Childhood Anxiety Connected To Ptsd Symptoms?

[heylena]

I am wondering if adoption / abandonment trauma can be the underlying issue to someone's anxiety, and if the anxiety can be connected to PTSD symptoms?

I have no memories of my parents or childhood (that aren't orphanages), and have always wondered if my anxiety / shyness has been correlated with possible PTSD in regard to the unknown trauma I might have gone through.

Maybe not shyness, but I do have anxiety in regard to social events, people, and talking in general. I don't know if my symptoms correlate with severe shyness or if it is actual anxiety that I could treat with medication. Recently, I have noticed it a lot more (anxiety), to the point that I have skipped on job interviews and have rationalized that "I don't have time for the job". I do have subtle anxiety symptoms, but they are normal in comparison to child abuse cases.

Because I have no memory of my "trauma", I don't know if it would be a smooth connection. I might just be talking through my ass.

I can go into more detail upon inquiry.

 

[Hope69]

I am wondering if adoption / abandonment trauma can be the underlying issue to someone's anxiety, and i...

I believe there is a huge connection between attachment and risk for trauma. That is my belief, but I'm sure research will be forthcoming. Our neuro pathways are set down in the first 3 years of life. Our resilience, beliefs about the world and ourselves. Anyone can be traumatized, but early childhood is our foundation of how we cope and relate to the world.

 

[heylena]

I believe there is a huge connection between attachment and risk for trauma...Anyone can be traumatized, but early childhood is our foundation of how we cope and relate to the world.

I am just trying to figure out if I have shyness or social anxiety or PTSD (highly doubt this tho), or shyness and social anxiety. I definitely have anxiety, but I am able to 'quickly get through it manageably'. In the past, I have also considered if I had panic attacks with anxiety (I doubt this is the case).

I get normal symptoms such as, when I am talking in class, my hands feel sweaty and oily, I become really fidgety with my hands, stuttering, feel really "hot" all the sudden. The last time I had to speak in class -- actually I was asking a question -- the room felt like it was far away and I was "hot" (warm forehead), but I suddenly became very cold and had to 'vibrate' my leg in order to "center" the room (sorry for the weird terminology). Particular symptoms is when I am talking to family members, I still feel 'uneasy' and, no matter what, I always know where the exit is. And if I don't, I feel trapped and symptoms of feeling fidgety with my hands and "hot". One event in which I believe was caused by my anxiety and stress was at my prior job where I was a Filing Clerk, but they promoted me to a 'Specialist'; the job itself was stressful to me (came home crying a few times, on a regular basis), that I "bit the hand that fed me" by discussing the matter of maybe only taking one or two clients and then being basically 'demoted' to a lower position as a clerk again.

When I was a child, I used to have the symptom of "black outs" when I was too stressed out with something. My dad would call it the "black hole"; where I would literally "shut down". That was more of a learning thing, I believe, as my dad was about to teach me how to cope with a stressful situation. So, I outgrew that where I realized I was "smart" and am not "retarded" (as the orphanage often called me and told my parents multiple times prior to adoption).

One particular symptom that I have been able to get over is making eye contact with people. For the life of me, I cannot 'train' myself to make eye contact with people for long periods of time. So, job interviews - naturally - are Hell. Again, my father had yelled at me because whenever I was in trouble I would never look at him / make eye contact, which - with his temper - would piss me off even more as he felt that I was "disrespecting him", until he talked to a close Russian friend who told him that in Russia, to show respect to an adult, the child is taught to not make eye contact - as a sign of respect. So, he had to then teach me (again) that in America, to show respect to an adult, you would need to make eye contact. It's funny to me now, but I could not stare at him in the eye (make eye contact) except by uncomfortable force in which gave me anxiety; it must have to do with psychology because even as a grown adult, I have a hard time making eye contact with people. I can make eye contact for short bursts, but I often look away (out the window, at the door) to look back at them. Whenever I try to make long duration of eye contact with people (crucial in interviews), the room is "slipping away" from me or the person is "slipping away" or is gradually "farther away" from me. The weird part is when, that happens, if I look away for a split second then make eye contact again, the room "comes back". It's almost like an illusion that my brain is making. Like, it can't comprehend and is conflicting when attempting to make long duration of eye contact with someone. Is this related to anxiety attacks or PTSD symptoms in any way? I have never been able to explain this, or have found anything on it when I have researched it.

I had discovered that the "black hole" was a symptom of an inner traumatic event, or a symptom of it. How your brain reacts to or doesn't know how to cope with situations that are stressful so "shuts down" like a computer when you need to restart.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am wondering if adoption / abandonment trauma can be the underlying issue to someone's Anxiety,

Absolutely!

the anxiety can be connected to PTSD symptoms?

Maybe. There needs to be a qualifying event.

