Hi
@rusty_maestro , welcome to the site. Can I ask..? Where does your PTSD come from? What actually caused it?
@Survivor3 Well that is the good question. 15yrs in mental health, working in isolated community, always understaffed, picking up slack, position getting cut and having to absorb work that you are not qualified for nor paid for, listening to all the rape stories, horrible vehicle accident, child molestation, murder, suicide. Seeing many first nation men that don't like the white guy and verbally threaten me to beat me up or being cornered in your office with no staff around and having a guy wanting to fight with you ain't the most comfortable feeling to have, non violent crisis intervention at this point I don't think so, one of us is going down and it ain't gonna be me, but how far am I willing to go that was the scary thing (I am a second degree black belt in karate, there is a difference between sport and real life self defense).
Then one day your supervisor ask you to do an assignment that is not safe and you decide to stand up for yourself (by law it is my right to refuse unsafe work) I had all the policies and decision matrix pointing out I was making the right decision. Supervisor, narcissistic female who once made a move on me to which I didn't respond to, decided she wouldn't hear my argument and claimed in front of my team I didn't want to do my job.
I felt very insulted because I was actually doing my job and I take pride in my work. We argued for 30 minutes in front of the whole team, it was a somewhat peaceful argument, no yelling, but really playing tug of war. Only one team mate tried to support me and she got shut down by the supervisor claiming again I didn't want to do my job.
My final argument was that I didn't dodge bullet (she wanted me to go assess a man, who didn't ask for it, who lives on first nation reserve, 3hrs from our town, way out in the boonies, so I assumed the guy would have some weapons at home, bows or gun, hunting is their life style, it was a safe assumption in my mind) Again she claimed I didnt want to do my job. I really felt I was arguing for my life and she didn't value my life at all. So I flipped, packed my stuff and left the meeting and told her to call risk management if she didn't believe me it was unsafe to pursue the assignment.
30 minutes after that meeting I received a phone call from the aunt of the guy I was supposed to go assess telling me he had been arrested because he had a loaded weapon at home and he wasn't supposed to have one because he had been threatening people with it. At that point I experienced the most intense anger I have ever felt in my life. So I decided to report this incident as a near miss. Filled out the paper work as requested, no name, leaving feelings out and sticking to fact. My supervisor had to fill out her side of the story following the same guide lines. She used my name all over the paper, stating I was unwilling and unable to do my job and her solution to resolve this was to hire more competent employees. I was laughing because my self esteem is pretty good and I know it was the right decision but she was attacking me personally now.
Risk management was on vacation so it took 1 month before we got an answer. For that whole month she gave me the cold shoulder not looking at me in the hallway, not talking to me at the meetings, completely childish. A month later, risk management replied and said I was right, it was a no go situation. Tension was very high in the office. Manager decided to intervene and hold a debriefing session with the two of us. It was about sharing how the experience made us feel rather then pointing out who was right or wrong. I played the game, shared I was feeling bullied, gave my examples, manager said indeed it all falls under bullying, she asked the supervisor how she felt about that, supervisor turned it around and claimed I was the bully and she was the victim in all this, manager looked as surprised as I was and finish the session saying, I guess we can all go home now. This was after 3hrs of watching my supervisor being all dramatic, crying and then pulling that statement that Im the bully. This was my closure? We all go home on that note WTF. I still can't believe it.
So I kept on plugin at work, thinking to myself "well at least nothing happened to me cause I stood up for myself" but trust was not high in the office. Worried about what other argument I would have with my supervisor.
6 months later I saw a client who revealed to me she had been raped at 4yrs old by two man. Instant sick feeling to my stomach, in a swing of empathy I asked myself how one would feel being in that position (mistake), I figured helpless and powerless and then I said to myself that is exactly how I feel at work. I was pretty shook by her story but I had heard many other stories like hers before so I thought why would this one be different. Then things got worst for me. Started having flashback of that session, having images of that girl when I was not at work, really invading my mind and the same sick feeling would accompany it.
I thought at first, we are low staff, work is hectic, I just need a vacation hang in there. Then supervisor started scrutinizing my work which obviously was falling behind (low staff/restructuration) but I was still on par with my colleague as they were telling me they were behind as well. So that was targeted I feel. Got called in the managers office (new manager at this point, not aware of the whole background) to discuss my performance and power struggle with the supervisor but meeting didn't happened cause supervisor didn't show up, weird isn't?
Finally went on vacation, 4 weeks off, and it didn't do a thing, didn't feel refreshed, still having flash back of that session. So I went to see my doctor, she gave me a medical leave, went on workers compensation. I was sent to see the psychiatrist and was diagnosed with trauma related stress disorder. Workers compensation investigated and reported there was bullying happening, in the mean time the old manager resigned and the new manager had to investigate the situation on bullying. He concluded there was no bullying because it was not a repeated event and it was case closed. Well she said 3 times in the meeting I didn't want to do my work, gave me the cold shoulder for a month, wrote on paper I was unwilling, unable and incompetent. Was is that if it is not repeated? Management covering for their own that is what it is. Something is wrong when 3 people recognize bullying and one guy can overturn it just like that. I think I'm gonna reopen that case.
So what triggered it? Psychologist said there was a huge connection between my boss and the girl's story, feelings of powerlessness and helplessness are the same. Shock factor was there to. Accumulation of all those years of stressors, the straw that broke the camels back.
Regardless, now I have the same symptoms everyone is describing here and I have to manage that. Struggle is real, people don't seem to believe it because I'm rather composed when I'm out in public but I have all the physical sensation of ptsd.
Did 3 months of therapy in an experimental program, it was mainly CBT and exposure therapy to violent material, helped a bit but didn't get rid of the symptoms. It's been two years now. Looking for alternative therapies, connected with a therapist right now who seems to understand what Im going through, that is a big plus.
Other then that I feel really isolated, lost, don't know what future will look like, ended an 18yrs relationship recently because I didn't have the energy to continue. I'm sure things will get better at some point but for now it F@#$ sucks.
