General Any Other Supporters In Therapy?

[grimalkin]

So my first beef with CoDependent No More...some of the stuff that is supposed to be so awful and manipulative that codependents do...it's kind of what a relationship is about, ya know? X, Y, and Z need to get done (chores, grocery shopping, familial obligations, etc etc etc), and the sufferer (the alcoholic, the one with whatever mental illness, etc) is in no position to do it. So it becomes codependent to figure out a way to make it happen? Whether that be asking the sufferer to do it until you're blue in the face, or finally realizing the only way it's going to get done is do it yourself?

Eh, take what I relate to and leave the rest, I guess. It was just upsetting to read that codependents are awful and horrible and controlling and manipulative because they sometimes have to do what needs to be done to keep a home running. But, I'm also not done with the book yet either. She is softening her tone a bit, but I still get this sense of...if you're in a relationship, and you are trying to keep a home running, and the other person is not in a position to assist, that we should just leave? I dunno. The way she makes it sound, just about any marriage is codependent, emotional/substance issues or not. It's kind of the nature of living with other people who have different backgrounds and expectations.

 

[ArtsyYogi]

if you're in a relationship, and you are trying to keep a home running, and the other person is not in a position to assist, that we should just leave?

I will be back and write more later...but that's not how I took what she had to say in the book. How far are you into the book?

Early in the book, she does come out and say that having codependent characteristics does not mean we're bad, defective, or inferior.

What I got from the book is that we are basically responsible for ourselves (emotionally, needs, etc.) I'm not responsible for other's moods and they are not responsible for mine. When I take care of someone else's responsibilities that they are honestly capable of doing for themselves....then I'm rescuing that person from their responsibilities. Rescuing causes people to persecute the other person and then they end up feeling victimized. I think the question that is important is "are you doing something for someone they really can do for themselves." If your sufferer is truly unable to do something around the house....then that's not rescuing. If they are truly able to do that thing...and then you choose to do it for them? That's rescuing and enabling and then we are codependent.

 

[grimalkin]

@ArtsyYogi That makes sense. I'm not even half way in, and the farther in I get, the more I understand, and see what you're talking about. I do need to give it more attention, since I admit I've been reading it in short spurts, and not giving it the attention it deserves.

I also admit I'm bristling a bit because of the "controlling/nagging" wife image, I think, and taking it too personally, lol. The whole "Dishes need to get done. He can do the dishes, but he won't. They still need to get done so I'll just do it!" Which leads to resentment.

She does seem to really build on previous chapters, so I will reserve further judgement until I get deeper in. ;)

 

[grimalkin]

Finished CoDependent No More a few days ago, and now I get it. It's definitely helped me see what I was doing, and the patterns in my life. My T and I are now working on WHY I'm codependent (I have been, long before this marriage), how to fix those patterns, how to prevent it from happening in the future.

Though I have to say, I think I need a break from self-help books. :woot:

 

[Milo's papa]

@caligirl03 , I have been where you are and I have been on the other side as well.

Getting therapy is often necessary for supporters to cope with all they go through. There's nothing to feel bad about.

You can't make someone get help if they don't want to. At that point you just have to cut ties and protect yourself. It sounds to me that you did the right thing. Now you just have to give your therapy a chance