I would venture to guess that you have attachment issues and possibly early childhood trauma. This doesn't necessarily equate to PTSD but many people with PTSD suffer from attachment issues so the symptoms may overlap.

the room is "slipping away" from me or the person is "slipping away" or is gradually "farther away" from me. The weird part is when, that happens, if I look away for a split second then make eye contact again, the room "comes back". It's almost like an illusion that my brain is making

This very well could be dissociation. I can say that given your history, I am not surprised by what you are saying at all, nor would I be surprised if this caused someone with your history to dissociate.

There is a lot of good info out there on attachment disorders, and I highly recommend speaking with a professional to access the possibility of PTSD. Are you currently seeing a therapist?

 

[Lena]

Absolutely!
Maybe. There needs to be a qualifying event.

I would venture to guess that you have atta...

No, I am not currently seeing a therapist. I have read a few books on early childhood trauma and generally trauma-related text, but it's difficult to replace a "how to" text with an actual qualified and certified therapist / psychotherapist, etc.

I'm currently in school so I don't have the funds to see an actual therapist, but my school does provide free therapy with the in-house school therapists who are certified, so I have been considering seeing one just to see what they think in regard to my anxiety and/or childhood. I am currently interested on focusing on my anxiety as it is starting to affect the decisions I make in my life and career. At my last job, a girl said she took a medication for social anxiety, so I was thinking if it was possible (in my case) for me to get something that is temporary as to ease the tension of anxiety.

I have pursued therapy with an actual professional, outside an academic environment, but I gave up on it due to the pricing of it (I was a veterinary assistant at the time and couldn't afford weekly visits). She started working on a process as to build away from that, but I never pursued the second session - anxiety and bank account getting the best of me.

In any case, thank you for your feedback. I am going to pursue a professional just to hear a professional's opinion. They might tell me that I don't have an anxiety disorder or/and don't have any symptoms for PTSD either. And, I'll walk away knowing that I'll be an anxious ball of fury for the rest of my life.

 

[heylena]

Absolutely!
Maybe. There needs to be a qualifying event.

I would venture to guess that you have atta...

I replied to you, but I didn't sign in - whoops!

I don't have the textbook version of dissociation nor do I believe I have dissociation. I'm still very much 'present' - it is not an out of body experience where I am looking outside of myself - but the whole room is 'getting away from me', which increases my anxiety even more (naturally). It is more of a temporary visual illusion, but I am not dissociated from the situation or event. While it has similarities to dissociation, that's not what I experience as I am still present and "in" my body. Imagine: you're sitting there, technically already anxious and nervous, and all of the sudden, this person is moving away (but they're not) or/and the whole room feels like it's moving away or expanding, but you look down and you aren't and your visual sense of yourself is normal. It's more like a psychological 'what-the-f*ck' moment. So, mentally - when it happens - it freaks me out because I feel like the person is getting away from me and I want to get closer to them (but they're still in the same place). Many times, I have to tell my self (when it happens): that it's one of those episodes. I still have to look away to make it stop because just understanding that it's just an 'episode', doesn't normalize the situation. The person looks like they are far away so I feel like I have to speak louder, but have to remind myself that they're still a couple feet away.

omg I sound like a crazy person

In short: no, I am not seeing a therapist currently, but I will be seeing one to see if I can at least confront my social anxiety. As that is the main objection right now.

 

[Fadeaway]

No, you didn't sound like a crazy person at all. It sounds like you are having a very normal response for someone who didn't receive the things a young child needs to feel safe and secure as they grow up.

There are many types of dissociation. Every one dissociate at times. Spacing out is a form of dissociation. Driving home and all of the sudden realizing you are pulling in the drive and thinking to your self "Wow, I got home fast, I barely remember the drive home." is a form of dissociation. When people say they are on autopilot, that is a form of dissociation. Often for me when I am dissociating, I am aware people are talking to me but the words sound muffled and don't sink in. That is one way I experience dissociation but I experience it in other ways as well.

Out of body experiences are very rare and a more extreme version of dissociation. There are many levels of dissociation, and it seems to me that you are only thinking of the most extreme levels of dissociation when you think about what dissociation means. I lived most of my life not realizing I was experiencing dissociation because of my own misconceptions.

I know you fear the school counselor saying you don't have anxiety, but I think it is pretty clear that you do. You know what you are experiencing, and they can't really tell you that you aren't because they aren't in your body. If you report that you are having anxiety, they are going to address it as such.

As far as medications go. Some options are benzo class meds. They are fast acting medications but come with the risk of addiction with long term use. They are really helpful for occasional or short term use. I personally take a medication called hydroxizine, which is not a benzo class but an antihistamine that also acts an anti anxiety. It is non addictive It can make you feel drowsy at first but you adjust and you only take when you need it. It is not as powerful as the benzo class meds but it works pretty well. SNRIs are also prescribed for anxiety. In some people they help, and in others they make it worse. It is not a fast acting medication and often needs to be in your system for two weeks before you notice a reduction in anxiety.

 

[erigby]

I am just trying to figure out if I have shyness or social anxiety or PTSD (highly doubt this tho), or...

