Another Body Memory? Now? Really????

[Deleted member 12723]

Hashi- thank you for creating this very enlightening thread and all of the responses. It is good to be reminded that recovery is a process. I wish you well, and I hope this season of body mems does'nt last very long. What a great topic. I have only had 1 body memory but no flashback to go with it so I only have questions with no answers. If more come I think now I will be more prepared to face and deal with them. Thank you very much.

 

[maddog]

At the risk of being redundant, I also wanted to echo the significance and enlightenment of this thread. I'm not sure why, at present I can't quite articulate it, but there is something very deeply impactful here in these posts, and it's slowly sorting itself out in my mind I think.

A lot is happening for me right now too. A lot of frightening, horrific, yet deeply significant stuff. It's almost shut down my life right now and I don't have the words to talk about the big stuff just now, but hopefully soon I will.

The comment about avoiding the "even worse" phrase deeply resonated with me. I am becoming increasingly aware of the importance of monitoring and modifying the language I use, because it does matter, and you're so right, horrible trauma is horrible trauma, all rolled into one enormous ball of horror. There's no need to rank individual events or memories, it just doesn't work that way.

Hashi, I often write journal entries of sorts and send them to my T to read prior to our session, but I have never actually sat there and read out loud to him myself. For some reason I imagined doing this as I read what you wrote, and it almost made me cry... again, not sure why yet, not yet in touch with the strange wash of feelings that came up for me at the thought, but this in itself says to me that maybe this is something I could think about doing.

Thanks all for this thread.

Maddog

 

[Hashi]

I also want to thank everyone again for your responses. This thread has really helped me.

I'm feeling better about this. I'm actually feeling good about it.

Something started happening - I kept accidentally injuring myself in one of the ways I was harmed during trauma - only on a very small scale, and not deliberate self harm, more like while I was doing things my subconscious moved my hands slightly so this would happen. When I discussed it with my T, I realised two things. One is that this is the only type of hurt I've never had a body memory about. The other is that I didn't feel it at the time because I was in too much shock. At the time I saw it happening, slowly registered it, but couldn't feel it or take it in. But in the present, with the small, involuntary re-enactments of it, I was finally feeling it.

Journalling later I realised that with the body memories I was having - I'd got more since the first two I posted about here - there was one to represent each of the different aspects of what happened. But because I've never experienced the feeling of this last thing, I was unconsciously recreating it so that would be there too.

At the end of each session, my T summarises what we've talked about. I like this roundup. It gives a sense of honouring what came up, and it means I don't go away fretting because if I feel uncomfortable about anything I can say that before I leave. So there's a feeling of completeness and closure for that point in time. I think that's what this round of body memories has been, a sort of gathering together so I can reflect on what's been processed up to this point.

I've also had some astonishing dreams. In one I was eating something that represented the aspect of the trauma that's still hard for me to believe. I was literally taking it in and assimilating it. In another I was painstakingly rewiring a circuit board over and over again. The process was complex and taxing, and I'd only just mastered it.

With the body memories I've experienced the sick, helpless horror that they always bring, but this time it has felt different. It's less a feeling in the present and more an acknowledgement of what happened before. I've always believed that body memories were a way of processing, but this time I've actually felt it. I can feel that my cells are working through what happened to finally put it in the past.

 

[bright_morning]

I think that's what this round of body memories has been, a sort of gathering together so I can reflect on what's been processed up to this point.

I've also had some astonishing dreams. In one I was eating something that represented the aspect of the trauma that's still hard for me to believe. I was literally taking it in and assimilating it. In another I was painstakingly rewiring a circuit board over and over again. The process was complex and taxing, and I'd only just mastered it.

With the body memories I've experienced the sick, helpless horror that they always bring, but this time it has felt different. It's less a feeling in the present and more an acknowledgement of what happened before. I've always believed that body memories were a way of processing, but this time I've actually felt it. I can feel that my cells are working through what happened to finally put it in the past.

