Another Death to Deal With

[dljwhitewolf]

Found out why I freaked, newly, doesn't know it yet, boyfriend, took me to 1st and 3rd wives family to play cards.
After a time of letting my hair down we left, where he said to me, "I don't think you should have told them you have c-ptsd,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"
Lost it,,,,,,,,,,,,it is who I am.
Those folks were smoking pot in front of a nine year old. Flashback to me given drugs as a child, ya think, and his daughter is allowed to go to these homes every other weekend to see this.
She had even asked me if I was going out to smoke, I said no honey, I smoke in the house, this five year old precious gem said, no the other kind of smoke.
I lashed at him in a phone call, oops woke him up, telling him he is given permission to his daughter for her future, that when times get tough, its ok to smoke drink or do any of the drugs her mother does.
I'm a medic, I have to leave this scene.
In the doctors office I would have reported it to social services.
I sent him back his cheap ass earring he gave me for x-mas, without anything but tape holding them to a benign card. No forwarding address, deleted email, and everything else I had held sacred for him.
Thanks to c-ptsd, I have turned off, and will not remember the good for quite awhile, and at that point, it will only be the feelings I will cherish, not the person.
Oh well, here we go again,,,,,,,,,,,,
Oh and the kicker,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,he blames it all on nonabug for me trying to help her thru her hell,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Sarge never ever ever gave up on me, even when flight decked (military for psych unit), after helping me, my call was always and quickly answered.
I can never thank Sarge enough, but I can keep the chain of hope growing for folks like us, so in return, those folks one day can do the same.
And to paraphrase Forest Gump
'that's all I got to say about that'
Da Wolf

 

[dljwhitewolf]

Ten Hours Of Sleep In A Row!!!!!!!!

 

[dljwhitewolf]

Oops kicked enter, shut phones off so mom didn't call and wake me, only to say she was sorry and talk for twenty minutes while I would make coffee and really not hear a word, instead she knocked on the door,,,,,,,,well ten hours is good for me.
I am coming to the conclusion, my dear friend Lars, who loved Babygirl, and always said he wanted to steal her, took her with him on his journey. (That bastard), but hey, if this is a way I can cope at the loss, don't burst my bubble now.
Mom wants to get me a new one, yes I will, but I want to see how today goes, maybe someone hasn't read the flyers yet, and news hasn't spread far enough.
Where ever she is I pray with all my being, that she is dancing and prancing and loving a new family and not the worse scenarios, and that she was well enough trained that she will be loved forever.
Cried, yes a river, but in the end I get the puffy eyes and no ferret, using my friend for laughter and jokes to balance my scale of emotions.
Gotta clean the house for relatives in case they need a spare set of beds for visitors for the funeral.
Thank you all for being there, especially my dearest newest bestest friend nonabug5,
You have all made this a much easier nightmare to withstand.
blessings to all,,,
the non-insomniac for today, and that's just fine with me

 

[pandora]

I am so sorry for your loss...your way of thinking about it is very insightful! I will never forget that thought...that is a great way to start to heal.
Take Care
Pand

 

[dljwhitewolf]

thank you, pandora,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[dljwhitewolf]

Well, another night of good sleep. Very groggy this morning, feels good. I am feeling like the world's worst friend to my ferret, but also know there is nothing I did wrong, and that where ever she is, my father and brother will take care of her from above. I kind of yelled at them, giving them a "OR ELSE!!!". They will do anything for me when possible.
Still cleaning the house, got the web site to the newscast and wrote a obit for classmates dot com, letting his friends know where to go to send cards, since we are in NC and they are in NY.
Not sure if anyone is going to use my place for a motel, but you can do an immediate operation on my rugs, that clean.
Just feeling numb, misplaced and very sad at ferrets' disappearance.
Next week I am suppose to go to Pa. (were I was born) to go to a cousins reunion, and to spread my Uncle Larry's ashes, he passed in Nov or Dec. ergo that's why I am here, to help him to the other side. I was in Fla. before that.
Well, that's about it for now, I am looking for good things to occur now, since a week like this is not a usual occurence in my life, and I never want another one like it.
But we all know the truth about that, don't we?
lol
Donna-Lynne

 

[dljwhitewolf]

The Possible End To Babygirl,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 1/30/08

Forgive Me Ferret

Can I be forgiven, can you shed some light.
Feeling like a criminal, with the best intentions, is my plight.
No answer to survival, no known destination, for justice.
I, the worst person ever,
Writing words of pain, and pain it is.
Please, forgive me, God, I didn't mean it to end,
I had caused pain, to my beautiful, little friend.
dlj