Anxiety And Falling Down The Rabbit Hole

[Adam F.]

I don't even know where to start with this one. If you don't know I am a Police Officer and have been for 6 years. Just last year I was diagnosed with PTSD and high levels of anxiety to go along with depression that I have dealt with most of my life.

Well in June I suffered an ankle injury while on duty and was assigned to desk duty for 8 weeks. While on desk duty I was unable to escape the media coverage of brutal attacks on law enforcement across the nation. From Dallas, to Baton Rouge, KC, Kansas and locally in Ballwin, Mo.

While all of this was going on I was taken off of my depression and anxiety meds for a sleep study that I had 2 weeks ago. After completion of the sleep study I began taking the medications again. Shortly afterwards I was released to return to full duty which occurred this past Tuesday, August 2nd.

My anxiety was already out of control preparing myself for work, so when I got to work and learned that I wouldn't be patrolling with my partner, of over 2 years, because she was assigned to a special detail my anxiety nearly became unbearable but I decided that I needed to press on with my shift. About an hour into my shift, I learned that even when my partner returned to normal patrol, we were being split up and she would be riding with another officer leaving me to be on my own. At this point I became completely overwhelmed and lashed out at my supervisor through text messages. At the end of my shift and getting home I did explain it to him in a more calmly manner and was told that I needed to have a meeting with him and my Lieutenant the next day.

So Wednesday rolls around and I'm in this meeting with both of my supervisors and I get told my partner and this other officer have better "Numbers" and they are been kept together. Now mind you, I was off the streets for 8 weeks plus I spent the majority of the first half of the year training a probe, which means that all of my "numbers" were way done which I did not feel was a fair assessment. I basically let them know that and I got brushed away, so on my way out I stated, "Well f*ck me then" and slammed the door. I guess my supervisors didn't take to kindly to that and I was sent home for the day.

Now I am forced to be back on desk duty and await an appointment with a department psychologist to determine if I am Fit for Duty.

So as I said my partner and I have worked together for 2 years. She has been there for me through some of my worst possible times, including nearly getting divorced from my wife, and I have been there for her through her worst as well. This is my partner, my lifeline, my family, and she was ripped away from me. She is the only reason I was capable of doing this job most days. She is what has kept me from going off the deep end when I'm at work. So to have that taken away just really sent me into a fit of rage that I couldn't control.

Thankfully, there hasn't been any negative repercussions surrounding my actions, as of yet. I am not looking forward to being forced into counseling and dealing with a psychologist.

What I am terrified of is falling deep, deep, deep into the rabbit hole and being able to escape. I fear not being able to come back from this. I fear losing the profession that I love.

I hate anxiety!!

 

[Gadgie]

Sounds like your bosses are more concerned with "result figures" more than they do about their staff?

When I was in the ambulance service I was treated exactly the same way, they don't care about how you are feeling, as long as you turn up for your shift, do your job, then go home again.

They did have this "counselling service" that they claimed was "totally confidential" but In fact it wasn't, as proved by a mate of mine, who went for counselling, told them a story, and it turned up on his quarterly review?

Does your department have such a service? Or would they pay for any private counselling service that you attend?

You will get plenty of help and support from the good folk on this site, like I did when I first joined, I was a wreck back then, but I've come a long way since then.

Are you getting any therapy else where just now? Let us know how things go, as you are amongst understanding folk in here, good luck.

 

[Adam F.]

Unfortunately I have to go through my department's EAP for all of this. Thankfully, I have used their counseling services for almost year and none of that is reported back. I am sure though that any type of report from a psychologist would more than likely get placed in my file. So right now I'm in that hurry up and wait type of limbo, which is just causing me even more anxiety.

 

[Ka-9]

We had the 5%'er rule. Literally - 5% of the service was solid. I was optimistic...I gave it 10%. The job draws the equal share of suckups and weak sisters as solid ones, so supervisors not recognizing the importance of good partnership and police work vs... tickets and the need for promotion material is universal at least.

I ended up preferring to work alone with the dog, and the TAC team guys mind you, as I trusted them more than anyone else. But I fell into the rabbit hole early and it destroyed the career over the long term. However, in hindsight, calling out the weasels, and choosing the fights rather than turning a blind eye, I can live with that.... so I think it's a tough call. I'm just not cut out to be a cog.

Looking back, I don't think I could have changed the outcome. You can't control bad incidents, constant stress levels, shift effects, adrenaline dumps out of a cold start, or idiocy of the bureacracy. I suppose things you might control that may steer you back, is working toward a unit that is going to be good for you in the near future, and keep treating/documenting the anxiety and issues properly with your departments provided services, so the onus is on them.

Just my experience- hopefully it gives you idea's, but I wasn't ashamed of my condition- I earned it.