The eye contact thing...I couldn't do it for years...in fact I think I was about 32 years old (I'm now 38) before I could do it.
I strongly encourage you to try it...work at it...it makes a huge difference.
For me...it was all about self worth and self esteem. When I began to be able to look people in the eyes...rather than reading their lips...it was so meaningful...and healing.
Even now...when something important is said or heard...eye contact has a huge impact.
It was incredibly awkward at first...but now...I wouldn't trade those moments for the world.

You add to the lives of others. Your life matters to the lives of others.
I can't tell you this enough.
If you need to begin trying it out with a therapist or a trusted friend or loved one...I hope you will do so.

 

[heylena]

The eye contact thing...I couldn't do it for years...in fact I think I was about 32 years old (I'm now 3...

I'm interested to know how you dealt with it. Did you go through therapy or learn it via habit (i.e. forced yourself)?

I also want to point out it's not that making eye contact with people is a struggle, or that I am incapable of making eye contact. It's not that I am incapable of making eye contact with someone, but I have noticed that I 'dissociate' at periods. It doesn't happen all the time. I honestly feel that a 'natural' conversation is when people look away from each other during the conversation; a conversation feels aggressive when people are just staring at each other.

The point is: yes, you can force yourself to re-learn something so that it is a habit and that psychologically and mentally you don't correlate that activity as a 'negative' anymore; therefore, uncomfortable, but form it as a habit and don't consider it as a choice in which it is now subconscious.

I want to point out that practicing to stare at someone isn't going to elevate the issue; I will still feel immense anxiety. The point is finding the reason as to why I connect eye contact with anxiety, or any other social anxiety. You can practice all you want, but that won't resolve the deep inner issue that is making your brain place anxiety with eye contact or other social interaction, or otherwise.

That's not my point or hurdle that I am trying to get past.

Even with people, such as family and friends, I am uncomfortable talking to them. I love my family, but I have noticed a 'nervousness' inside me and anxiety to end the conversation. I can't explain it; it's like I am constantly looking for an 'exit'. This might make me look like a serial killer, but sometimes I caught myself thinking: 'Oh - this is where you need to say something'. It's like my brain needs to 'remind' myself to social steps in social society.

Note: I am not a serial killer. No dead bodies. A lot of people misunderstand psychopaths and serial killers because the reason why society is always amazed by someone killing is because they are always 'models of society'; as in, they are the Serpent of Satan and they know how to 'blend' in society: charismatic, extroverted, sociable - are all terms that have been used to describe psychopaths or serial killers on multiple occasions. And 'antisocial' actually means that, as a person, you use your social connections as to 'feed' yourself; not that you are 'shy' or 'introverted'. I am pointing this out because I am tired of my sister calling me 'anti-social' because I explicitly enjoy my own company over others. When I socialize, I am Scar from Lion King: "I am surrounded by idiots".

In all honesty, on family vacations, I don't even spend time with my family as I am exploring with my camera where we are (usually California). Maybe I'm an awful person.

In the end, it will all correlate to my past and the anxiety that I have with people in general.

If there is a world that is explicitly animals and books, please notify me. A person can train themselves to be a social 'animal' in society where they teach themselves cues (does anyone else feel like they have to give themselves 'cues' as to what is okay and what is not okay in society when they are socializing?) as to be an accepted civilian of society, but they will always be comfortable in their default stage; for me, that is: animals and a library or bookstore. Or café, but don't talk to me.

 

[heylena]

No, you didn't sound like a crazy person at all. It sounds like you are having a very normal response...

Thank you for your commentary and input, I appreciate it. I will be scheduling an appointment just so I can have a peace of mind and at least have a direction as to move towards. I am currently the legal occupation so I am hoping that resolving my anxiety will assist in helping me become a well-rounded professional once I graduate with a Paralegal Certificate. Thank you for your advice!

 

[erigby]

I'm interested to know how you dealt with it. Did you go through therapy or learn it via habit (i.e. fo...

For me...I realized at some point in my adulthood (not sure exactly when)...that my difficulty in making eye contact (in certain situations)...was because of shame.
For me...it was totally related to a sense of worthlessness and insecurity, low self-esteem and self-hatred.
In my profession...making eye contact with people is necessary. In essence, I learned how to do it. I made myself do it. And through that practice...I have found it to be a powerful way to connect with others...even in silence.
Staring is not something I do.
I would never force someone to look at me or even ask someone to do so.
For me...when I share something deeply personal with my T and I can look up and see he is not judging me and am able to look him in the eyes...there is a connection there that I don't get when I am looking at the floor (which I do most of the time).
For me...it is healing.
I agree, it is very natural and even necessary to look away when processing thoughts or looking for words in a conversation.
For me...recognizing my inability to make normal eye contact with others in social situations was my first sign and realization... something else was going on.

 

[heylena]

For me...I realized at some point in my adulthood (not sure exactly when)...that my difficulty in making...

Thank you for your input. I'm glad you were able to work through as to grow as an individual and professional.