Anxiety And Lying

[Shiver]

Hi

I'm quite annoyed with myself right now. The last sessions I've had with my psychiatrist were a little bit off. As in strange, awkward, I don't know. So he asks questions and I try to answer mostly positive, in the meantime I tend to think about all the negative stuff in my head. So when I leave, I get upset and sometimes get disoriented.

Yesterday I decided to send an email to my psychiatrist in which I explained this. In this mail I asked him if this was something that's supposed to happen. Anyways, he answered my email, he explained some stuff (like how he noticed that it was getting harder for me to talk about the past and how he intentionally gives me shorter sessions) and at the end he stated that this all is because of myself and because of my anxiety to talk about my 'demons'. He felt like he was accused.

I didn't mean to accuse him, not at all. I know that I do this to myself. I just don't know how to get over that anxiety. I'm scared because this just might be all my fault (every event ever in my life). I also keep telling myself that if I don't talk about it, it will just disappear. I'm scared that once I talk, it keeps haunting me (which it actually does now).

I want to change, but I keep lying about how I feel and what's going on.

And it's not that I want to lie, it's just something I always end up doing...

I just don't know what to do :(

 

[Silver.]

The hardest part about healing is that it has to get worse before it gets better. If we don't talk about the really hard stuff, we can never heal from it, or at least be able to cope. I know it's really hard to do. Perhaps you can learn some coping skills from him (or a therapist), some grounding techniques and some ways to manage the anxiety before you start talking and healing from the really hard stuff?

 

[Shiver]

The hardest part about healing is that it has to get worse before it gets better. If we don't talk abou...

I'm on a waiting list for a therapist, but the thing is I'm already getting scared. I hope that I won't shut down or lie there.. But I'm scared I will.

 

[shimmerz]

I hope that I won't shut down or lie there.. But I'm scared I will.

I think a big part of the process of therapy is learning to be able to feel safe in opening up. The nature of much abuse is to force the victim to shut up about what is happening, or to rationalize it in some way that makes no sense to someone who would be outside the 'abuse bubble'.

Try not to let your anxiety get the better of you with this one. I think it is pretty normal stuff.

 

[Friday]

I didn't mean to accuse him, not at all. I know that I do this to myself. I just don't know how to get over that anxiety. I'm scared because this just might be all my fault (every event ever in my life). I also keep telling myself that if I don't talk about it, it will just disappear. I'm scared that once I talk, it keeps haunting me (which it actually does now).

I usually deal with my fears by assuming they're real, come up with an actual plan IF they are (as opposed to end-of-the-world if real), and then having the worst sorted, anything better than that? Is apples.

- Most of my stuff? IS my fault. I've still got PTSD. And I've still got to sort shit out. Things not being my fault doesn't make them magically all better. Things being my fault doesn't make them worse. They're still things I've got to deal with. My fault or not.

- Scared that once I talk, it keeps haunting? I have that one, in I'm afraid talking about it will make things worse... So part of what I'm trying to do is to set up my life to handle "worse". Assume the fear is real, and take steps. Setting my life up to handle worse has the added benefit of making now better. So it's a win/win. If my fear isn't real? And things stay the same? I can deal with that. No worse off than I was before. And better than before, because I'm already setting my life up for worse. Meanwhile, If I talk and things get better? Then I'm much better off. Experience dictates that talking will make things worse -at first- and then things will get better.

Clearly ^^^^ is just how I handle things. Different things work for different people.

I want to change, but I keep lying about how I feel and what's going on.

One thing to try is to call yourself on it, each time.

- In advance; What I would like to say is ABC. But it's not really ABC right now. It's XYZ.
- After the fact; Nope. Sorry. That's not really true. That's what I want to say. What's actually going on is...

The more you do that, the more often you catch yourself, the more you correct yourself, the easier it becomes. It's also a great way to move from what actually is to what you want. Because what you're doing when lying about things being better is actually creating a goals list. When you have that AND where you really are? You can start to plot a few different courses on how to get from where you are to where you want to be.

 

[Sideways]

I'm working with a relatively new p-doc at the moment, so we're still building trust. That's an important premise.

I am often finding that she'll ask a question, and a tonne of thoughts come into my head. Most of them are angry, self-loathing stuff. And I sit there for a minute (or 5!) and run it all through my brain's "Safe to Say It" filter, and eventually a neutral, not getting me anywhere comment comes out. The rest of the stuff that I was really thinkjng? I carry that back to the car with me and bang my head on the steering wheel for a while. My "Safe to Say It" filter is holding me back.

But I know me. I know that it's early days and the trust will come. I know my p-doc has enough experience to know that it's probably too early for me to genuinely trust her yet.

And gradually, like my last appointment, I ease up on the filtering process and some of the stuff that I would've held back comes out. It makes me feel worse. Hurrah! But that's how it works. And I have to go easy on myself for that.

Therapy is a process. There's a complex trust issue that is continually evolving between you and your T. You get to a point where you can share, then the topic gets harder, or life gets harder for some reason, and you're holding back again. And so the cycle continues.

It's really okay. You've got insight into the fact that you're doing it, so try and make a conscious effort to let little bits of honesty come out when you can. You'll get there:)

 

[Shiver]

I'm working with a relatively new p-doc at the moment, so we're still building trust. That's an...

Omg, 'safe to say it' filter, that kinda describes it pretty good. I've been going to this psychiatrist since 2012, so I don't know if time will change much...

I often send mails before or after a session to explain the real situation, but I'm starting to think he's getting really annoyed because of that.

And the being mad at yourself after a session: recognisable... Mainly the reason why I always take a short walk in the clinic after a session instead of immediatelly getting into my car.

I'm going to memorise your 'safe to say it' filter, thanks for the words I didn't quite seem to find <3

 

[Freedomfighter]

Hi

I'm quite annoyed with myself right now. The last sessions I've had with my psychiatrist were a litt...

A lie is not a lie. Meaning, a lot of us have to lie in order to have self preservation. If it saves your life, so be it. Other PTSD sufferers lie about themselves: not wanting to admit the trauma, not admitting that they are sick and so on...
The real lies start when people tell lies about others. That is where I draw the line.