Relationship Another story of being ghosted

[healinginprogress]

I (27F) met a someone (38M) on a dating app. From the very beginning, he showed deep admiration for me being authentic and real and how much he valued our connection. He was affectionate, appreciative, and consistently caring in our daily communication. He loves his family and was super clear about finding a stable relationship.

On our first date, he traveled 100 miles to see me, and we spent about 8 hours together (he said it was the longest date he’s ever had, and unlike any he’s experienced before). Afterwards, he deleted his dating app profile.

During our second date I spent the weekend with him. The intimacy was just absolutely amazing and the most comfortable I’ve ever felt with someone new. When I asked to see him again the following weekend, he immediately agreed without any hesitation. After I got home he texted me: “I’m so happy waking up with you.”

But after that text, it was dead silence. No warning, no red flags. Just gone. He hasn't blocked me on WhatsApp. Hasn’t unfollowed me on Instagram either or removed me as a follower (his account is private). But I can see he’s been active, liking some posts.

It's been longer than a week since that text.

Some relevant background:

1. He’s a veteran and has been through very tough experiences and deployments in Afghanistan, Iraq, etc. He's in the military for more than 20 years now.
2. He runs a charity for supporting veteran mental health.
3. He hasn't mentioned to me anything about PTSD (we don't know each other that long). But he got very defensive when I tried to ask for more details about how it was like when he was in the Forces.
4. He's a bit hyperactive. Says the longest he will stay indoors is for sleeping, and he is unable to concentrate enough to finish a film in one go.
5. He was once engaged, but it ended badly because his ex was treating him badly with psychological manipulation. He said himself that he was under a lot of stress when during that relationship.
6. He's been single for the last 4 years.

Initially, I was devastated because I thought I’d been ghosted. But I can’t get my mind off this, because things just don’t add up, especially because of that sweet and vulnerable text he last sent. I’m a highly intuitive person, and I usually sense when something is off, especially after spending a fair amount of time on dating apps and meeting plenty of people. I always pick up when the vibe isn’t right.

With him, there were absolutely zero red flags. Nothing at all. And then he just vanished.

I’ve been reading more about veteran PTSD, and some of his behaviours seem very similar to what others have described. Or possibly trauma from his previous relationship. The silence also started right after we spent our first night together. I wonder if that might have triggered some anxiety/avoidance.

I’d love to know if anyone else has experienced similar behaviour with a relatively new partner. Is it more likely he’ll eventually reach out, or is it just over?

What we have is really special and I find it very difficult to just let it go. Is it a good idea for me to go find him at his place if I don't hear from him for another week?

Any insights would be much appreciated.

 

[healinginprogress]

One more detail to add - I knew from his sister that he often goes weeks without contacting his family when he's busy with work.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It’s hard to tell. He may have PTSD, or he may not. Just because he served doesn’t mean he has PTSD… even if he deployed, and even if he experienced terrible things.

What you do know is that he is ghosting you after you were intimate for the first time. Does it matter why? That’s a dick move, no matter what. Even if he has raging PTSD it’s not an excuse to do that.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Dick move for sure. There is no excuse to be an A-hole with someone else’s heart.

 

[healinginprogress]

It’s hard to tell. He may have PTSD, or he may not. Just because he served doesn’t mean he has PTSD… even if he deployed, and even if he experienced terrible things.

What you do know is that he is ghosting you after you were intimate for the first time. Does it matter why? That’s a dick move, no matter what. Even if he has raging PTSD it’s not an excuse to do that.

Hi Sweetpea. Thank you for your input.

It's true - he doesn't have an excuse to behave this way. I just find it incredibly difficult to accept the fact that he is a dickhead, because there were absolutely zero red flags whatsoever. I've met plenty of people from dating sites now and have been with guys who are only interested in sex. They didn't behave the way he did. It's just so puzzling my mind can't make sense of it. And the funny thing is that I was the person who suggested to stay over that night. He was actually concerned about getting me to the train station on time.

Dick move for sure. There is no excuse to be an A-hole with someone else’s heart.

Hi Lost in the Woods. Yes I agree - no excuse unless he's in a coma. But you can have a look at what I wrote above replying to Sweetpea. There are guys who just trick girls into bed and then disappear, but his behaviours and involvement went way beyond. It's too puzzling for me.

 

[Susan Jane]

I (27F) met a someone (38M) on a dating app. From the very beginning, he showed deep admiration for me being authentic and real and how much he valued our connection. He was affectionate, appreciative, and consistently caring in our daily communication. He loves his family and was super clear about finding a stable relationship.

On our first date, he traveled 100 miles to see me, and we spent about 8 hours together (he said it was the longest date he’s ever had, and unlike any he’s experienced before). Afterwards, he deleted his dating app profile.

