Anxiety After Opening Up.

[Ga5bby]

I recently opened up in therapy about stuff from my past that I had never told anyone. Now I'm feeling especially anxious. I feel like somehow now that I told one person the whole world magically knows. Which I can rationally say isn't true.

Now when people look at me I feel like they are reading me. I've never been an open book to anyone. I'm still not. So it was new to me and so scary. I don't like feeling so vulnerable. I can't stand having multiple panic attacks an hour or anytime someone even looks at me. I don't want to be that little girl again.

I don't want to continue to hold everything in. To never really get to know anyone because I'm too scared. I'm worried that once someone really gets to knows me they will leave. It's easier for me to push away before they get the chance. I'm tired of being used and left when I do give someone a chance. I just want to be loved for me. But I don't feel like I can be me anywhere.

I'm just having a really hard time now. I can't just exist anywhere without being told I'm doing something wrong. I'm not always wrong, everything isn't always my fault, and I'm not usually so insecure. I don't like it.

 

[Bubba]

I just want to be loved for me.

I know exactly what you mean! I so just want to be accepted for who I am (PTSD and all) and not judged for what I say, do or how I react. It would be so refreshing for someone to just say "wow, you must be having a hard time right now - it's ok - I'm here if you need me". But instead I get "you're acting like such a B**** today".

I wonder if true love and acceptance is out there for me....I sure hope so...

 

[maddog]

Hi Ga5bby.
Opening up for the first time is one of the most critical turning points in the journey of recovery, and it brings with it enormous feelings of conflict and vulnerability and fear and overwhelm. I doubt that anyone who hasn't been through such a thing can truly relate,and so all that you say makes perfect sense to me.

When you have spent so long - perhapsa lifetime - building and maintaining a defensive wall around you to keep out the memories and their associated emotions, it can feel as though you have been picked up and dumped onto a foreign planet when that wall is suddenly penetrated. The foreign planet is one in which you experience and recognize so many of the emotions and reactions that you likely suppressed at the time, and vulnerability, feelings of unbelonging and the desperate need to be loved and accepted are all very understandable and natural under the circumstances.

I wish there was a silver bullet or a quick way to burrow through all of this pain and to find the validation and security that exist on the other side. If anyone had ever found such a silver bullet, none of us would be here and this forum would not exist.

Most important right now is that you do all you can to give yourself permission and acceptance to experience these feelings without judgment or shame, continue to work with your T (with whom you have made a critically important breakthrough), try to surround yourself with as many healthy and supportive people as you can who can help to support and validate you, and tell yourself as often as you need to that you are on the path to healing, that you will not always feel this way, and that you are an adult now, with the resources and skills to create a new world for yourself, and the courage and resilience to do so, as evidenced by the fact that you have survived and are still here now to fight this fight.

I know these may seem like empty words, but I hope that some day you can look back on them and recognize your progress for what it is, because life can get better.

Take good care of yourself, and I hope you find validation and support on this forum with people who have been, and continue to be, where you are.

Maddog

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree entirely with MD, as to how it feels as well. With the exception that in place of hoping for 'love' or acceptance it gives me an overwhelming shame and (that) sense of unbelonging and feeling to flee. Probably my own self-rejection, worse than anyone's response.

It does get better, just keep going. If your trust is not misplaced there will not be repercussions but progress.

 

[Overwhelmed]

Opening up is indeed a scary thing to do. I have to say it also takes a tremendous amount of courage. I say courage because to actually tell someone how God awful you feel will rock anyones foundation. Most of us were taught to bottle up this junk and pretend to the world we are ok. There are many people who developed a false self or a mask to hide behind. The person underneath the mask is the vulnerable person who is wounded but beautiful. I like to think it is a diamond in the rough meaning that once you dig out the exterior and polish it off the diamond is wonderful to see. There is alot of pain that comes with revealing but it also opens doors. One possible door could be to love yourself unconditionally which could lead to a lifetime romance with yourself. I hope you continue with your journey and the best of luck!

 

[maelstrom]

Hey I totally relate to your feelings. I also worry a lot about people leaving me once they get to know the "real" me. I feel that if someone knows me really well, then it's impossible for them to like me and they will soon be tired of me and leave. That's why I have never ever been in a relationship even though I could have been married and had children already at my age. But still I think it is really important to stay open, because only when you are open can you really experience love. Unfortunately it is really a "no pain, no gain" situation. In therapy it is all the more important because it is a "safe space" for you to experiment how to open up to people. Your therapist's job is to make you feel more comfortable about yourself, so it is essential that you remain open and do the work one step at a time. Yes it is easier said than done, but I think you already did a brave thing by telling your therapist--congratulations!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

HI I'm late to this but have to throw my 2 cents in after I say I tend to agree with Maddog and maelstrom.
To open yourself up is to be risking, and that requires a vulnerablitiy.
It is scary to tell a secret that has never seen the light of day before. So the anxiety that comes up is a given.

You are doing well, I have confidence in you that you will get through this and move on to other things and issues. it is a major breakthrough.

You are used to being self protective, it is irrational thoughts that tell you that everyone knows and can read you. It sounds like you may be getting a emotional flashback, because it sounds like a child's thinking. I will have to remember this for my self.

I am doing a trauma diary, and I told 2 secrets I never thought to give to my therapist in 9 years of therapy. It just never occured to me. I am going to be doing emdr and I have a new therapist that I will have to tell my secrets to. This will create incredible vulnerability on my part, so know that you aren't alone.

Keep yourself safe so you do not dissociate, and good luck in your therapy sessions. You are doing good things for yourself. y ou already survived it now you get to deal with the feelings which is a whole other ballgame. Take good care of yourself, Hope this was useful and helpful, if not please ignore.

 

[lil_fighter]

I'm not always wrong, everything isn't always my fault

Ga5bby, as long as you remember that you don't need to worry. I understand about the increase in anxiety after opening up and the whole feeling that everyone knows now that you have spoken up. You have done the right thing and you know what? You can be you now. This is the time when you can be open, you don't have to be scared and there are lots of people who are there to listen and to help you. No one is judging you because whatever you have opened up about is the truth and you know that. This is where life gets better, even if it feels a bit scary right now.

 

[Ga5bby]

Thank you everyone. I'm learning to be okay opening up. And while it hasn't gotten any easier but I am seeing where the benefits are from it. I know eventually I'll get through all of this. It's just hard at the moment.

 

[Spiderallis]

I can relate to that. To me, this is part of what it means when I hear 'It'll feel worse before it gets better'. Since I've accepted that I have PTSD, I'm convinced the whole world can see that I'm an 'easy target' and it's making me want to isolate for safety. I opened up to a wrong person before, they used my triggers against me. It's made me even more hesitant to speak, but I'm trying as hard as I can.

 

[Ga5bby]

Opening up started a downhill spiral for me. I'm not sure if this is normal or not. It's been a rough couple of weeks. I've been putting on my smile and saying I'm "fine" while on the inside it's a battle. I feel like I've been in a constant state of panic. I just want to be fine again.

I'm not usually emotional. I don't usually want to talk. I know that the more I put up walls the farther and harder I tend to fall. So I've been working really hard at keeping myself open, but that leaves me feeling vulnerable. Which I don't like either.

I know that there is a light at the end of this very, very long tunnel. I'm just having a hard time keeping myself focused on it at the moment.