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Deleted member 42665
I don't per say have PTSD, but I have suffered childhood emotional abuse that has really messed me up mentally and socially. I come here on this forum to support others who are struggling. Anyway.... here is what happened...
My T and I are very close. He has been super friend like for months with me, doing all sorts of things that are very "grey area" and I thought maybe after therapy we would have a chance at friendship. I had hope for it. He knows I wanted that too. I brought it up months back.
He also knows I struggle with touch issues. My whole life I felt like I was gross or repulsive so I would not even want to touch people, let alone actually do it, I didn't want to make them sick or uncomfortable.
I decided today to tell him, that I been having urges to touch him. Putting arm around him or on shoulder, hold his hand etc, and I even apologized for having those urges. I was so sick, this was terrible for me, I felt so dirty to even say it.
Then, he basically said he was glad I said it and he gets it but he can't allow touch because it is too friend like, too friend like?? After all the BS he has done already??? He even previously told me he would work on touch with me and allow me to touch him at times.
I feel so rejected, gross and dirty. I never want to even consider touching someone again, so I can be rejected again. This is the only person I am ok with touching in my life, we hug often and I don't have support much in my life. I dont have urges to touch anyone else. This is the person I trusted most in my life and he rejected me, I feel like I should just go die somewhere. I'm so useless and ugly.
He's probably vomiting at the thought of it all. He told me to "touch my dog" instead, which is so ******, since A-- I do anyway and B-- its not the same as people....
I don't understand why he could not of just said yes we can do touches when we both agree before hand and not a complete blow off. I feel so low about myself.
I don't know I want to even go back.
Do not suggest someone else either because there is no way I am gonna spend money on someone else to be hurt and rejected by them at some point to. No thank you
I am not sure if I should tell him how it made me feel, what good will it do? Or If I should go back? He is all excited he is getting more clients in a few months and I'm sure he wont miss my ugly ***. He will have more exciting and non gross people to help.
I really hate how badly this went, in one instant, it re-enforced everything I believed about how others perceive me touching or wanting to touch them. He was so good to me too, I just can't even understand how this went so badly.
I should also add, I am extremely attached to him and I recently lost my beloved dog and that shook my world, I am not sure I can handle losing him so soon after and have no support to get through it.
Since this happened, we spoke on the phone as well and he basically thinks I have feelings for him and tried to assure me its common but I don't feel anything romantic to him, friend like sure but he knows that, I told him months ago. I'm so nervous to go back but I feel like I have to, just abruptly leaving him will mess me up even more. Feed back please?
My T and I are very close. He has been super friend like for months with me, doing all sorts of things that are very "grey area" and I thought maybe after therapy we would have a chance at friendship. I had hope for it. He knows I wanted that too. I brought it up months back.
He also knows I struggle with touch issues. My whole life I felt like I was gross or repulsive so I would not even want to touch people, let alone actually do it, I didn't want to make them sick or uncomfortable.
I decided today to tell him, that I been having urges to touch him. Putting arm around him or on shoulder, hold his hand etc, and I even apologized for having those urges. I was so sick, this was terrible for me, I felt so dirty to even say it.
Then, he basically said he was glad I said it and he gets it but he can't allow touch because it is too friend like, too friend like?? After all the BS he has done already??? He even previously told me he would work on touch with me and allow me to touch him at times.
I feel so rejected, gross and dirty. I never want to even consider touching someone again, so I can be rejected again. This is the only person I am ok with touching in my life, we hug often and I don't have support much in my life. I dont have urges to touch anyone else. This is the person I trusted most in my life and he rejected me, I feel like I should just go die somewhere. I'm so useless and ugly.
He's probably vomiting at the thought of it all. He told me to "touch my dog" instead, which is so ******, since A-- I do anyway and B-- its not the same as people....
I don't understand why he could not of just said yes we can do touches when we both agree before hand and not a complete blow off. I feel so low about myself.
I don't know I want to even go back.
Do not suggest someone else either because there is no way I am gonna spend money on someone else to be hurt and rejected by them at some point to. No thank you
I am not sure if I should tell him how it made me feel, what good will it do? Or If I should go back? He is all excited he is getting more clients in a few months and I'm sure he wont miss my ugly ***. He will have more exciting and non gross people to help.
I really hate how badly this went, in one instant, it re-enforced everything I believed about how others perceive me touching or wanting to touch them. He was so good to me too, I just can't even understand how this went so badly.
I should also add, I am extremely attached to him and I recently lost my beloved dog and that shook my world, I am not sure I can handle losing him so soon after and have no support to get through it.
Since this happened, we spoke on the phone as well and he basically thinks I have feelings for him and tried to assure me its common but I don't feel anything romantic to him, friend like sure but he knows that, I told him months ago. I'm so nervous to go back but I feel like I have to, just abruptly leaving him will mess me up even more. Feed back please?