During our second date I spent the weekend with him. The intimacy was just absolutely amazing and the most comfortable I’ve ever felt with someone new. When I asked to see him again the following weekend, he immediately agreed without any hesitation. After I got home he texted me: “I’m so happy waking up with you.”

But after that text, it was dead silence. No warning, no red flags. Just gone. He hasn't blocked me on WhatsApp. Hasn’t unfollowed me on Instagram either or removed me as a follower (his account is private). But I can see he’s been active, liking some posts.

It's been longer than a week since that text.

Some relevant background:

1. He’s a veteran and has been through very tough experiences and deployments in Afghanistan, Iraq, etc. He's in the military for more than 20 years now.
2. He runs a charity for supporting veteran mental health.
3. He hasn't mentioned to me anything about PTSD (we don't know each other that long). But he got very defensive when I tried to ask for more details about how it was like when he was in the Forces.
4. He's a bit hyperactive. Says the longest he will stay indoors is for sleeping, and he is unable to concentrate enough to finish a film in one go.
5. He was once engaged, but it ended badly because his ex was treating him badly with psychological manipulation. He said himself that he was under a lot of stress when during that relationship.
6. He's been single for the last 4 years.

Initially, I was devastated because I thought I’d been ghosted. But I can’t get my mind off this, because things just don’t add up, especially because of that sweet and vulnerable text he last sent. I’m a highly intuitive person, and I usually sense when something is off, especially after spending a fair amount of time on dating apps and meeting plenty of people. I always pick up when the vibe isn’t right.

With him, there were absolutely zero red flags. Nothing at all. And then he just vanished.

I’ve been reading more about veteran PTSD, and some of his behaviours seem very similar to what others have described. Or possibly trauma from his previous relationship. The silence also started right after we spent our first night together. I wonder if that might have triggered some anxiety/avoidance.

I’d love to know if anyone else has experienced similar behaviour with a relatively new partner. Is it more likely he’ll eventually reach out, or is it just over?

What we have is really special and I find it very difficult to just let it go. Is it a good idea for me to go find him at his place if I don't hear from him for another week?

Any insights would be much appreciated.

As you said you haven’t known him long. Unfortunately, getting into an intimate relationship quickly can influence things. Sex is something some people see as a sign, and lust makes us feel in love. My advance is actions speak louder than words. I doubt him being in the military or PTSD have anything to do with it… just my opinion

 

[PamelaS]

Hi Lost in the Woods. Yes I agree - no excuse unless he's in a coma. But you can have a look at what I wrote above replying to Sweetpea. There are guys who just trick girls into bed and then disappear, but his behaviours and involvement went way beyond. It's too puzzling for me.

I cannot say for sure, but I can describe my own situation. I have been pretty messed up for a very long time. In college, as I was learning to be a teacher, I identified that I had ADHD, never diagnosed, but absolutely positively makes total sense. Lots and lots and lots of indications. In college, I also learned that I had dyslexia. I actually spent many many hours in my room at my desk, trying to understand what I was reading from the textbooks. I would spend hours reading and rereading underlying and circling and highlighting the same things just to try to get that information into my brain. It was absolutely hard work. But I was absolutely going to do it, because there was no way I was going back to my hometown. This was my only way out. Now, I am recognizing that I show signs of possibly being on the autism spectrum. I tried to get my son diagnosed 10 years ago. He missed one single checkmark on the list that they were using to diagnose. For goodness sakes. It’s a spectrum. Hardline checklists should never apply for spectrums. Each case is different.
So, learning all of this makes my life make more sense. I have always struggled just to survive. I have had to work very, very, very hard to succeed. But that’s OK, because it allowed me to escape all of the junk I’ve been through. I was the first person in my entire extended family to get a college degree. No one in my family knew how to support me, and I was absolutely alone in my situation. Relationships were very hard. My brain chest couldn’t process and sort things out fast enough to know what to do in the next step. So I messed up a lot in relationships. The frustration and overwhelm that I felt with all of the things I was up against caused me to get angry at times. I have lost many friendships.
In my son, the overwhelm of dealing with autism challenges, along with the extreme trauma that he has experienced in his life, causes him to shut down, quit life, shut the world out. He has been actively suicidal as well as suicidal ideation for nearly his entire life (27 years). Now, as an adult, he is forming his first successful friendship with someone who cares enough to not walk away when things get tough. This person has helped him identify that he is autistic. They’ve been diagnosed on the spectrum. For most of his life, I’ve been the only one there for him, and threw all of the mess, he is still alive by the grace of God and my love for him. But the incredible torment that he goes through breaks my heart every single day. I know that torment. But because of the ADHD, I had so much energy that had to be focused. It fueled my determination to get out of the abuse and trauma and damage. So, even though I was up against tremendous odds, I became a high school math teacher. But, it took everything I had to be successful at that. I have been hyper focused all of my life and working extremely hard just to be able to function in life. Relationships complicate that, and make a hard situation even harder. I haven’t maintained any relationships. I’m pretty much on my own.