I wanted to comment on this and also check in. The past week has been extremely difficult for me as more and more of the truth comes up by way of flashbacks and body memories.

I can really relate to this in your posts as my dreams have become very symbolic in the last week as well, with obvious references to my own trauma and to the things I am working out.

I must confess to all of you that I was feeling a lot more confident after last Sunday's triumph, but that later in the week a good bit of that confidence crumbled somewhat under the constant flashbacks. I started to enter the panic zone a lot more as time went on and was beginning to have doubts again. I have, through reading up on this thread every couple of days, been able to ground myself again and follow the processing deeper. It has been so good and I can totally relate to the "movement" of the horror and helplessness somehow into the past. Ug. I can't quite articulate what is happening, but I think Hashi wrote it best right there in the end of the quote. Its like I can tell that these things are behind me in time now somehow and not so much a present horror. Like I am not questioning my sanity anymore when I feel the memories and flashbacks, but am able to immediately say to myself "this is the trauma, this is what they did to me."

I can let it be an event that happened THEN and not some mind-melting freak out thats happening now and makes me the problem. All of this is new and very tenuous, but I have this sense that something very profound and solid is happening. Maybe there is an end to all of this after all.

 

[Hashi]

I can let it be an event that happened THEN and not some mind-melting freak out thats happening now and makes me the problem. All of this is new and very tenuous, but I have this sense that something very profound and solid is happening. Maybe there is an end to all of this after all.

I really believe that going through so much does mean going through and then reaching a different place. We won't be here forever. If we can stay with it, we'll put this stage behind us as the trauma moves into the past where it belongs.

Something that I remind myself when I feel crushed by remembering and re-experiencing is a line from a poem I read. It was written with a slightly different intention but it fits my own meaning perfectly. I'm changing the last word here because the original might be too strong, and I'll say it's "Love is a remembering of this horror". To me that means a number of things:

Allowing myself to go through this process and heal is the most loving thing I can do for myself.​

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The remembering and the horror are always, ultimately, contained within something stronger than them. However I feel, I know that love, healing and goodness are more powerful than trauma.​

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Although this is an intensely personal wound, trauma and healing are universal. I believe there's a healing energy in the universe, just as there's a trauma energy. By recognising and feeling the pain of my own trauma I can reach and connect to the energy of healing.​

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While I'm in a place of feeling damaged and traumatised, there isn't much else that I can contribute to life. I think I'm meant to do more than live a life of fear, anger and bitterness. I need to face the cause of those things if I'm going to move beyond them.​

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Thinking of you, bright_morning, and everyone else going through this.

Hashi

 

[bright_morning]

^great post and thanks Hashi.

WOW is anyone else struggling this week? The flashbacks and connections to memory are coming fast and furious now! There is some major movement going on in my recovery. Its this weird combination of horrifying and relieving. I actually managed to talk very frankly yesterday about what is coming up and it is some of the most disgusting and scary stuff I have talked about yet. I couldn't believe I was relaying the events with no filter to my therapist.

I have been having the type of flashbacks we have been talking about in this thread for about 3 days straight now. I decided in therapy yesterday not to marinade the memories and filter them but to simply talk about them almost stream of consciousness. I am not entirely sure how I feel about this yet... feeling a bit exposed. Paradoxically I feel a bit empowered too. Anyway, thought I'd check in again.

I hope everyone is doing OK today with your various flashbacks and other symptoms. I'll be praying its a productive and healing season for all of us.

 

[Hashi]

Yes I'm having quite a week too. Talked about some very raw things in T last night, had strong body sensations at the time and grim reactions afterwards in my mind and nerves. It definitely feels like a shift but I came home shaken and slept for eleven hours. Today I feel dazed. My T was reminding me to breathe (when I'm dealing with stuff I sometimes stop altogether) but I'm still forgetting and keep getting to the point of having to gulp for air.

bright-morning, that's amazing that you were able to talk like that. Exposed and empowered makes sense. It sounds like you're doing some very intense processing. Sending you support and good thoughts.