, but don't break up with me. I needed ONLY for him to assure me that post-isolation he'd be back. That was the one thing I wanted. I guess it was too much to ask. He wants to continue a friendship, of course, but this time... I don't know. I don't want to continue this pattern. I hate it. And the idea of being his friend when/if he meets a new woman makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Now I've hijacked your thread! Sorry! This is all to say that I'm still struggling. I want this to be over. If he's not able to give me that one thing--to agree to just NOT break up, I want to be able to walk away knowing I did my best, that we are not to be, and move on to the next guy. But it's SO much harder than that. As you know. I'm still so in love with him. On some level, I always will be.

I've had several break-ups in my life, including a divorce after 16 years of marriage, and this is--hands down--harder than any of them. And every time he's broken up over these last three years has been completely devastating. I think that because it doesn't make sense. We're great together. We have fun, we have intense chemistry, we have so much in common, so why not just be together?? But the fact is that he simply doesn't see it that way. And that is a huge, cavernous, chasm that I guess we just can't cross. :(

I hope, by some lovely miracle, that your guy sees the value in staying with you. I'm crossing my fingers for you that he gets it. And if doesn't, I hope you can make a clean, peaceful break and meet someone who works as hard to meet your needs as you've worked to meet this guy's.

 

[Sighs]

I want to know what he wants.

I'd bet my last dollar HE doesn't know what he wants.

PTSD is a roller coaster and for every up there is a down. Doesn't matter how many times you get close (THIS time it'll work) there is always the isolation around the corner.

 

[Buttercup]

Hi :( You know I totally get it. My ex and I have had this cycle for so long. In our better moments, we've s...

Wow @ThorDogofThunder pur situation and stories are so similar. Even down to all I have wanted is to work out something that would work for both of us, i.e., not breaking up every time but rather just declare a time out nor something! I should DM you!

 

[CharlotteB]

*EDIT* I was super emotional and misspoke. I did meet some cousins and went on a "family" vacation with 2 of his Army brothers and their families after our 2nd (3rd?) time getting back together. Meeting his parents and kid was such a big deal to me.

I'd bet my last dollar HE doesn't know what he wants.

Logically I know this (thanks to this forum). (Reading Freida's posts was a bigger eye opener for me. I'm sorry you guys have to go through that. I can't imagine.) I think counselling may help him but my best friend told me to tread carefully in suggesting it (again).

Hi :( You know I totally get it. My ex and I have had this cycle for so long. In our better moments, we've s...

No worries on the hijack!

Funny, as hard as the fall was this time, bouncing back is happening a little quicker. (Insert Sam Smith's Too Good at Goodbye song) I think I'm going to listen to my head and try to move on. I REALLY don't want to but I think it's for the best. If he calls/texts, I'll answer but I'm not reaching out.

Oh I know I can't be his friend. The last time he had a girlfriend during our break ripped my heart to pieces (although I had a guy at the same time, smh lol). What hurt so bad was she lived in VA, while he was in Texas, when he was adamant about not having a long distance relationship. My belief is he wasn't truly emotionally invested (as he is with us) so it was easier...? But at any rate, I do want him to be happy, I just can't know about it lol