I say all of that to give you possible insight for this man’s behavior. It’s possible that relationships make life, just simple ability to function and succeed at something, that much harder. It’s possible that he’s struggling with so much just to be able to do what he does, that he has no bandwidth to add one more thing to the mix.
My son is the most gentle person I know. He’s highly intuitive and intelligent. But he still hasn’t been able to figure out how to function given all the challenges he faces every single day. He’s still on the edge of suicide every single day. But now, he has a friend who gets it. He has a friend who refuses to give up on him. His friend doesn’t require much from him, because he doesn’t have much to give.
I know I’ve given you way more information than you have needed. But I understand why people simply cannot follow through with something they desire so much, because it makes life so much harder than it already is. Just surviving and being able to achieve success in his work maybe all that he can handle. He may very well desire to be with you, but it’s possible that it’s simply too hard. I am just trying to explain one possible reason why he has pulled away.
I have been rejected by many people all of my life. It’s possible that he’s so afraid of being rejected that he is paralyzed with fear.
There are so many possible reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you, for him to act this way. It doesn’t mean he’s a terrible person. From your description of him, he seems like a perfect fit. But perhaps his situation, his life, is so much more complicated that he simply doesn’t know what to do to prevent his life from falling apart. One more thing on the scale of things, he is up against, maybe one thing too much for him.
I’ve always been able to see a possible reason behind behavior, that is not sinister. I have eyes of compassion for people can’t take one more thing, because they’re just surviving with what they have already.
I don’t know if any of this is helpful to you. I hope it is. I wish you well sorting through your situation and deciding what you can handle in a relationship and whether you’re willing to give it all for the other person who is in so much need. For me and my son, it has been too much for anyone to commit to for the most part. Wishing you well moving forward.

 

[healinginprogress]

I cannot say for sure, but I can describe my own situation. I have been pretty messed up for a very long time. In college, as I was learning to be a teacher, I identified that I had ADHD, never diagnosed, but absolutely positively makes total sense. Lots and lots and lots of indications. In college, I also learned that I had dyslexia. I actually spent many many hours in my room at my desk, trying to understand what I was reading from the textbooks. I would spend hours reading and rereading underlying and circling and highlighting the same things just to try to get that information into my brain. It was absolutely hard work. But I was absolutely going to do it, because there was no way I was going back to my hometown. This was my only way out. Now, I am recognizing that I show signs of possibly being on the autism spectrum. I tried to get my son diagnosed 10 years ago. He missed one single checkmark on the list that they were using to diagnose. For goodness sakes. It’s a spectrum. Hardline checklists should never apply for spectrums. Each case is different.
So, learning all of this makes my life make more sense. I have always struggled just to survive. I have had to work very, very, very hard to succeed. But that’s OK, because it allowed me to escape all of the junk I’ve been through. I was the first person in my entire extended family to get a college degree. No one in my family knew how to support me, and I was absolutely alone in my situation. Relationships were very hard. My brain chest couldn’t process and sort things out fast enough to know what to do in the next step. So I messed up a lot in relationships. The frustration and overwhelm that I felt with all of the things I was up against caused me to get angry at times. I have lost many friendships.
In my son, the overwhelm of dealing with autism challenges, along with the extreme trauma that he has experienced in his life, causes him to shut down, quit life, shut the world out. He has been actively suicidal as well as suicidal ideation for nearly his entire life (27 years). Now, as an adult, he is forming his first successful friendship with someone who cares enough to not walk away when things get tough. This person has helped him identify that he is autistic. They’ve been diagnosed on the spectrum. For most of his life, I’ve been the only one there for him, and threw all of the mess, he is still alive by the grace of God and my love for him. But the incredible torment that he goes through breaks my heart every single day. I know that torment. But because of the ADHD, I had so much energy that had to be focused. It fueled my determination to get out of the abuse and trauma and damage. So, even though I was up against tremendous odds, I became a high school math teacher. But, it took everything I had to be successful at that. I have been hyper focused all of my life and working extremely hard just to be able to function in life. Relationships complicate that, and make a hard situation even harder. I haven’t maintained any relationships. I’m pretty much on my own.

