Anxiety From Never Enough

[DazedandAbused]

I'm really needing to find a way to keep my anxiety down when constantly having to so no to my family for things they want to buy, or to attention I don't currently have to give. It feeds into shame that I can't provide more. It brings up trauma from childhood of never being good enough, constantly being blamed for the problems, being told I am purposely causing my mother's trouble ("why are you doing this to me?").

It's bad enough I haven't had any work for months and only worked 1 year over the past 2 years, and our finances are completely wrecked after decades of dedication of keeping stellar credit scores. I try to keep things light and say we can buy that or do that someday, but inside I feel resentment and anger and immediately get anxiety attacks.

After enough nagging I start losing my cool, making me feel even worse about myself. I'm really feeling stuck. Finding work in this economy with PTSD, degraded health, out of date skills, etc. is leaving me feel a bit hopeless.

I sure could use some encouragement, suggestions, or hear of ways others have managed to cope in similar situations.

 

[Whitneys story]

DazedandAbused, Know you are not alone. I know how hard it is being the provider. Are you sharing your feelings with your family. You sound like a very good person who is trying to carry way too much on your shoulders.

I wish you success in your journey. I have found so much help on the forum. The home page has some excellent articles that really helped me to understand my feelings. Welcome and keep posting! Whitney

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It sounds like a much needed time for you to have boundries with your family. It is time to learn to say no without guilt or shame. It sounds like you are being too hard on yourself and being triggered from childhood abuse. Your needs are not being met thus the resentment.

You do not have the resources to buy the things they want. They need to learn that you have boundries and limits that say this is as far as I go and not farther. It needs to teach manners. Just my two cents from what you shared. It sounds like a boundry problem. You can learn all you can about having boundries.

There was a time in my life when I did not have any boundries so not only was mine being crossed, I was crossing others boundries too. I wish you well with this one. If my words do not help, please throw them in the trash. I wish you the best on this one.

 

[DazedandAbused]

Thanks Gizmo. I had a coach tell me to big stronger with my boundries. You are probably on the mark. I think need to feel more worthy. Not sure how to do this.

I'm curious on how you were crossing others boundries....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My neighbors were letting me use their dryer. It was in their garage. The garage was a mess. So I thought I would clean it to let them know how much I appreciated them letting me use their dryer.

Well they were not happy at all about me cleaning it. They liked it the way it was. It did not occur to me to ask them first. I did a lot of things like that.

Learn as I go. Now I ask before I do anything concerning another person. It was a painful and costly lesson. I hope this makes sense.

 

[DazedandAbused]

Gizmo, thanks for sharing. I also do things that are inappropriate at times, or at least it's interpreted as inappropriate by others, yet my intentions were good. For me, I think it's due to the poor social skills development from childhood. I tend to be very cautious in what I say or do and get anxiety attacks, feeling like I'm going to get beat from doing it wrong. I'm learning as I go too, and getting better at it.

 

[KatB]

Gizmo, I can relate to this post. It's draining and exhaustive to live with people who constantly bring you down and blame you for their problems. Due to the actions I have taken for myself, my mom blames me for my brother's troubles. Her words and actions describe to me the typical mom who is self-absorbed about the image of being a good mother. She disowns me with her words and her actions speak a lot louder. I think that a lot of the shame and guilt I have come from my mother. She has never made me feel good enough, like if I have been a bad daughter. I can't even describe how deep the hurt and pain is when she gets mad when I call the cops on my brother for his actions.

I don't live with boundaries at home. They are everywhere and stepped over. No matter what I try to do to distant myself from trouble, I let them do it and I go over theirs.


DazedandAbused, this also applies to your post. I understand exactly where you are coming from. Unfortunately, I know this too well and it brings overwhelming feelings of despair and shame. Moms nowadays care more about their image and the trouble-maker, that they don't see the the trouble-made onto others.

 

[Britt.f7]

Dazed and Abused, are these kids that are asking for things? I know we have gone through some dry spells. Who am I kidding, we are still trying to make ends meet. As the kids have grown, we have explained in age appropriate ways without scaring them that money is tight and we just can't do that. Sometimes, now that they are teens, we explain to them we have to pay the mortgage so that we have a roof over our head.

My youngest one has always been good about that. Even if we get fast food or something, he'll turn it down and say he'll make something at home. He is rather frugal and can wait to purchase something with his money. My oldest is quite different. If he has money he wants to spend it now. He pushes the envelope. I hate having to turn either one of them down. Boundaries are difficult with the ones you love.

Please try not to be too hard on yourself. It never helps. I hope you realize that you are not the blame for your brother's actions. He is the one who needs to own his choices, though it doesn't seem as your mom has encouraged that. I know old messages are hard, I hear them myself. Be patient with yourself.

 

[Whitneys story]

Changing our perspective of "enough" can be very valuable. I looked deep into my situation. Wrote a monthly plan. I call it my daily number.

Time and financial budget: I broke down the $ required and amount of time available. Example, I require $1000 per month. Breaks down to $30 per day to survive. I have supported myself my entire life. I have not a clue other than outside negative news, why I suddenly questioned my self capability.

Children generally like boundries when they have the facts. It might be a good exercise for them to analyze their extra wants. I gave my children options. When time for new shoes, I told them how much I had to spend. If they wanted more it was their time to get resourceful. Of course this won't apply to young children. They also usually have not learned the art of keeping up with peers.

"One mans junk is another mans treasure" Have a family yard sale. May you always have enough! Hugs, Whitney