Anxiety Over Books?

[99Phoenix99]

My issue is that I love to read. I KNOW I do. I have a giant bookcase in my room stocked with all different genres. History in particular is my go to. But lately I just... I can't.

I know depression leads to lack of interest. Which I easily recognized when I didn't read a single book in over 5 months. But what's bothering me isn't that I'm apathetic towards my bookcase and not reading.

My problem is that when I look at it I get anxious. I tell myself I'm being ridiculous. They're just books. So I go to grab a book and immediately I get a noxious feeling in my gut. Tears well up and I feel myself on the brink of crying. I KNOW it would make me happy. Reading has always made me happy, but I CAN'T. For some reason my mind goes into dissaray. So I put the book back and I just look back at it longingly and I feel digust at myself.

I just... it confuses me. It sounds silly but it's something that really bothers me.

Anyone care to dissect this situation?

 

[LC23]

I haven't been able to really confirm this by observation, but someone I met in passing told me one of his PTSD triggers is reading books.

Do you have a therapist? This sounds like something to bring up with them.

 

[Hashi]

I get something similar with doing art, which I love but I now have a lot of anxiety about. Even looking at where I sit when I do art can make me anxious.

I don't think I can dissect your situation, but I suspect that this is about something close to your heart rather than about books particularly, so for each person it could be something different. (I just accidentally wrote "so fear each person" then had to correct it - talk about a Freudian slip!)

In my case I can see a mixture of difficult feelings being stirred up.

Art is something that has a lot of meaning for me - what if I can no longer connect to that meaning? What if something so important to me is also lost to me now, like so many other things? What if the part of me that used to connect with it is dying or already gone? There's a lot at stake if I try to do it and "fail" - fail to engage with it, fail to feel good about it, fail to even be able to focus on it or manage it in the most basic way. Few things have any importance for me, and this one has a great deal of importance. It's something I cling to. I'm afraid of having lost it.

For me, I think there are also elements of feeling it's a risk to relax and let my guard down by getting immersed in something. A bit like feeling that as long as I'm tense and thinking constantly about how much I don't want the plane I'm on to crash, my attention will somehow keep the plane up in the air.

Finally, there's something about allowing the more intuitive side of me emerge. Art is an insightful activity for me and I think on some level I'm afraid I might get insights that are too much for me to deal with right now. I don't know if that applies to you and reading history, maybe it doesn't, but I know that history can give us a lot of awareness into human nature and therefore our own.

I think anxiety is always trying to keep us safe. The issue is, what's the perceived risk? The only answer I have for myself is to try to soothe the anxiety by understanding it and being patient with it.

 

[Shellbell]

I can't read for long these days. I can read a few pages at a time, but then I have to put it down. It's like my brain just can't handle the overload of concentration. It was making me have anxiety over it not understanding, but now it's just one of the many things I can't do. I get overwhelmed easily by anything that involves my brain :eek:

I also had a flashback triggered by something I read a few months ago, so I think that may have become and issues for reading now.

Also, reading can be a refuge for some, a diversion way from problems and stressors, so being unable to do that now for me is hard. I used reading as a refuge all through my childhood and teenage years and it was a coping method. I would love now to be able to escape into a novel and have some 'peace', but that isn't possible now with my PTSD jelly brain.

 

[LC23]

Ever try audio books? I like those on car trips. Makes the miles fly by. But maybe it'd be a way to experience literature without visually reading.

 

[maddog]

I think Hashi's insight into this issue is amazingly accurate and likely very true of my own similar struggle to engage these days with anything I used to enjoy. My T, and others, will often ask me in various ways what things make me feel relaxed and what I find enjoyable and rewarding. Even that question itself sparks anxiety and a sort of resentful rejection in my brain, as though I can't even bear to begin contemplating what I enjoy or what would likely relax me. Sometimes I think this is because I simply don't know and feel added anxiety and a sense of failure at having to confess to that, but Hashi's and others' posts here give me extra food for thought about the possible reasons.

Like Shellbell, my capacity to engage my brain at all these days feels frighteningly limited. Absorbing large amounts of information for extended periods of time is virtually impossible. For someone who used to have a very analytical and inquiring mind, this feels like a particularly cruel and confronting defect or impairment.
Maddog

 

[JustBe]

I was unable to read books, magazines, anything that engaged my brain for over a year without having extreme anxiety and tears.

I have always been a voracious reader and I too used it as an escape and a safe place throughout my childhood and teens.

Only recently have I been able to find pleasure in reading again. I have no idea why, but I guess I just want to tell you that I get where you're at and it can get better.;)

 

[99Phoenix99]

I haven't been able to really confirm this by observation, but someone I met in passing told me one of his PTSD triggers is reading books.

Do you have a therapist? This sounds like something to bring up with them.

