General Another Bad Day...

[heartbroken]

As it happens often when my husband has one of his bad days, I find myself on this forum hoping to see that I'm not alone in this. He told me around 530 today that he would be home in about an hour. Two hours later, he wasn't home, he wasn't answering his cell, and no one was answering the office number. Just as I was getting worried, he called and told me he was still at work - where I'd been calling and getting no answer. Why would he lie to me? I can't help but think he may be cheating on me. But I'd like to think it's something else. Is it common for PTSD sufferers to wander off and lie about their whereabouts, with no concern for the fact that he hardly sees his children anymore? I don't know whether I should try to deal with this as part of his PTSD, or if I should just be really ticked off. (I admit, right now I'm really ticked off).
I feel like our marriage is falling apart, and he doesn't care. But every time I try to talk to him about it - even if he's in a good mood - he gets angry, defensive, and just mean. Any ideas on how to fix this without having to deal with the rage and insults?
Thanks for listening. I'm not sure if I feel better or not after writing this, but I suppose it can't hurt.

 

[Nicolette]

As it happens often when my husband has one of his bad days, I find myself on this forum hoping to see that I'm not alone in this. He told me around 530 today that he would be home in about an hour. Two hours later, he wasn't home, he wasn't answering his cell, and no one was answering the office number. Just as I was getting worried, he called and told me he was still at work - where I'd been calling and getting no answer. Why would he lie to me?

People lie for a multitude of reasons heartbroken and ultimately it is because they have something they don't want to disclose.

I can't help but think he may be cheating on me. But I'd like to think it's something else. Is it common for PTSD sufferers to wander off and lie about their whereabouts, with no concern for the fact that he hardly sees his children anymore?

You know, I tend to believe that if you are 'thinking' something like someone is cheating and you are not normally insecure or have baggage about it then you are usually correct.

I don't know whether I should try to deal with this as part of his PTSD, or if I should just be really ticked off.

No matter what issue you have with your husband, you will always be dealing with someone who has PTSD. :rolleyes:

The questions I would be asking myself is do I believe the answers I am being told here and do they add up. PTSD is still no excuse to lie or cheat as it is for no other person. I am no psychologist but ask yourself this...if you think his bad behaviour is due to PTSD does it make it more excusable for you or easier to accept???

The truth will eventually come out as to if your husband is cheating..... if you want to find out the answer. I am sorry this is not the answer you are expecting to hear.

 

[Nicolette]

Another thought (after talking with Anthony), is if your husband has PTSD and is stressed from the pressures of work then goes home and gets pressured to talk he may be in the mindset of 'not wanting to go home' in order to reduce his stress?

 

[heartbroken]

Okay, lets say he's just avoiding coming home because I try to get him to talk to me. I'm hoping that's it, because the alternative is ten times worse. How do I handle that? It's obviously not best to talk to him right then. If I wait until later to bring it up, he says he doesn't remember the details and can't discuss it. If I wait for HIM to bring it up, he never does. So how do we ever fix the problems that his PTSD has caused our marriage? I suggested marriage counseling for both of us. But he's on recruiting duty right now, and not only does he work ridiculous hours, but his boss doesn't seem to understand the importance of EVER seeing his family, and in addition to that I don't know anyone in the area who can watch the kids while we go! Then there's the problem that I would feel selfish if he was able to get a little time off and he had to spend it in a therapist's office so that his kids didn't get to see him AGAIN.
It just seems like there is no right answer to this.

 

[Cowgirl]

Okay, lets say he's just avoiding coming home because I try to get him to talk to me. I'm hoping that's it, because the alternative is ten times worse. How do I handle that? It's obviously not best to talk to him right then. If I wait until later to bring it up, he says he doesn't remember the details and can't discuss it. If I wait for HIM to bring it up, he never does. So how do we ever fix the problems that his PTSD has caused our marriage?

Heartbroken, you are pushing very, very hard still to have your needs addressed immediately. You want a very quick fix, it seems. That simply isn't possible.

So, you have some choices.

1) Divorce him. You are miserable. You want things to be fixed that cannot be fixed right now, and perhaps not ever. He will always have PTSD. ALWAYS. Hopefully he will be able to lead a more normal life in time, with therapy, but he will always have PTSD. Perhaps you need to consider divorce as a possibility.

2) Give it a rest. Accept that life is imperfect; that marriage is imperfect. Try to look at what you can do to enjoy your life and your relationship (if anything), then do it.

3) Work on the things that YOU can control, which means, work on YOU. You can't work on him. That's a given. You can work on yourself. If he doesn't have time for going to two different therapists (and few people would have the emotional energy to handle that much therapy all at once, even if there weren't job pressures), YOU CAN GO ALONE. And you can work on your issues.

I'm gathering from your posts (and since I don't know you, that is all I have to go on), that you have a low self-esteem? If so, your DH cannot fix that. But YOU CAN. Truly.

You are right that there is no one perfect answer. There never is. Life is like that. All one has are choices. All one can do is to play the cards dealt you as best you can.

I truly don't mean to be rude, but it seems to me, from reading your posts, that you are putting a great deal of pressure on your DH to fix whatever is wrong with your relationship. Honestly, I don't think that is ever helpful in any relationship, PTSD or not. And so, I'm just trying to give you an honest opinion. Take it for what it is worth.

Best wishes,

Cowgirl

 

[Nicolette]

Good take on the situation Cowgirl.

 

[FightingLily]

I agree with Nicolette and Cowgirl. There are alot of aspects in your situation you haven't explored because of you having to have your needs addressed. The problem I am seeing is this: He has PTSD, you feel your marriage is on the rocks because of his distance/avoidance and you need assurance, he is NOT producing the desired behaviors or actions to meet your needs, you believe he is cheating.

Heartbroken, you need to check yourself. If there is no proof, then it isn't true. If it isn't true, it shouldn't be an issue....Sort of like the whole innocent until proven guilty concept.
I too become distant, and if approached wrong can become mean and insulting. I asked how my partner deals with me and his only answer is this: he gives me space and lets me talk when I'm ready. At times he feels our relationship is on the rocks, because of my distance, BUT we make the effort to communicate and he isn't needy or demanding about US.

I must say, if he ever accused me of cheating without proof, or always wanted to talk about his thoughts on our "failing relationship" it would add more stress to the cup. Could he be self medicating? Stopping at a bar for a few drinks before going home? Could be be taking a time out at a buddy's house, before having to "be normal" at home?
Just a few thoughts.