Anxiety and anger at my Mum's vocal sounds

[Trapped_30]

Hi there,

My relationship with my Mum is unhealthy. I also have chronic illnesses and battle with symptoms daily. Although my Mum has told me she thinks I'm faking being sick..

My Mum had originally kicked me out while i was in hospital in November, however has let me back temporarily as i wasn't able to/still haven't been able to secure other accommodation.

The issue I'm finding is that my flight/fight response is constantly being triggered - my Mum bangs things loudly which causes me anxiety. Her overall presence, like moving around the house does this to me too.

The other automatic response that i cannot control is my anger at my Mum's vocal sounds. She constantly makes verbal noises that i consider unnecessary and irritating. She does them more around me too. Honestly, it's gotten to the point that her voice period is triggering me.

I also have an eating disorder and being in this environment where i also get yelled and screamed at is making me sicker.

I have tried so hard to not react to my Mum's voice/sounds she makes but I'm being triggered and am having adrenaline attacks every single day. I cannot look after myself, there's just nowhere for me to relax.

I'm currently on a waiting list for crisis accommodation and as of right now, there are no other housing options for me. As i cannot look after myself where i am, i don't even know how I'd manage moving. It's like I'm doomed either way..

I'm now 30 but even as a child my Mum would always get mad at me. I'm extremely sensitive to negative energy, always having had severe anxiety..

When i say I'm getting angry these days, it's completely internalized. I'm not one for confrontation myself. So i actually find it crazy that I've somehow ended up like this! ..

I don't know if anyone has been through something like this but i need it to be possible to change my reactions to my environment/my Mum.

Talking to her is not an option, I've been there done that and it's what made my Mum kick me out in the first place. So i just suffer in silence, can't eat and just keep getting sicker.

I can't look ahead if i can't even survive the current situation.

I appreciate you taking your time on my post.

 

[Movingforward10]

Sounds like your mum is incredibly triggering for you.

With crisis housing, how long do you need to wait? It sounds that getting your own place will really help.

In the meantime it will be about how you can manage all those landminds and triggers.

Would reframing some of it help? Maybe with her vocal noises, do you think she can help that? Maybe it's neuro diversity or a tick? Something that is actually involuntary for her? Maybe seeing that through a different lens may lessen the stress on you?

What helps ground you? The loud noises and all the things she does: don't sound like they will change. We can only change how we respond. Which is very hard to do when triggered and feeling unsafe.

 

[Trapped_30]

Sounds like your mum is incredibly triggering for you.

With crisis housing, how long do you need to wait? It sounds that getting your own place will really help.

In the meantime it will be about how you can manage all those landminds and triggers.

Would reframing some of it help? Maybe with her vocal noises, do you think she can help that? Maybe it's neuro diversity or a tick? Something that is actually involuntary for her? Maybe seeing that through a different lens may lessen the stress on you?

What helps ground you? The loud noises and all the things she does: don't sound like they will change. We can only change how we respond. Which is very hard to do when triggered and feeling unsafe.

There is no known wait time for crisis housing. I call once a week as advised but no beds are available.

I've definitely tried to reframe it but my Mum never used to make these sounds. Even the way she talks now is always loud and silly. I realise it must make me sound terrible but it really gets to me.

I honestly don't think anything grounds me anymore. I have come to that exact realisation though, that i can't change her or what she does. I just wish i could get ahold of my reactions but nothing has helped thus far.

Thank you for your comment.

 

[Movingforward10]

There is no known wait time for crisis housing. I call once a week as advised but no beds are available.

I'm sorry. That is really difficult not knowing and just waiting.

I've definitely tried to reframe it but my Mum never used to make these sounds. Even the way she talks now is always loud and silly. I realise it must make me sound terrible but it really gets to me.

It doesn't make you sound terrible. It's incredibly unsettling living in this state with someone who is a source of pain and feelings of not being safe.
Maybe exploring what it is you think she is doing? Purposefully speaking like that to make you distressed? Or she's just changed how she speaks and sounds she makes for some unknown reason?
I know I have changed as I have aged. I speak aloud to myself for comfort and grounding. And I sometimes make noises, sometimes involuntarily, again for soothing. I never used to do those things, but then my coping strategies didn't work anymore and these are my new ones.

I honestly don't think anything grounds me anymore. I have come to that exact realisation though, that i can't change her or what she does. I just wish i could get ahold of my reactions but nothing has helped thus far.

What have you tried?
Lots of people on here have so many great things to offer that maybe someone has something that will help.
Are you eating, sleeping, exercising? Those are hard things to do when in a constant state of triggers. But trying to get some built in to a routine will help.

 

[littleoc]

I was having these issues while living with my mother. I'm not sure I'll be much help to you, though, because I eventually tried putting up boundaries and now I regret it deeply. My mother died suddenly and it's been hell having to deal with the fact that it turns out she wasn't trying to hurt anyone. The guilt makes me hate myself.

Aka just try to get away for a while. If any of my plans to move out had worked out the last decade had worked out, this wouldn't be happening right now. Multiple plans just didn't work.

This might not be helpful, I'm sorry, I'm just overwhelmed and f*cked up right now. Ignore anything that does help, just don't make mistakes you'll regret for your entire life

Edit to add: I developed misphonia (I believe that's the spelling) around the noises my mom made. Not because she was hurting me or abusing me, just because the past in this house in particular was traumatic and included her, and it stressed me out. I found having headphones (the kind that rest outside the ear, like ear muffs, so your ears don't get too tired or too exposed to loud noises) on with calming nature sounds or music helped block it out. When I had my service dog and my mom, I'd walk the dog.

Trying to cope with the emotions helps. I never confronted my mom because I knew she wasn't doing the pain sounds on purpose. She did get way louder after a small period of living alone, though. Older people just tend to need to make more noises.

Alternatively some people make louder noises when they want to talk about their issues but don't know how to bring it up in a healthy way. My best friend's dad, who is a narcissist, loves to overact and groan loudly to make people be unable to ignore his mild aches and pains, because he wants people to ask about them and they won't because he's mean to everyone.

Hope that helps more

 

[Trapped_30]

I just want to thank you for the responses @Movingforward10 and @littleoc
I am exhausted right now but really appreciate it!!
A little update is that I've now been living with a friend, after my Mum had an outburst and for part of it said "you're 30 and haven't achieved anything."
Where i am now was my back up plan. It wasn't a card i wanted to have to play but I'm now waiting on community supports, to hopefully help me in daily life and future planning, like housing for the long term.
The trauma of a LOT of things my Mum has angrily said to me overtime still rings in my mind, even the way she looked at me, it was horrible..
I'm definitely unsettled but i don't intend on ever going back to my Mum's house or contacting her again.
Cannot believe it's come to this!!

 

[littleoc]

So, so sorry :( glad you managed to keep a roof over your head in the meantime