I do have a therapist I just never brought up the topic yet. For some reason this problem really bothers me and I find it very difficult to talk about. Reading has been such a core essential to me and now that I can't do that.... I don't know ... it feels like I've lost part of myself. Overdramatic sure. But I feel that way nonetheless :/

And I have tried audio books. It certainly helps because at least I get to hear the book but it's just not the same kind of immersion. I know lol beggars can't be choosers but it's like ... asking for a regular soda and getting a diet one instead. It's close, but no cigar. Bah. Sorry I feel like a Negative Nancy today, I hope that hasn't spilled over into this message. I really do appreciate all of your suggestions and your consideration in answering.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I don't think I can dissect your situation, but I suspect that this is about something close to your heart rather than about books particularly, so for each person it could be something different.


Art is something that has a lot of meaning for me - what if I can no longer connect to that meaning? What if something so important to me is also lost to me now, like so many other things? What if the part of me that used to connect with it is dying or already gone? There's a lot at stake if I try to do it and "fail" - fail to engage with it, fail to feel good about it, fail to even be able to focus on it or manage it in the most basic way. Few things have any importance for me, and this one has a great deal of importance. It's something I cling to. I'm afraid of having lost it.

Oh Geez... Hashi you... you gave me far more food for thought than I expected.

I haven't been able to reply until now because everyone's replies, especially yours, have all made me need to confront some not so pleasant truths and memories.

I think between what LC23 said about books being a trigger and what you said about this hitting too close to heart really nailed it for me. Especially the part of " What if something so important to me is also lost to me now, like so many other things? What if the part of me that used to connect with it is dying or already gone?"

My long story short, I was medically hospitalized/ on bed rest from age 15 to 18. My only real solace was reading, especially about history. I was obsessed with documentaries and the like. Physically my body was failing me but I found such joy in history that it made it bearable. Then I was finally doing well enough to go to college and what was my major? History of course. I adored it. My professors even noted my.... avid need to learn more. But just when I was about to turn 20 I had to medically withdraw from college. I needed jaw reconstruction. I tried to finish out my year at my school but I couldn't. I tried to finish even when I was getting regular shots of morphine to keep the pain down. Narcotics were like tic tacs. But despite that... I just couldn't finish my classes.

And ever since then I just ... I can't connect like I used to. I guess... I feel a sense of guilt and failure for not being able to finish the semester? I don't know. It just... it doesn't sit well with me. I had these renowned professors in all of their respected fields who had high expectations of me. And I couldn't meet them. No matter how hard I tried. I feel like I failed them and most of all myself. Like... like I should have been able to do more. I've had many medical compilcations in the past but still managed to complete my schooling before. I feel like I should have been able to do the same this time around....

It's only this past spring when I turned 22 that I got the go ahead to go back to school. But in the past two years I've just not been able to look at history related objects the same way. And that's what I had wanted to base a future career off of and this is why I'm really anxious. All of my plans (what little I'd made) were all centered around history. If I can't even deal with this, how can I make a future?... I'm really scared about all of the implications.

Now that I'm writing this all out, it really helps me understand that I have some unresolved issues...

Thank you for your post and insight. Honestly. It hurts to deal with this but you've made me face something that I've been avoiding and refusing to admit for a while. For me writing things out makes it more real and inescapable, I think I knew on some level what was bothering me but I couldn't really admit it and own it until I wrote it down just now.

The only answer I have for myself is to try to soothe the anxiety by understanding it and being patient with it.

Just knowing that there's someone out there who can offer insight and understanding has definitely helped me a great deal. Again. Thank you. Now I can address this with my therapist without sounding like a complete basket case by talking in cirlces.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Even that question itself sparks anxiety and a sort of resentful rejection in my brain, as though I can't even bear to begin contemplating what I enjoy or what would likely relax me. Sometimes I think this is because I simply don't know and feel added anxiety and a sense of failure at having to confess to that

Like Shellbell, my capacity to engage my brain at all thesedays feels frighteningly limited. Absorbing large amounts of information for extended periods of time is virtually impossible. For someone who used to have a very analytical and inquiring mind, this feels like a particularly cruel and confronting defect or impairment.
Maddog

Maddog it's like you've taken the words I couldn't express right out of my mouth.

Thank you for sharing.

Shellbell you as well.

You've all given me some peace of mind in this matter.

Only recently have I been able to find pleasure in reading again. I have no idea why, but I guess I just want to tell you that I get where you're at and it can get better.;)

That really gives me some hope Movin'On. Thank you :D

 

[Barberian]

Prolonged concentration, and creative thought processes of reading, doing arts and crafts are really difficult for me. Most of these threads on the forum, I read the OP, and maybe a few following posts to see where the thread is going, then if I want to comment, I have to skim any of the other posts. Often I just skip them because it's overwhelming to me.

My T said the creative parts of the brain often shut down or go dormant in people with PTSD. Their brains get stuck in fight or flight mode, which is not connected with prolonged concentration. Your mind jumps all around looking and evaluating anything that could be a threat, even rummaging through memories. The creative parts of your mind go dormant to reserve the recourses for the survival parts of the brain.

 

[WesternSky]

Everyone has already given you really good answers and things to think about, but I just wanted to add that I too loved reading as a child and young adult (I read books cover-to-cover) and that I too am now just able to read again. It can come back. For me, it is as if I'm discovering a new skill and joy in reading again.