I say all of that to give you possible insight for this man’s behavior. It’s possible that relationships make life, just simple ability to function and succeed at something, that much harder. It’s possible that he’s struggling with so much just to be able to do what he does, that he has no bandwidth to add one more thing to the mix.
My son is the most gentle person I know. He’s highly intuitive and intelligent. But he still hasn’t been able to figure out how to function given all the challenges he faces every single day. He’s still on the edge of suicide every single day. But now, he has a friend who gets it. He has a friend who refuses to give up on him. His friend doesn’t require much from him, because he doesn’t have much to give.
I know I’ve given you way more information than you have needed. But I understand why people simply cannot follow through with something they desire so much, because it makes life so much harder than it already is. Just surviving and being able to achieve success in his work maybe all that he can handle. He may very well desire to be with you, but it’s possible that it’s simply too hard. I am just trying to explain one possible reason why he has pulled away.
I have been rejected by many people all of my life. It’s possible that he’s so afraid of being rejected that he is paralyzed with fear.
There are so many possible reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you, for him to act this way. It doesn’t mean he’s a terrible person. From your description of him, he seems like a perfect fit. But perhaps his situation, his life, is so much more complicated that he simply doesn’t know what to do to prevent his life from falling apart. One more thing on the scale of things, he is up against, maybe one thing too much for him.
I’ve always been able to see a possible reason behind behavior, that is not sinister. I have eyes of compassion for people can’t take one more thing, because they’re just surviving with what they have already.
I don’t know if any of this is helpful to you. I hope it is. I wish you well sorting through your situation and deciding what you can handle in a relationship and whether you’re willing to give it all for the other person who is in so much need. For me and my son, it has been too much for anyone to commit to for the most part. Wishing you well moving forward.

Hi Pamela.

I really really appreciate you for typing all of this, sharing about yourself and your son, giving such a nuanced perspective. I actually teared up a little reading through it.

Getting answers like yours is exactly why I made this post in the first place. I can't screenshot all of my chat history for people to analyse here, so all I can do is describe it to the best of my ability. While on the surface it looks like a classic story of 'ghosted after intimacy', I really do think there's more to it than that. One because I trust my gut feelings. Two because I've fallen for men who were only looking for sex in the past - when we stopped contacting each other, I'd be sad for two days at most. With him - the time I've been thinking about him is getting close to how long it took me to get through the break-up of my longest term relationship. It's so unusual. Nobody ever made me feel like this before.

I'm not expecting anyone here to give me an analysis or say for sure what's happening behind the scenes. But for those who suffer from trauma-based disorders, their mind exists a world and a set of logic that's almost incomprehensible for someone like me, who's been relatively stable and mentally healthy most of my life. That's why I posted this, just to get another perspective from a point of view that I couldn't have come up myself because it's in a completely different world.

I'm still waiting to hear back from him. I really wish that this isn't the end. Knowing myself, the feelings I have for him… On one hand, I want to go find him in person. I'm convinced that it will make a difference to look him in the eyes and communicate. On the other hand, I've already sent several messages letting him know that I miss him and will be there for him when he's ready - if he's not capable of reaching out, maybe this is a sign that I should let go.

I hope I get clarity on this.

Thank you again, Pamela. I will keep reading your words.

 

[PamelaS]

Hi Pamela.

I really really appreciate you for typing all of this, sharing about yourself and your son, giving such a nuanced perspective. I actually teared up a little reading through it.

Getting answers like yours is exactly why I made this post in the first place. I can't screenshot all of my chat history for people to analyse here, so all I can do is describe it to the best of my ability. While on the surface it looks like a classic story of 'ghosted after intimacy', I really do think there's more to it than that. One because I trust my gut feelings. Two because I've fallen for men who were only looking for sex in the past - when we stopped contacting each other, I'd be sad for two days at most. With him - the time I've been thinking about him is getting close to how long it took me to get through the break-up of my longest term relationship. It's so unusual. Nobody ever made me feel like this before.

I'm not expecting anyone here to give me an analysis or say for sure what's happening behind the scenes. But for those who suffer from trauma-based disorders, their mind exists a world and a set of logic that's almost incomprehensible for someone like me, who's been relatively stable and mentally healthy most of my life. That's why I posted this, just to get another perspective from a point of view that I couldn't have come up myself because it's in a completely different world.

I'm still waiting to hear back from him. I really wish that this isn't the end. Knowing myself, the feelings I have for him… On one hand, I want to go find him in person. I'm convinced that it will make a difference to look him in the eyes and communicate. On the other hand, I've already sent several messages letting him know that I miss him and will be there for him when he's ready - if he's not capable of reaching out, maybe this is a sign that I should let go.

I hope I get clarity on this.

Thank you again, Pamela. I will keep reading your words.

You’re welcome healinginprogress. I can’t always check in here like I used to, so I tend to invest the time whenever I can pop in. I actually don’t type. I do talk to text. It’s pretty quick and simple. Just a matter of cleaning up with some editing. Glad that it helped to give you perspective. I wish you well moving forward no matter what direction it goes. Relationships with someone with trauma are very hard. For the first time in his life, my son finally has a friend who will walk away when it gets hard. That friend has had a tremendous impact in encouraging my son to stop choosing death and start choosing life. That is a long awaited blessing. Best wishes to you. I’m glad that it helped give you perspective.