Anxiety after survival mode

[Strangelongtrip]

Around Christmas time two of my closest family members had to have emergency surgery two days apart. My dad was one of them. It was a 1 in 100 chance of dying for his which probably isn’t much but still freaked me out. I just started to have a good relationship with him and also, am still dependent on him for housing. I could probably find a way to make it on my own but there was still that possibility. I had family in town staying with me so I had to take care of them and be way more social than I was used to, especially between how many holiday events we have. I did great this Christmas despite all of that. I was social, happy (I have been so depressed in the past during holidays I had been suicidal, and used very unhealthy coping mechanisms), even my family noticed. I kept everything cool and collected during all these scary surgeries and I didn’t really feel anything. I was tired, at the end of it but couldn’t shut off. I didn’t stop moving.

I then went to almost a week long vacation to a huge city. I was able to navigate everything but I started having bad anxiety in the city. Now that I’m home I’m experiencing what I think was the anxiety and depression that is left over from the fear of the possibility of losing people I love. I keep having anxiety attacks and sleeplessness, or sleeping way too much. I’m struggling keeping patience with people and snapped at my friend I travelled with some too. I feel guilty about that too even though we’re on good terms. I just feel like destroying something, especially relationships. I wish I had a romantic relationship to break up with. I feel like I need to release my emotions in some destructive way but I’m going to try to create instead, just hard.

 

[Ronin]

It makes sense a high anxiety time comes with a crash, yes? Stayed through & together and now you're through it needs both the release of everything capped and held tight, and rest as objectively exhausted. :wtf:

I'd rest first, self care lots, THEN see how destructive I feel still after that and figure healthier ways for that, THEN make actionable decisions about things that matter.

Not now. Now is fuelled by numb coming off, fears, stress, hidden despair, grief in advance, worn out, decision fatique, anger at lil things where the actual one should be to big ones as loss aall mixed up, etc... and you can't right size or eval direction to aim reactions this close. So stand by. If it's worth doing it will still be worth... after the storm.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @Ronin ! That’s wise advice. I think I also feel guilty I haven’t worked on what I want to be my career in weeks too, but my 2020 goal was to know when I need to rest because I work too hard lol.

 

[Ronin]

If it's a career, you'll be better ready and taking it in and efficient well rested anyway. ;)